From: owner-fegmaniax-digest@smoe.org (fegmaniax-digest) To: fegmaniax-digest@smoe.org Subject: fegmaniax-digest V8 #252 Reply-To: fegmaniax@smoe.org Sender: owner-fegmaniax-digest@smoe.org Errors-To: owner-fegmaniax-digest@smoe.org Precedence: bulk fegmaniax-digest Thursday, July 15 1999 Volume 08 : Number 252 Today's Subjects: ----------------- Re: turn on [g ] Re: This is the dog talkin', now [Michael R Godwin ] Re: This is the dog talkin', now ["JH3" ] Summertime ["Ghost Surfer" ] Re: This is the dog talkin', now [Christopher Gross ] UK Dates Question ["Tony Blackman" ] RE: This is the dog talkin', now [Chris Franz ] Skip Spence tribute ["Marc Holden" ] Re: turn on [MARKEEFE@aol.com] Pet Sounds [MARKEEFE@aol.com] Do you like apples? [Michael Wolfe ] any cincy fegs? ["John B. Jones" ] religion [Michael Hooker ] Re: Summertime [ultraconformist@mail.weboffices.com] I dreamed I saw St. Augustine [Marshall Needleman Armintor ] Re: read, stink, shun ["Jason R. Thornton" ] Re: This is the dog talkin', now [Eric Loehr ] Chicago Reader's take on Jewels [DDerosa5@aol.com] Old 97s in Chill as well [DDerosa5@aol.com] Re: Chicago Reader's take on Jewels ["JH3" ] Religion! Oh no! The Quailpocalypse is nigh! ["Dr. Oswald Fane" Subject: Re: turn on On Thu, 15 Jul 1999, Joel Mullins wrote: >I also thought it might be cool to include some short quotes from other >fegs explaining why they like RH. So, if anyone wants to contribute a >short explanation of why Robyn's music turns them on, then go ahead and >I'll add it to the message. The feg-quote that stands out in my mind is something Tom Clark said a few months back about listening to Robyn's music in the rush hour traffic. He said something along the lines of, "It helps me forget that I'm only going 10mph. Robyn's music makes me happy." Cheers! - -Glen- "If white people are allowed to burn down black churches, then black people should be allowed to burn down the 'House of Blues'." - --George Carlin Glen Uber | uberg@sonic.net | http://www.sonic.net/~uberg ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 15 Jul 1999 18:00:06 +0100 (BST) From: Michael R Godwin Subject: Re: This is the dog talkin', now On Thu, 15 Jul 1999, lj lindhurst wrote: > Well, it isn't a song, but the movie "BAXTER" is all told from the point of > view of a pitbull with a very ridiculous French accent. Sounds good! This reminds of a story by P G Wodehouse which is written from the point of view of a dog. The dog helps his owner carry out a burglary, but doesn't realise that what is happening, or that burglary is wrong. I suppose that it is a kind of dry run for those Bertie Wooster stories where the reader can follow the plot better than Bertie, who is narrating the story. (This makes PGW terribly post-modern, unexpectedly). - - Mike Godwin PS "My mother's second name is _Joyce_" (Sleeping with your devil mask) ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 15 Jul 1999 12:02:14 -0500 From: "JH3" Subject: Re: This is the dog talkin', now >>> You mean to tell me that "Stinkfoot" and "Wey Wey Hep Uh Hole" >>> are really the only two songs EVER that feature talking dogs? ... >>Maybe. When the question first came up, I thought it would be easy >>to think of several examples, but so far I've come up with nary a one. ... >...I think we've finally been stumped. Ye of little faith! But I'm wondering, do they have to actually be dogs talking in such a way as to sound like real dogs, or can it just be any song sung from the POV of a dog? I thought there was at least one song on Harry Nilsson's "The Point" soundtrack that was supposed to be from the POV of Arrow, who was a dog. (Or are cartoon dogs unacceptable?) One of the Banana Splits was a dog, and there's at least two songs of his on the TV series soundtrack (or are people in dog costumes unacceptable as well?) And while it isn't from the POV of a dog, "Old Trust" by Alberto Y Lost Trios Paranoias is pretty darn funny, at least the first time you hear it. And there's some barking at the end... I'm sure we'll all think of some others... >if anyone wants to contribute a short explanation of why >Robyn's music turns them on, then go ahead and I'll add it >to the message. "Robyn's music turns me on by literally grabbing hold of my body's hidden internal power supply On/Off switch and flipping it to the 'On' position. *Why* it does this is anybody's guess, but I suspect it has something to do with it's not wanting the food in my refrigerator to go to waste." John H. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 15 Jul 1999 10:08:58 PDT From: "Ghost Surfer" Subject: Summertime >Date: Thu, 15 Jul 1999 14:13:18 +0100 (BST) >From: Michael R Godwin >Subject: Re: summertime > >>On Thu, 15 Jul 1999, jbranscombe@compuserve.com wrote: >>A friend of mine wants to collect as many versions of the old Porgy >>and >>Bess standard Summer Time as possible. Any suggestions. >There are four versions for a start on "By George (and Ira)": (1) Stan >Getz Quartet, (2) Charlie Parker, (3) Janis Joplin with Big Brother and >the Holding Company, and (4) R&B star Billy Stewart. > >- - MRG Don't forget the R.E.M. version which was on a fan club single a few years back. I seem to be posting a lot lately, so i'll go now. - ----------------************************************************------------ "There are times when i can't think about the future, when all my days seem so dark and life seems cruel" - Mojave 3 & "Make a moment last forever, gaze across the ocean to the sun" - Unknown !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 15 Jul 1999 13:20:31 -0400 (EDT) From: Christopher Gross Subject: Re: This is the dog talkin', now On Thu, 15 Jul 1999, Michael R Godwin wrote: > > Sounds good! This reminds of a story by P G Wodehouse which is written > from the point of view of a dog. The dog helps his owner carry out a > burglary, but doesn't realise that what is happening, or that burglary is > wrong. I suppose that it is a kind of dry run for those Bertie Wooster > stories where the reader can follow the plot better than Bertie, who is > narrating the story. (This makes PGW terribly post-modern, unexpectedly). Ah-ha! So Kafka just stole the idea for "Investigations of a Dog" from Wodehouse! That explains a lot. I think Brian sings on the "Family Guy" theme song, but you probably can't distinguish his voice from those of the rest of the cast members. Does that still count? I was pleasantly surprised to learn that one of the Chieftans is a dog. The CD booklet includes a picture of seven men and a dog, captioned "Van Morrison (left) and the Chieftans." I don't think the dog sings, though. - --Chris ______________________________________________________________________ Christopher Gross On the Internet, nobody knows I'm a dog. chrisg@gwu.edu ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 15 Jul 1999 13:27:52 -0400 (EDT) From: Bayard Subject: Re: This is the dog talkin', now > >>> You mean to tell me that "Stinkfoot" and "Wey Wey Hep Uh Hole" > >>> are really the only two songs EVER that feature talking dogs? > >...I think we've finally been stumped. lyrics.ch found the phrase "talking dog" in these songs: Artist Album Song Weight Aerosmith Armageddon Soundtrack What Kind Of Love Are You On 1 Butthole Surfers Hairway To Steven I Saw An X-Ray Of A Girl Passing Gas 1 Cause And Effect Innermost Station She's So Gone 1 Cohen Leonard All Lyrics Everybody Knows 1 Im Your Man Everybody Knows 1 Non Album Tracks Everybody Knows 1 Deus In A Bar, Under The Sea Fell Off The Floor, Man 1 Dmx Flesh Of My Flesh Blood Of My Blood Aint No Way 1 Genesis We Cant Dance I Can't Dance 1 Harper Roy Once If 1 Hersh Kristin Strange Angels Baseball Field 1 Jamiroquai The Return Of The Space Cowboy The Kids 1 John Elton Dont Shoot Me Texan Love Song - Elton John, Bernie Taupin 1 King Missile The Way To Salvation I Wish 1 Nofx Ribbed Moron Brothers 1 Pearl Jam Yield Pilate 1 Sayer Leo Endless Flight You Make Me Feel Like Dancing 1 Talking Heads Naked Big Daddy 1 Taylor James One Man Dog One Man Parade 1 They Might Be Giants I Palindrome I Ep Cabbagetown 1 Van Halen Diver Down The Full Bug -- 1 Waits Tom Franks Wild Years Cold Cold Ground 1 Zappa Frank Apostrophe Stink-Foot 1 =b np: the soft boys "the asking tree" _invisible hits_ ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 15 Jul 1999 17:48:45 +0000 From: "Tony Blackman" Subject: UK Dates Question In the UK dates, Wavedon is listed. Anyone know where it is? Is it meant to be Wavendon nr. Milton Keynes or is it meant to be somewhere else? I'm up for meeting at most of the gigs in the Southern half of the country....I might even venture so far as Birmingham as it's on a Sunday night. Would Oxford be as close for you Mike than Winchester? I'm just North of Oxford these days. Just in case nobody else has mentioned it so far (I haven't caught up with the last week's digests yet), I noticed when I was in Rhino Records on Westwood (L.A.) that Robyn was doing an in-store appearance on the 1st of August. Tony. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 15 Jul 1999 10:48:19 -0700 From: Chris Franz Subject: RE: This is the dog talkin', now Has somebody mentioned John Hegley's "I Saw My Dinner On TV," featuring Robyn and Morris, yet? "Then John's dog walked in. 'A dog which incidentally I'd buried the previous evening.' 'Sorry to disturb you, John,' said the dog. 'That's all right, Scampy,' I replied. 'In your basket.'" that's a bit of a paraphrase, I think. - - Chris ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 15 Jul 1999 07:59:40 -0700 From: "Marc Holden" Subject: Skip Spence tribute Any word on how the release show for the Skip Spence/Oar went? I am = guessing that Robyn didn't show up for it. Marc God said kill him!=20 God said kill him! Blood is thick but God is thicker I am sick but He is sicker God said "Die!" So I must kill him, but Why does God want To kill Children? (The Residents--Wormwood, "Kill Him!") http://www.residents.com/albums/wormwood.html ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 15 Jul 1999 14:31:59 EDT From: MARKEEFE@aol.com Subject: Re: turn on In a message dated 7/15/99 9:19:43 AM Pacific Daylight Time, skmull@swbell.net writes: << So, if anyone wants to contribute a short explanation of why Robyn's music turns them on, then go ahead and I'll add it to the message. >> Well, for me, Robyn is maybe the only artist I listen to who can, within the context of one album (or, even more so, during a live show), reach me in these four ways: intellectually, emotionally, kinetically, subconsciously. Oh, and he makes me chuckle, too! :-) - ------Michael K. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 15 Jul 1999 14:46:27 EDT From: MARKEEFE@aol.com Subject: Pet Sounds So, I held off on buying the box set . . . actually, I was just about ready to cave in and get it when I heard there was gonna be a "Pet Sounds" remaster with back-to-back mono and stereo versions. Glad I waited! I'm sure the other material on the box set is interesting, blah, blah, blah. But, man! To have both mixes of the album on one disc has got to be just about the most perfect (perfectest? ;-)) of all imaginably conceived ideas that've been ever thought up! WOO-HOO!! They kept only the best bonus track from the previous issue ("Hang Onto Your Ego") *and* they ended with the stereo mix, which makes me very happy, because I can start the disc at track 15 and, when the album's over, so is the CD. A train goes by, some dogs bark, and then there's a proper silence to allow one to reflect on the beauty that has just occurred (instead of some backing vocal out-takes that're only interesting to listen to every now and again). For those of you who love "Pet Sounds" but who (like me) never got the box set, run out and get the newly remastered version! For those of you who've been thinking about getting "Pet Sounds" one of these days, now's the time to do it! Okay, that is the end of my ravings about "Pet Sounds." Thank you for allowing me this indulgence :-) - ------Michael K., np - that post-disc moment of silence . . . hmmm . . . maybe it's time for some "Jewels for Sophia" now? Heck yeah!!! ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 15 Jul 1999 18:30:41 +0000 (GMT) From: Michael Wolfe Subject: Do you like apples? 'lo fgz, The Apples in Stereo played Berbati's Pan here in Portland last Saturday, and Sleater-Kinney being sold out, I went to see 'em. I'd never heard 'em before, but I've had a remarkable success rate with E6 bands, and figured a $7 cover would be easily worth it. It wasn't bad, not at all, but I'm no longer a spring chicken, and they started WAY late, so I had a bit more trouble engaging than I might have liked. But it certainly didn't hurt that their second song was a cover of the Beach Boys' "Heroes and Villains" -- that got my attention. Anyway, on the chance that I'd be blown away, I recorded the show to MD. I'd be happy to make a cassette copy for some Apples-knowledgeable soul who can give me a complete set list in return. It's not a bad recording, but the house mix at Berbati's positively buried the vocals. It's quite listenable, though. B/B+, I'd say. Reverb forever, - -Michael Wolfe ------------------------------ Date: 15 Jul 1999 12:00:40 -0700 From: "John B. Jones" Subject: any cincy fegs? wanna give us the lowdown on last night's mabd show???? ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 15 Feb 1999 22:38:57 -0500 From: Michael Hooker Subject: religion hi, i completely agree with Eleanore's statement about religion being bs , just to regulate human behavior. as complicated as religions can get, with all the mumbo jumbo, its really all just the old carrot and stick routine. they dazzle us with heaven, or they damn us into hell. Mike Hooker ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 15 Jul 1999 14:51:47 -0600 From: ultraconformist@mail.weboffices.com Subject: Re: Summertime >However, 'Bess you is my woman now' and 'I loves you Porgy' are credited >to D Heyward and _both_ Gershwins. Who is D Heyward? DuBose Heyward. Incidentally, I think every jazz musician in the world has attempted "Summertime" at some point or other, so jbranscombe's buddy is gonna be in it for a LOT of tapes here. One odd version few people may know about is the one on the Walker Brothers' album "Portrait". Love on ya, Susan P.S. Anyone else here play the HSX? I think I'm getting addicted to it. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 15 Jul 1999 15:05:30 -0500 (CDT) From: Marshall Needleman Armintor Subject: I dreamed I saw St. Augustine <> Heheh...I'm not laughing at you, it's just the question. :) If you're not into _Confessions_ (one of the books that validated my 18-year-old Catholic viewpoint of utter self-hatred, loathing, disgust for the material world and those around who had the gall to experience pleasure -- in other words, pre-Vatican II dogma), you're pretty much out of luck as far Augustine goes: the "personal" viewpoint is the reason that book is the most valuable one to come out of the Catholic tradition...not only to it, but to literature as well. He may be a doctor of the Church, but _City Of God_, a 1200 page disquisition on the perfect human society, the existence of angels, demons (not as sexy as it sounds), virtue, moral failure, etc. etc. isn't a page-turner. And no, I didn't read all of it, maybe half. When you're a 2nd year philo student you don't have a lot of choice about what you read. Another book you may want to try: De Magister, from which a former TA of mine did a lovely translation, available from Hackett. Haven't read it, but as an Augustine scholar it was his fave work. marshall ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 15 Jul 1999 13:14:31 -0700 From: "Jason R. Thornton" Subject: Re: more religion At 10:05 AM 7/15/99 -0600, Paul Christian Glenn wrote: >Who runs Christianity? Who runs Buddhism? Who runs the "New Age" >spirituality? Quail, Quail, and Quail, respectively. - --Jason "there's an invisible dragon in my carport" Thornton ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 15 Jul 1999 13:24:21 -0700 From: "Jason R. Thornton" Subject: Re: read, stink, shun At 06:04 PM 7/13/99 -0700, Joel Mullins wrote: >... If any of you want to >make statements about my character in the future, please remember that >I'm an alcoholic pervert from Texas who cusses like a fucking sailor! Personally, I think this list can do without all these negative stereotypes about mariners. Please, everybody, let's refrain from exhibiting any nauticaphobic bigotry here... Seamen are people too! - --Jason "bows down before the one he serves" Thornton ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 15 Jul 1999 16:51:51 -0400 (EDT) From: Eric Loehr Subject: Re: This is the dog talkin', now On Thu, 15 Jul 1999, Russ Reynolds wrote: > You mean to tell me that "Stinkfoot" and "Wey Wey Hep Uh Hole" are really > the only two songs EVER that feature talking dogs? Usually when a call goes > out like this we get a list of 10 or 15 others right off the bat. Eb is > good for half-a-dozen. Have we finally been stumped?? > > -rUss, who's thinking maybe "Snoopy vs the Red Baron", but even if Snoopy > does shout "curse you red baron" somewhere in the song I don't think they > ever mention that Snoopy is a dog. Maybe everyone is too embarassed to admit knowing this song, but I'll admit that I kinda like Sting, and am surprised that no one's mentioned it yet: Conversation With A Dog I asked my dog what he thought the best in man He said, "The love you dispense to me twice daily from a can." I said, "Why do you think my question funny? And where would you be without my money?" I said, "There may be some quality in us you must treasure." "It's despair," he said, "of which your money is the measure." Walk like a dog, like anybody can I said, "What about our politics, philosophy, our history?" He said, "If there is something admirable in these it is a mystery." "But there must be something in our system tell me at your leisure." "It's despair," he said, "of which your borders are the measure." Walk like a dog, talk like a man Walk like a dog, like anybody can I said, "What about technology, computers, nuclear fission?" "I'm terrified of radiation, hate the television." I said, "There must be something in our scientific treasure." "It's despair," he said, "of which your weapons are the measure." "Feed me, you can beat me. I will love you till I die. But don't ask for admiration and don't ever ask me why." I said, "Why wait till now to demonstrate displeasure?" "It's despair," he said, "of which my silence was the measure." Walk like a dog, talk like a man Walk like a dog, like anybody can Eric "Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid" ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 15 Jul 1999 17:48:42 EDT From: DDerosa5@aol.com Subject: Chicago Reader's take on Jewels Today I went and got the Reader, flipped to the music section. First thing I noticed is that MABD is the first Critic's Choice of the week, primarily because of the Flaming Lips, whose Soft Bulletin they call an "unqualified masterpiece, a record so full of beauty, wonder, and generosity of spirit that the Gideons should start putting it in hotel rooms." I mean, I really like their new album, but that seems a bit much. The Critic's Choice ends with a note that it's a "jam-packed bill" including Sebadoh, Robyn, and EAR. But, on the next page, in the "Spot check" section, stares out the goofy new promo picture of RH himself (and let me just say that so far, this picture is the worst part of his new release for me), with a write up for the two shows and a mention that he will be at the indie record store Quaker Goes Deaf on Sunday the 18th. I just called them, and he's playing instore at 2 pm (they also asked me to point out that the Melvins are playing instore Saturday at 3pm--does anyone here care?) I guess this is what we get when Robyn isn't invited to WXRT... Too bad the write up isn't particularly positive..."For decades now Hitchcock's been allowing rumors of his artistic infirmity to flourish and then proving them wrong; his 90s pattern of one great album/one shitty one isn't a foolproof indicator, but 1996's Moss Elixir was unquestionably one of the great ones, so you know what that means for his forthcoming Jewels for Sophia. Yup: a few great tunes like "Mexican God" set in a festering squelch of things like "The Cheese Alarm" and "Viva! Sea-Tac." Few other artists traverse such a dramatic gap between their great moments and their sucky ones. When Hitchcock's good, he combines an eerie, playfully sexy poetic sensibility with wryly passionate English folk-rock elegance, as if the molecules of Roald Dahl and Roy Harper got mixed up in some SF transporter. But when he's bad, doing his cutesy-poo surrealistic shtick, he's as swat-worthy as a Bart Simpson-headed fly. I've seen him transcend weak material live, but I'd much rather hear the good stuff." Ooof. I must admit that the more I listen to the album, the use of a very pretty instrumental lead-in to Cheese Alarm almost sounds like a parody of a novelty song, despite the political bit tacked on the end. And butting it up against VST might mean people feel like they have a weird al record. Too bad, since the stuff at the end is so good. Look at the bright side--maybe this nasty bit will keep people away from the instore... dave ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 15 Jul 1999 18:12:10 EDT From: DDerosa5@aol.com Subject: Old 97s in Chill as well hey, looking further through the reader, I see that the Old 97s are playing the St. Pat's Block Party on friday night, which means they're either playing free outside or in a church. I'm thinking, either of those is worth swinging by on my way home from work. Interestingly, the author hated their first three albums, but like Fight songs, "a solid pop record largely free of cosmetic cowboyisms". Funny, I thought it dull. But I remember there were a bunch of 97s fans on this list (and Rhett from the band a fan of Robyn), so I thought I'd mention it. St. Pats is on Des Plaines Ave. between Madison and Adams, right by the highway (and two blocks from the historic Haymarket Square) jeez, just a ton o music this weekend. and I'm spending it with headphones on... dave ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 15 Jul 1999 17:20:41 -0500 From: "JH3" Subject: Re: Chicago Reader's take on Jewels >Too bad the write up isn't particularly positive... >...When Hitchcock's good, he combines an eerie, playfully sexy poetic >sensibility with wryly passionate English folk-rock elegance, as if the >molecules of Roald Dahl and Roy Harper got mixed up in some SF transporter. >But when he's bad, doing his cutesy-poo surrealistic shtick, he's as >swat-worthy as a Bart Simpson-headed fly. I think Dave might have inadvertently solved the mystery of what Eb has been up to while his computer isn't working... John "what the hell is so bad about cutesy-poo surrealistic shtick?" Hedges PS. "Swat-worthy" - is that like "sponge-worthy"? ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 15 Jul 1999 18:24:01 -0400 From: "Dr. Oswald Fane" Subject: Religion! Oh no! The Quailpocalypse is nigh! *The Gospel According to Frank* And the Twelve did come upon their Master, who was brunching in the Garden of H'muh, which didst stand upon the blasted earth of the land men once knew as Kibroth-hattaavah, or Place of Those that Lusted. And Peter didst look upon the brunch and he didst wonder; for their Master was sharing a biscuit with a wizened old man, and yea verily his beard didst flow to the ground like a stream of snow, and yeah his muscles were old and knotted as the tree, and yeah his body was crooked and bent like the shepherd's staff. And Simon didst look up and say, "Verily, you do look old and wizened, my friend," and James didst look up and say, "Verily, you do look as old as the desert," and Frank didst look up and say, "Verily, Gandalf has nothing on thee." And the Twelve didst sit down in a circle around their Master, who didst look somewhat annoyed, as He was still enjoying a spot of tea. And Judas didst cast a wary eye upon Frank, and didst frown, but none of the Apostles knew why, except for Luke, who didst think he saw Judas mouth "knock it off." And then John said, "Rabbi, it is good that we are all here, but we would like to know who is this old man with which you sup." And then Jesus didst put down His cup and saucer and sigh, saying, "Verily, I tell thee that thou hast caught me in a conversation with my Father." "Your Father? But we know your father, and forsooth, he is a carpenter, and also the father of James," said Peter, who was prone to question things the other Twelve thought were a somewhat obvious. And James didst suddenly look sore afraid, wondering if not his Older Brother was going to show him up again. And Jesus answered and said unto them, "No, not Joe. This is my True Father, as He is the True Father to all of you, as well as to your fathers, and your fathers' fathers and their fathers before them." And Peter choked back a little cry and said, grasping the obvious, "Then He is . . . Our Lord God?" And then didst Thomas and Judas exchange knowing looks, for they were of the sort who didst not often let Peter join in their Apostle games. But Peter didst continueth, "So you really are the Messiah?" But their Master looked wearily and said unto them, "For Christ's sake, after I ripped out and showed you my bleeding heart, healed Lou and Cindy the lepers, and even raised Lazarus from the dead, what the heck do you think? I mean, really, this can't be much of a surprise here, can it? Help me out a bit." And an awe fell across the Twelve, except for Simon, who was pointing his finger at each of the Twelve and moving his lips silently as if counting, his gaze occasionally falling upon Frank in confusion. Then Our Lord God cracked His knuckles, stretched His legs and held out His arms, and rays of light did stream from Him and cast away the shadows. In a voice heavy with time, He didst say, "I am that I am. I am the Creator of the Universe, Maker of Heaven and Hell, and Jesus's Dad." The Twelve trembled in fear, and uncertainly bided in their hearts. But Mark coughed politely and didst speak, "We are all terribly impressed and we are all in awe, and fear doth abide in our hearts. But we are also very hungry, and their is only sand and famine in this harsh land, and yet you have tea, scones, and if mine eyes do not deceive me, perhaps a little marmalade. Would it be possible, maybe, you know . . . ?" But before an answer could be made, Frank stood up and spake: "Lo! I have been listening to my lessons well, and I have observed my Master, and it is indeed and verily as He says! Remember the Loaves and Fishes? And the way He always tells us that we too can work miracles if we have but faith? Well. . . . " And then didst Frank throw out his arms and say, "I call down manna and quails from heaven!" And nothing happened, and the Twelve didst look uncomfortable. Except for Luke, who was busy making eyes at John, who was having none of it. Again, Frank spake: "I believe, so I command -- bring manna and quails, like in the Days of Yore, when our fathers wandered in the Desert." Judas didst roll his eyes, and Simon was about to mention that Frank was hardly a Jewish name, so historically, his fathers were probably anywhere but a Godforsaken desert, when suddenly down upon their heads the heavens didst let loose with a furious storm of feathers and beaks. The Twelve stood up amidst a sea of quails and manna; crying out, "Master! It *is* truly as you say! Faith is enough to accomplish anything!" And upon that, Luke waved his hand and didst create for himself a nice sandwich of feta cheese and a small Greek salad. And, lo! It was true! And there was much rejoicing, and the Disciples didst celebrate mightily. Until Our Lord God stirred again on His chair, His face red with wrath, His eyes flashing like the spears of the Syrians that do flash in the sun; and rousing Himself from his seat He cried out in a voice as loud as the thunder of all the Roman's chariots: "What is THIS????" And Jesus didst look ashen, His face a mask of panic. "What have you been TEACHING them???" roared our Lord. And then Jesus stammered and said unto His Father, "My Lord and Father, I was teaching them to have faith, and to heal the sick, to perform miracles, and to accept peace and love in their hearts! You know, to get along, and to tolerate, you know, things." And Our Lord God looked perplexed and his wrath left him for a second, and he sat down on his chair and didst look puzzled. "You must have gotten that from your mother. Best thing I ever did, was banish old Sophia." And upon hearing that, Matthew didst grow excited and began taking notes, knowing he had a secret Jewish best-seller on his hands for the next few thousand years, and didst chuckle evilly to himself, "Lillith, Ezekiel, Enoch, Sophia . . . oh I shall never go out of print! And after that, maybe Chicken Soup for the Soul, yes . . . " And Jesus shook his head most lamely and stuttered, "But . . . " And the Lord spoke, igniting a small fig tree for emphasis, "Haven't you bloody READ the Old Testament, Son? What with the lightning and the thunder and the wrath? You know, the WRATH!?" And amidst the frenzied rejoicing of the Disciples Luke suddenly became crestfallen, removing his hand from John's posterior and muttering in Greek, "Shit. Game's up . . . bloody homophobic racsit pri--" "ENOUGH!" shouted God loudly, stilling the cheeping of the quails and the . . . . um . . . sound of the manna. "See what happens, son? See what happens when you teach them peace and love and tolerance!? Look at them, sharing the holy quails, and making the world as they want it to be!" And verily as if to illustrate His point, Judas was miracling himself up a few lovely Samarians, clad in jewels and beholden with plates of grapes. "And after that, they'll start circumsizing any fool who wanders by, and next comes peace and understanding of other religions, and next thing you know, they're all cooperating. Uh-huh, don't tell me you don't remember that Babel thing!" And before Jesus could brush off a quail and reply, He was interrupted by another outburst. "Oh, yes, and then soon . . . why soon they will form societies all dwelling in peace, and then they'll invent computers, oh, just watch, and then mailing lists, and then mailing lists about quirky bloody English pop singers, mailing lists that will go on and on and on in peace and HARMONY, with no talk of ME! Me me me!!!!! All bloody chord progressions and Jewels for my wife and great big bloody polka dotted shirts, and soon they'll be talking about . . .the QUAILS!!!! And the more they talk about the holy quails, the closer they'll get to the truth, and the, well, watch out, it's that pesky Apple of Knowledge thing all over again. . . ." And lo, then didst Jesus's face brighten with understanding, though the visages of His disciples suddenly became clouded with bewilderment. And then John asked, "Rabbi, what? Did he say . . . quails?" And verily didst James suddenly hide the naked quail bones behind his back, his countenance hung with the rainments of guilt, for he hath already dined on the succulent meat thereof, and didst find it most tasty. "Er," said our Lord Jesus Christ, "Um, yeah. But you can forget all about that." and his holy foot didst suddenly lash out and kick a few quails guiltily out of sight. And the Lord Our God said unto them, "Yes. There are some things that man was not meant to know." And He didst shoot a withering glance at His Son. "Especially not Dave Lang." And then Son and most Blessed Father didst retire to discuss grave matters, and bereft of their Master's guidance, the Twelve didst fall again amoungst temselves, bickering and squabbling about religion and capitalism and the Sea of Galilee Boys, a new Klezmer group they had all been following until the lead singer went insane. Stoned too many times, apparently. And God looked over and noticed that already they had forgotten how to work together, and more importantly, they had forgotten about the QUAILS, who had dispersed quietly, cheeping amongst themselves and pecking things most enigmatically. And God didst smile, knowing His secret was safe, and Man or Woman would never get close to uncovering the true nature and mystery of the Universe. "Ha ha," He thought, "Let them argue about religion and such. Our secret is safe, isn't it?" he mused as he stroked a very quiet qualiform entity perching on His shoulders and cooing gently in His ear. And smiling, God didst go about upbraiding His Son, choosing this time to break some bad news and tell him a little something about a Garden named Gethsemane. But alas, God overlooked one of the Apostles, Frank, who was beating a hasty retreat down the path, scribbling notes and looking over his shoulder most paranoiacally. And Lo, as the Disciples dispersed bickering, leaving alone only Simon, who was still counting on his fingers, confused about the number thirteen and muttering to himself, "Frank? Who the fuck is Frank?" But lo, there was only the quiet sound of cheeping. ------------------------------ End of fegmaniax-digest V8 #252 *******************************