From: owner-edheads-digest@efohio.com (edheads-digest) To: edheads-digest@smoe.org Subject: edheads-digest V7 #6 Reply-To: edheads@efohio.com Sender: owner-edheads-digest@efohio.com Errors-To: owner-edheads-digest@efohio.com Precedence: bulk edheads-digest Wednesday, January 7 2004 Volume 07 : Number 006 Today's Subjects: ----------------- Belated birthday joke... [PBacoustic@aol.com] Re: Yet another birthday joke... [sstanard@college.dtcc.edu] Re: Yet another birthday joke... ["Melissa Schick" ] Re: Yet another ["erika-renee lanier" ] Re: Yet another [Scott D Stanard ] ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 7 Jan 2004 08:05:19 EST From: PBacoustic@aol.com Subject: Belated birthday joke... A man went to his boss's costume party with nothing on but a naked woman on his back. "What the hell are you supposed to be?" the boss asked. "I'm a snail," the man replied. "What a load of crap!" his boss spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?" "That's Michelle." ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 7 Jan 2004 09:52:28 -0500 From: sstanard@college.dtcc.edu Subject: Re: Yet another birthday joke... Here's one that's not especially delicate, so shield your eyes if you need to. (The obligatory scrolling): ORiley wasnt feelin too well, and his wife finally insisted he go see the doctor. Not bein the type to willingly do so, he sighed, but reluctantly went, and came back an hour later. Well, whatd the doctor say, dear? Whatd he says ailin ye? Missus ORiley asked as Shamus hobbled in. Scratching his head, he replied, I dont exactly know. He thought it might be one thing or another, but didnt know for sure, so he told me to come back tomorrow and bring him a specimen. Well, neither of the two knew what was meant by a specimen, so Mrs. ORiley offered, Ol lady McArdle across the way has been a nurse for years. I think Ill drop on over and ask her what a specimen is. After ten minutes, Shamus began wondering where the Missus was, so he got up to go check on her, when she came stumbling through the door, her dress torn, her hair a-shambles, and sporting a fresh black eye. What on earth happened?! he said, rushing to help her to a chair. Well, she said, her voice still shaking, I went an asked her what a specimen was, like I said I would, and sure enough she told me, Piss in a cup, so I told her, Shit in yer hat! and before ye knew it, the fight was on! ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 07 Jan 2004 14:06:01 -0500 From: "Melissa Schick" Subject: Re: Yet another birthday joke... There are so, so many goodies to choose from. Here are some faves. Happy YesterBirthday, Mike! (Scroll for Punchlines ) 1.Two fish were in a tank. One said to the other... 2. What did the snail say when it was riding on the back of the turtle? 3. Two cows were in a field. One said to the other "Are you worried about this Mad Cow Disease?" And the other one said... ... ... 1. you ever driven one of these before? (I got that one onto A Prairie Home Companion's Annual Joke Show.) 2. wheeeeeeeeeeee! 3. "Why should I be? I'm a helicopter!" Follow-up: Two helicopters were in a field. One said to the other "are you worried about this Mad Cow Disease?" And the other one said... ... ... ... "Um, why should I be?... I'm a helicopter." _________________________________________________________________ Check your PC for viruses with the FREE McAfee online computer scan. http://clinic.mcafee.com/clinic/ibuy/campaign.asp?cid=3963 ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 7 Jan 2004 14:11:25 EST From: PBacoustic@aol.com Subject: Re: Yet another (Courtesy of Michael P. Smith...) A snail was assaulted by two turtles.... when the police arrived and asked the snail for the details, he replied, "I don't know, it all happened so FAST!!!" PB ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 7 Jan 2004 14:22:44 -0500 From: "Jim Merullo" Subject: Re: Yet another birthday joke... An oldie, but a goodie... The big chess tournament was taking place at the Plaza in New York. After the first day's competition, many of the winners were sitting around in the foyer of the hotel talking about their matches and bragging about their wonderful play. After a few drinks they started getting louder and louder until finally, the desk clerk couldn't take any more and kicked them out. The next morning the Manager called the clerk into his office and told him there had been many complaints about his being so rude to the hotel guests....instead of kicking them out, he should have just asked them to be less noisy. The clerk responded, "I'm sorry, but if there's one thing I can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 7 Jan 2004 15:41:57 -0500 From: "erika-renee lanier" Subject: Re: Yet another And another, since we're on the snail kick: One night, a man's sitting on his couch, enjoying a little EFO on the stereo, when he hears a knock at the door. He answers, but sees no one. Looking down, he notices a snail on the doormat. He picks up the snail, tosses it off into the grass, and goes back to his comfy couch. Years later, the man is eating dinner when he hears a knock on the door. Again, he answers it to find no one there. He looks down and sees the same snail on the doormat. Just as he's reaching down to pick it up, the snail looks up at him, all pissed, and says, "What the hell did you do that for?" Ok, bad, I know. - ----- Original Message ----- From: To: Sent: Wednesday, January 07, 2004 2:11 PM Subject: Re: Yet another > (Courtesy of Michael P. Smith...) > > A snail was assaulted by two turtles.... when the police arrived and asked > the snail for the details, he replied, > > "I don't know, it all happened so FAST!!!" > > > > PB ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 07 Jan 2004 18:22:22 -0500 From: Scott D Stanard Subject: Re: Yet another And to extend the snail-trail a little longer (sort of a shaggy snail story): // Sammy the Snail was a poor little snail as a child, and he was very conscious of it. As he grew up, he yearned for the respect of the snails who were better off, and determined that one day he would get a very fancy car that he could slowly cruise around the block in, so he could show it off and make others envy him and know he was the best. When the snobby little rich snail-kids used to tease him on the playground for being so poor, he would brag and tell them, "One day, I'll be the richest snail in town, and I'll have the fanciest car in town, with lots of chrome, and white-wall tires, and it'll be monogrammed with my initials on both sides so you'll know it's me and you'll have to eat your stinkin' words!" And that's exactly what he set out to do. So Sammy worked hard as any snail could work, and in no time he grew very rich. All the while, he envisioned himself riding in that car and dreaming of all the others who used to make fun of him, gasping and oohing and ahhing at his obvious wealth and status. When the day finally came that Sammy could afford the finest top-of-the-line Cadillac, the sales-snail was eagerly filling the sales sheet with every extra and option he could think of, and Sammy was approving every single one. The sales-snail's percentage of the sale grew and grew and grew, until he couldn't think of another thing to add. Then Sammy said, "Now add this on: I want two huge, solid-gold "S" monograms mounted on each side of the car, one on each front door. They must be fancy, and shiny, and very clearly made of the finest gold. Without them, this car doesn't mean a thing to me." Well, the sales-snail didn't know where in the world he would find the huge golden letters, but even the slimiest sales-snail knows a deal-breaker when he sees one, and so he promised Sammy he would have it ready for him by the weekend. Come Saturday evening, Sammy's car was ready, now perfectly adorned with the long-coveted monograms. He paid the snail, and proudly got in and drove it off the lot, and began to cruise the streets of Snailville. As he had hoped for so many years, snails from all over town heard about Sammy's suddenly famous "S-Car," and they crowded the sidewalks and stared in wonder at his magnificent car with all the chrome, and whitewalls, and those shiny gold Esses. And over and over again he heard the words he had longed to hear ever since he was a grubby little boy-snail: "Wow!! Cool!! Look at that ESS-CAR GO!" - ------------------------------------------------------------------------ erika-renee lanier wrote: >And another, since we're on the snail kick: > >One night, a man's sitting on his couch, enjoying a little EFO on the >stereo, when he hears a knock at the door. He answers, but sees no one. >Looking down, he notices a snail on the doormat. He picks up the snail, >tosses it off into the grass, and goes back to his comfy couch. > >Years later, the man is eating dinner when he hears a knock on the door. >Again, he answers it to find no one there. He looks down and sees the same >snail on the doormat. Just as he's reaching down to pick it up, the snail >looks up at him, all pissed, and says, "What the hell did you do that for?" > > > >Ok, bad, I know. > > >----- Original Message ----- >From: >To: >Sent: Wednesday, January 07, 2004 2:11 PM >Subject: Re: Yet another > > > > >>(Courtesy of Michael P. Smith...) >> >>A snail was assaulted by two turtles.... when the police arrived and >> >> >asked > > >>the snail for the details, he replied, >> >>"I don't know, it all happened so FAST!!!" >> >> >> >>PB ------------------------------ End of edheads-digest V7 #6 ***************************