From: owner-jinglejangle-digest@smoe.org (jinglejangle-digest) To: jinglejangle-digest@smoe.org Subject: jinglejangle-digest V7 #118 Reply-To: jinglejangle@smoe.org Sender: owner-jinglejangle-digest@smoe.org Errors-To: owner-jinglejangle-digest@smoe.org Precedence: bulk jinglejangle-digest Tuesday, September 7 2004 Volume 07 : Number 118 Today's Subjects: ----------------- [MLL] IM Chat with KurdtsGrrl '95 (Archival) [Recordings@aol.com] RE: RE: [MLL] recent archived posts correction ["Jill Falzoi" ] ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 06 Sep 2004 12:17:47 -0400 From: Recordings@aol.com Subject: [MLL] IM Chat with KurdtsGrrl '95 (Archival) Here's an edited Instant Mail chat I had nine years ago with someone called KurdtsGrrl. You can just feel how besotted and out-of-control I was over ML. What a great time! 9/6/95 9:30:38 PM Opening - Instant Message Log 9/6/95 KurdtsGrrl: How did you get into MLL's music, where did you 1st hear it? Recordings: It's a weird thing that happens when you hear MLL after reading nothing but slams from Courtney. I had as much fun reading them as everyone else - it's so overpowering at first when you realize it's actually her and the tendency is to believe her. But after a while I got really curious about ML and I expected to hear a talentless flake. Just by chance my boss had the cassette REAL in his office - it was there for months and I remember looking at it day after day before making the connection. It turned out he knew Sanford Ponder (ML's first manager) - we're all in the sound effects business. So he got the cassette from MLL at a showcase but never even opened it, so I stole it... and when me and my pal heard SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT we immediately fell in love with that voice! KurdtsGrrl: It was VERY upsetting when I was reading all that crap about such a talented wonderful person (MLL) coming from such a piece of elephant dung (CMLC.) I thought people would get the wrong idea and she would fade into eternity... but to my delight it seems to be having the absolute opposite effect! That was a great "steal" if you would :) Recordings: So you knew about Mary Lou before the posts? KurdtsGrrl: Yes I did. I only have the EP as of now. I have to catch up. Recordings: That must have been weird. I'd read about her but I never put it all together until I heard the tape - then I was so pissed I missed her shows in LA!!!!! KurdtsGrrl: I just missed her shows in LA. I just moved from there, I was back looking for a house back east when she was there. Recordings: I recently saw yet another post by C and this time MLL seemed to respond, and it was a very sad post. My heart just broke for her, so I wrote her a letter and sent it to the name COMMELINA. She wrote back right away and just said "Your support means more than you'll ever know." But then the HOLE people started saying there was no way it could be her, and I started to believe it, so MLL wrote again, kinda pissed: "I AM her, Okay?" So I played along, then she sent her phone #, and I thought: "Man, whoever's doing this is taking it pretty far!" So I arranged to call one night, thinking that imposter or not, it would be interesting... and she answered, and my god... it was HER... and she was so sweet and intelligent and wonderful, and you can say I just LOST IT then and there: me, married one year, and I fell in love. We spoke for an hour - I finally told her I felt guilty keeping her on so long. But I have never been the same --- and then when she posted that review of my music I was BESIDE myself! KurdtsGrrl: Oh how special!! I know she is one of the sweetest people. Oh man the reveiw of your music musta been an indescribable rush!! Recordings: It was - it was second only to actually talking with her. I've tried to hold back and not bother her, but I gotta tell you I miss her like crazy. KurdtsGrrl: Oh, You should call her! Recordings: I don't know. KurdtsGrrl: she wouldn't have said to call her back in 2 hrs if she really didn't wanna talk with you. Recordings: She's still Mary Lou! She must have 10,000 people who feel the same way. I don't want to scare her. There's nothing worse than having people bug you on the phone all the time. KurdtsGrrl: Well, she knows that you are a true fan. I don't think you will scare her. She wanted you to call her back, and then she got sidetracked with her friends that's all. Recordings: It's weird seeing her post in the HOLE folder - I understand she feels the need to correct peoples' perceptions, but sometimes I think it's counterproductive... It's like carving a mountain with a spoon. KurdtsGrrl: Well in there, the people that worship Courtney have attached themselves to her because they have nothing else better in their lives and won't let go for anything. They are really umm empty {{{{{CLANG}}}}}} Recordings: Yeah. And everytime MLL goes in there, she gets showered with abuse, and knowing how sweet she is, it's almost too much to bear. KurdtsGrrl: Yeah no kidding it is like a packed perana pool. Recordings: I really hope she tapers off of AOL - it's addictive - I told her she was getting addicted and she agreed. You can go around in circles for days. KurdtsGrrl: It is addictive. I try to stay off as much as possible. Recordings: MLL got me back into AOL because of her damn folder. I used to check out the Hole folder just for laughs. I liked LIVE THRU THIS but the folder is another entity entirely. KurdtsGrrl: I can't bear that hole folder, and just as bad, i can't even read the Kurt folder without reading about Courtney, the vultures are in there too. attcking us and Kurt. Mary Lou was in there agreeing with someone that Kurt actually wrote Live Through This. Recordings: The whole record? It does have that Nirvana structure. KurdtsGrrl: Yepper. Xcept for the cover song Recordings: Wow. He was prolific. KurdtsGrrl: Buzz Osborne from the Melvins said he knew this for a fact as well. It is a well known fact that the holys won't admit. Recordings: Another thing MLL did for me was to remind me not to trust the media's image of people. Since I bought into the MLL-as-Flake thing like lots of people - hearing her talk, I could almost see the illusions melting away... and hearing her songs about Kurt, it made me realise that, pissed as I was to lose him, there were people who were TRULY devastated by his loss. Sometime I'd like to tell her that... "I'm so sorry you lost your friend." KurdtsGrrl: I know that (Jainsparrow) post about her and Kurt is the truth... Recordings: It rang completely true. I want to say the exact thing Kurt said: "I don't know why I fucking love her so much, but I love her so fucking much!" Makes sense to me! KurdtsGrrl: Yes I know. The reason he hooked up with C is because she trapped him, told him loads of lies and like MLL he is sweet and kind, senstive and musta bought it. I woulda loved to see them together. Recordings: So, you took your screen name for love of Kurt? KurdtsGrrl: yes I did. Kinda like MLLawesome :) You gotta call her next week you just gotta Recordings: I will, I'm just afraid my heart's gonna get "broken" which is silly for a married guy with a baby on the way to think. KurdtsGrrl: yeah You know it is so personal that way, it's just a feeling you get Recordings: She is the kind of person I would want in my life forever, but I think inevitably she'll become famous and then of necessity I'll lose her. KurdtsGrrl: Well, If you accept it is adoration for her and her music. It is really fine. She is a VERY special person and easy to fall in love with. :) Recordings: I told her that her generosity of spirit continually astounded me, and it does. It's unreal. I just wish she could think of a better word than "Lame" and not be so easy to hand it to the Hole people in defense. KurdtsGrrl: I thik that she will always give special consideration for the people who were there right from the start.. and you spoke to her on the phone and all. Recordings: You're so sweet to humor me! You know, I'm fucking 38, new things are not supposed to happen to me. I mean you figure you've met pretty much every type of person, most people are variations. Who could ever envsion a person like MLL in the circumstances she's in? Most people would have jumped for the record deal by now. She just blows me away. KurdtsGrrl: Well true. that's how I love KC so much, he is so different, like the male version of MLL. She really cares about the music!! and playing, not the record deal. Recordings: You know, I live by the Beverly Garland Hotel - you know it? KurdtsGrrl: Sure i know it Recordings: I have an early OPTION interview with Nirvana, just before NEVERMIND broke big KurdtsGrrl: Is it the one where they are in the tour van? Recordings: Yes! Recordings: And it's an Ok hotel, $76 - 100 a night Recordings: But Kurt was so thrilled - "Whoever thought we'd be in the Beverly Garland???" Recordings: It just killed me! KurdtsGrrl: WOW big man spendin big bucks huh?! Recordings: I gotta go - wife's home - can we talk again? KurdtsGrrl: Sure I'd love to. and will try to catch ya on IM again. Recordings: Yeah!!!! Gnight! KurdtsGrrl: Bye! Recordings: {{{{{KurdtsGrrl}}}}} Recordings: Heh heh Recordings: Cyber symbolism! KurdtsGrrl: :) hehe See ya Dino! 9/6/95 11:33:15 PM Closing Log file. ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 7 Sep 2004 02:41:14 -0400 From: "Jill Falzoi" Subject: RE: RE: [MLL] recent archived posts correction - -----Original Message----- From: Jill Falzoi [mailto:falzoi@peoplepc.com] Sent: Tuesday, September 07, 2004 2:24 AM To: 'jinglejangle@smoe.org' Subject: RE: [MLL] recent archived posts I made a mistake... > [.] Now that many of us do not feel the same way. I meant to say NOT that many of us do not feel the same way. And that double negative should have been edited out to say that we DO feel the same way. We do feel the same way. Many of us feel the same way. Probably most of us. Maybe all of us or we wouldn't be on this list. Anyway, sorry for the typo. Jill ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 7 Sep 2004 03:03:52 -0400 From: "Jill Falzoi" Subject: second attempt: RE: [MLL] recent archived posts (Sorry if this is double posted. It hasn't been going through so I am trying again.) It is interesting that these posts are coming up now. It is because there is little other action on the list? The posts are definitely fascinating and I do not have aol so I don't even know what aol folders are. These are well written and revealing and brave to post due to the revealed emotional content. NOT that many of us do not feel the same way. We do. Here is my (lame) addition. It gets a little mushy... so I can't re-read it. Please forgive my mush. I recently spend two months in an eating disorder treatment center in New Orleans. I was very ill with anorexia. I didn't even realize how sick I was. I'd spent three days before intake in a medical hospital because my heart was threatening to have a heart attack and I still thought I was "fine." Coming back to New York was even harder than going through this treatment (and I fought treatment with everything I had!) I am still in culture shock at NYC. I wish I were back in the lush greenery. ANYWAY, my neighbor was supposed to send me Mary Lou Lord's CDs and it took her a month and a half to pull it together. I couldn't bear it -- I found a CD in Kmart of all places. And I played it during meals (music calmed us) and snacks and other free time. Mary Lou gained many more fans among us. And then I got the rest of the CD's (I don't have the latest due to severe financial constraints) and the staff asked me if they could borrow them and they placed Mary Lou after we had all gone to bed. I spoke of her in a women's group as one of my inspirations, a real role model. Her music is healing and has integrity and soul that comes from her own love of music. The love shines through like warm sunlight breaking through a dismal day. As I've said before, Mary Lou has a talent that goes beyond singing and songwriting. If only she could come to eating disorder units and play, but that would probably pay nothing. She would definitely have a captive and very emotionally connected audience. She would spread a lot of love and emotion and healing among us. Already she did through the CD's my neighbor finally sent me. The beautiful music touched our souls, and offers hope in the form of emotion, where they didn't seem to be any before (hope or emotion.) Hope in the delivery, in the dedicated arrangements, in her beautiful voice. We felt better, calmer, more centered, loved while listening to Mary Lou's CDs and in the time afterwards. It was peaceful for once on the unit. Nobody acting out. Her beautiful voice, which I must say is becoming more and more interesting in its depth. I don't know how Mary Lou feels about the uncontrollable changes in her vocal ability -- I've seen her roll her eyes when her voice does something different than what she has planned - -- but I feel this is a unique strength, rather than a handicap. This sounds cheesy, but I think it is a rare gift now given to Mary Lou that gives her music even more liveness and the sense of "I don't know what is going to happen, let's give it a try..." And what happens is always amazing and awesome and I've never heard anything like it. Vocalists cannot PLAN to do what Mary Lou can now do. And the odd thing is, no matter what her voice does, it is always in key and it offers some fascinating variations that could never have been planned. It adds to the music in a very real and awesome way - it does not take away; it's an intrinsic part. In the last concert I heard, before I was hospitalized for abnormal ECGs, I was amazed at the relationship she seemed to be forming with her wandering voice. She was singing loud and clear. And although she rolled her eyes, it was as if she was making friends with her vocal disorder. Or it was trying to make a friend of her. I know they can work together. Nobody can come up with what Mary Lou can do now. I guess it is like coloring out of the lines, or drawing a blue tree instead of a brown trunk with green leaves. Vocalists train years to be able to come up with vocalizations that are or sound improvisational and surprising even to them. Singers love those moments when something happens unexpectedly and the sound comes out in a way it never has before. I pray that Mary Lou will discover the same with her voice and will come to appreciate what a gift she has now been given. Instead of fighting or dreading it or fearing it. It's hard when you want control, so this is a challenge to "let go" and accept her voice as it is changing. To accept that you don't know what will be. It's a huge challenge. (One that has unfortunately frozen me in my tracks.) But I see Mary Lou taking it on with courage and willingness. I do not mean to trivialize the disorder she suffers from (I forgot the name.) It must be difficult to live with, scary, and also Botox shots can't be fun! And it can't be fun to not be able to speak. Talk about feeling silenced! I hope you are listening, Mary Lou. I hope you go with the silences and go with the "unusual" and brilliant sounds that you can now vocalize when you are singing. Because I really think this can be a tremendous gift to you. Ani Difranco can't do that! (And she can do about everything with her voice.) I know you didn't ask for it. And I hope you are not annoyed that I am enthusiastic about what I see as the inspired side, even as I know there are real detriments. I totally know what it is like to have a disorder you cannot control. (It sucks.) But Buddhist psychology advocates that each illness contains an important piece of the cure. And I think this is right. Thank you to Dino as well for articulating the kinds of feelings I have difficulty speaking. See, you make a difference in people's lives, Mary Lou. Just by being you. You don't have to do anything special or out of the way. Because you are already full of light, you are surrounded by people who love you. I hope you can feel that love and support and ultimate care. I don't know how to feel it, myself, when someone tells me this, but I hope you can feel it. You touch so many people. And the majority of people you will probably never know about, but they are listening. It is good to hear once in a while, just so you don't forget. Negativity of the press and the past, and losses in life, can overpower positive feelings so easily. Don't let Court. get you down. She is one person -- granted, a very big person. And she may be talented. But she doesn't have what you have. She doesn't have the kind of loving supportive fans you have. She doesn't have the love in her life that you have. She is not full of light. I love your posts. I love that you are just you. Nothing affected. You are a role model for me and I hold that, you, and your music in my heart (and my ears) for strength and empowerment to make it day by day through my own continuing recovery. Thank you for everything, to everyone. Love and light to ALL, Jill ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 7 Sep 2004 02:24:17 -0400 From: "Jill Falzoi" Subject: RE: [MLL] recent archived posts It is interesting that these posts are coming up now. It is because there is little other action on the list? The posts are definitely fascinating and I do not have aol so I don't even know what aol folders are. These are well written and revealing and brave to post due to the revealed emotional content. Now that many of us do not feel the same way. Here is my (lame) addition. It gets a little mushy... so I can't re-read it. Please forgive my mush. I recently spend two months in an eating disorder treatment center in New Orleans. It was nothing like I expected it to be (but that is another story) in terms of strict protocol that I won't go into. But the program is one of the best in the country. And New Orleans, what I saw of it (very little) is lush and green and fertile and flowery and sunny and all these things made me happy. When they let me go out. They had to keep me on a harness. (Just kidding!) I was actually very very ill with anorexia. I didn't even realize how sick I was. I'd spent three days before intake in a medical hospital because my heart was threatening to have a heart attack and I still thought I was "fine." But I did spend 2 months in a treatment center in New Orleans. Coming back to New York was even harder than going through this treatment (and I fought treatment with everything I had!) I am still in culture shock at NYC. I wish I were back in the lush greenery. ANYWAY, my neighbor was supposed to send me Mary Lou Lord's CDs and it took her a month and a half to pull it together. I couldn't bear it -- and I found a CD in Kmart of all places. And I played it during meals (music calmed us) and snacks and other free time. Mary Lou gained many more fans. And then I got the rest of the CD's (I don't have the latest due to severe financial constraints) and the staff asked me if they could borrow them and they placed Mary Lou after we had all gone to bed. I spoke of her in a women's group as one of my inspirations, a real role model. Her music is healing and has integrity and soul that comes from her own love of music. The love shines through like warm sunlight breaking through a dismal day. As I've said before, Mary Lou has a talent that goes beyond singing and songwriting. If only she could come to eating disorder units and play, but that would probably pay nothing. She would definitely have a captive and very emotionally connected audience. She would spread a lot of love and emotion among us. Already she did through the CD's my neighbor finally sent me. We could all relate to them. Plus, what beautiful music. It touches the soul, offers hope where they doesn't seem to be any. Hope in the delivery, in the dedicated arrangements, in her beautiful voice. We felt better, calmer, more centered, loved while listening to Mary Lou's CDs and in the time afterwards. Her beautiful voice, which I must say is becoming more and more interesting in its depth. I don't know how she feels about the uncontrollable changes in her vocal ability -- I've seen her roll her eyes when her voice does something different than what she has planned - -- but I feel this is a unique strength, rather than a handicap. This sounds cheesy, but I think it is a rare gift now given to Mary Lou that gives her music even more liveness and the sense of "I don't know what is going to happen, let's give it a try..." And what happens is always amazing and awesome and I've never heard anything like it. Vocalists cannot PLAN to do what Mary Lou can now do. And the odd thing is, no matter what her voice does, it is always in key and if not in key, it offers some fascinating variation that could never have been planned. It adds to the music -- does not take away. In the last concert I heard, before I was hospitalized for electrolyte imbalances and abnormal EKGs, I was amazed at the relationship she seemed to be forming with her wandering voice. She was singing loud and clear. And although she rolled her eyes, it was as if she was making friends with her vocal disorder. Or it was trying to make a friend of her. I know they can work together. Nobody can come up with what Mary Lou can do now. I guess it is like coloring out of the lines, or drawing a blue tree instead of a brown trunk with green leaves. Vocalists train years to be able to come up with vocalizations that are or sound improvisational and surprising even to them. Singers love those moments when something happens unexpectedly and the sound comes out in a way it never has before. I pray that Mary Lou will discover the same with her voice and will come to appreciate what a gift she has now been given. It's hard when you want control, so this is a challenge to "let go" and accept her voice as it is and will be. To accept that you don't know what will be. It's a huge challenge. And I see Mary Lou taking it on with courage and willingness. I do not mean to trivialize the disorder she suffers from (I forgot the name.) It must be difficult to live with, scary, and also Botox shots can't be fun! And it can't be fun to not be able to speak. Talk about feeling silenced! I hope you are listening, Mary Lou. I hope you go with the silences and go with the "unusual" and brilliant sounds that you can now vocalize when you are singing. Because I really think this can be a tremendous gift to you. Ani Difranco can't do that! (And she can do about everything with her voice.) I know you didn't ask for it. And I hope you are not annoyed that I am enthusiastic about what I see as the inspired side, even as I know there are real detriments. I know what it is like to have a disorder you cannot control. Buddhist psychology advocates that each illness contains an important piece of the cure. Thank you to Dino as well for articulating the kinds of feelings I have difficulty speaking. You make a difference in people's lives, Mary Lou. Just by being you. You don't have to do anything special or out of the way. Because you are full of light, you are surrounded by people who love you. I hope you can feel that love and support and ultimate care. I don't know how to feel it, myself, when someone tells me this, but I hope you can feel it. You touch so many people. And the majority of people you will probably never know about, but they are listening. It is good to hear once in a while, just so you don't forget. Negativity of the press and the past, and losses in life, can overpower positive feelings so easily. Don't let the Cort get you down. She is one person - -- granted, a very big person. And she may be talented. But she doesn't have what you have. She doesn't have the kind of loving supportive fans you have. She doesn't have the love in her life that you have. She is not full of light. I love your posts. I love that you are just you. Nothing affected. You are a role model for me and I hold that, you, and your music in my heart (and my ears) for strength and empowerment to make it day by day through my own continuing recovery. Thank you for everything, to everyone. Love and light to ALL, Jill ------------------------------ End of jinglejangle-digest V7 #118 **********************************