From: owner-loud-fans-digest@smoe.org (loud-fans-digest) To: loud-fans-digest@smoe.org Subject: loud-fans-digest V2 #216 Reply-To: loud-fans@smoe.org Sender: owner-loud-fans-digest@smoe.org Errors-To: owner-loud-fans-digest@smoe.org Precedence: bulk loud-fans-digest Thursday, June 20 2002 Volume 02 : Number 216 Today's Subjects: ----------------- [loud-fans] Paul from Yale ["Andrew Hamlin" ] ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 19 Jun 2002 08:08:13 -0700 From: "Andrew Hamlin" Subject: [loud-fans] Paul from Yale Thought I'd say hello to our (apparently) newest member Mr. Paul Seeman! Good to have you aboard sir, and it's nice to see someone from, you know, that other Ivy League college. Keep posting, Andy How to Sing the Blues by Lame Mango Washington (attributed to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky, with revisions by Little Blind Patti D., Dr. Stevie Franklin and Achin' Eric Mulroney) 1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning." 2. "I got a good woman," is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line: "I got a good woman - with the meanest face in town." 3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound." 4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch: You stuck in a ditch ain't no way out. 5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broke down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or SUV's. This was pointed out to the accomplished blues musician Dan Stevens of Essex, Connecticut, in recent months. Dan's old Chevy van died (he of course wrote a song about it, though the van died in the unbluesy state of New Hampshire), and so he started showing up at gigs with his guitars traveling with him in a Volvo station wagon. A bluesman's credibility is diminished by showing up in a Volvo with Connecticut plates. If his fans knew that Dan lives in a town named "America's Best Small Town" by USA Weekend, Dan would be hooted out the door. Better if Dan lived in "America's Toughest SmallTown" or "America's Most Down at the Heels Small Town." Then he might be allowed to travel in a Volvo, but only if it had enough rust and dents. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die. 6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. Only National Public Radio does not understand this. Recently NPR ran a story about a 14-year-old white girl in Fargo, North Dakota, who is an amazingly good blues singer. Unfortunately, she will have to can her act until she has (1) turned 25 or so, or (2) been done wrong by a mean, cheatin' man, so that she could be legitimately fixin' to die. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis. 7. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain. 8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is. 9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster. 10. Good places for the Blues: a. highway b. jailhouse c. empty bed d. bottom of a whiskey glass Bad places: a. Ashrams b. gallery openings c. Ivy League institutions d. golf courses 11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old black man, and you slept in it. 12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: a. you're older than dirt b. you're blind c. you shot a man in Memphis d. you can't be satisfied No, if: a. you have all your teeth b. you were once blind but now can see c. the man in Memphis lived. d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund 13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues. 14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a. wine b. whiskey or bourbon c. muddy water d. black coffee The following are NOT Blues beverages: a. mixed drinks b. kosher wine c. Snapple d. sparkling water 15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broke down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction. 16. Some Blues names for women: a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie d. Fat River Dumpling 17. Some Blues names for men: a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Big Willie 18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis. 19. Make yer own Blues name (starter kit): a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,etc.) c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. 20. I don't care how tragic your life; you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or shotgun. Maybe your big, mean-hearted woman just done sit on it. I don't care. - --from http://www.northcountryfair.ab.ca/links/the%20_blues.htm ------------------------------ End of loud-fans-digest V2 #216 *******************************