From: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org (eda-thoughts-digest) To: eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Subject: eda-thoughts-digest V4 #99 Reply-To: eda-thoughts@smoe.org Sender: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Errors-To: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Precedence: bulk eda-thoughts-digest Wednesday, August 15 2001 Volume 04 : Number 099 * If you ever wish to unsubscribe, send an email to * eda-thoughts-digest-request@smoe.org with ONLY * the word unsubscribe in the body of the email * . * PLEASE :) when you reply to this digest to send a post TO the list, * change the subject to reflect what your post is about. A subject * of Re: eda-thoughts-digest V3 #xxx or the like gives readers no clue * as to what your message is about. Today's Subjects: ----------------- ET: words, words,words [Katherine Alexandra Subject: ET: words, words,words UNTITLED. i drove down I-75 nearly at 2 in the morning last night. my best friend had hugged me and promised me that things will be better in the end. she can say this as the fears of bad dates, herpes, and loneliness are no longer in her cards. THE FEAR OF CHANGE. driving down I-75 at 80 miles per hour i was able to see my state fly past my window with the light of the moon and streetlamps guiding me. i recalled all of the trips down that stretch and how i would go to the airport with dad trying to get away from this horrible place. and how ugly the land is how harsh the sun burns. yet every time i drive down that road, i remember going back home from a trip far away. and the comfort that the flat land has given to me. without obstacles such as mountains or canyons. the comfort that the continual season of summer has offered to me. (the fear of change) UNTITLED #2 there is so much just wanting to come out fighting inside of me angry for my deliberate rituals of ignoring the screaming and barking that my bones are making. BREAST IMPLANTS. i went back to me childhood town the other day. i found my old house on amesberry circle, it was painted ivory with green windows. i passed by my old school and visited childhood friends who are nothing at all like me today. we talked about typical girl things and i felt awkward, as though i was 12 again and trying to win their approval. the approval of the cool girls that always know when not to laugh too hard and have perfectly shaven legs. as they discussed breast implants and showed me their clippings from magazines of what they want their future wedding to be like. i listened carefully with nothing to add. BREAST IMPLANTS (part II). as a detour or perhaps a hope for sanity i went to another city to visit another friend, this one has known me for less years yet she has gone through much more with me. we sat over champagne while figuring out the world of skip-bo and scrabble. UNTITLED #3 i caved in last night with a weak moment of love. i phoned him at 4 am he answered with his voice sleepy yet excited to hear mine. he told me how happy he was that i finally called. we talked about what had gone on during the past few weeks and how he had planned to marry me. (you should never phone ex-lovers). VICTIM. i took all of the precautions to never be one of those girls. those girls that cry and fall into frail little children. the girls that continually get beaton down by men. the girls that are too fragile for this world and are always sad. i would preoccupy myself with worries that my clothing showed too much skin. and i hid behind my glasses. i felt safe in the averagness of my looks. in the normal breasts and the boring face. i never thought a man would take a second glance. so when one did and i was offerend flowers, dinner, sunsets i took it all without wondering who that man was. SUMMER. and so the summer is ending for me. the hurricane season has been uneventful (so far). and the sun has been harsh to my body. the summer is closing and i am going back to where i want to be. back where the boys do not know my name or history and the girls cannot complain about what i did when i was 16. in 3 days i am leaving. in 3 days i am leaving. in 3 days i am leaving. (i whisper this to myself). I SAID NO (part II). sometimes when i allow my intellect to disspear, i begin to question why i did what i did. and i begin to yell at myself for allowing him in my life. i recall moments of truth when i could have stopped life unfolding into a mess. sometimes i wonder if only i did not scream no, if only i did not wiggle away, perhaps we would have been together for these past 2 weeks. it would have been hell. but then i would not have to call it rape and i could talk to my therapist about how i had a one-night-stand and not about how i said no. FAMILY a group of people that never should have been placed together. but due to the same eye color and political stance we all stand next to the other. we gossip about the brother and sister and mother and father. we are different when around the dining room table. and sometimes i wonder if these people know me at all or if i know them. Make international calls for as low as $.04/minute with Yahoo! Messenger http://phonecard.yahoo.com/ ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 14 Aug 2001 15:04:09 EDT From: DrkShadws85@aol.com Subject: ET: look forward I lie here awake with the feeling that I'm not really here and the feeling that this isn't really real. I lie here awake thinking about what's going on. I lie here awake thinking about you. Where'd all the memories go because I forgot to pack them in my bags when I left. I didn't know what a precious jewel I didn't have. They can call me anything they want to. most of it is probably true. I don't expect anyone else to hold me up, that's my own job. Another job that I have failed at. Don't hold me up to your expectations because mine are already too high and I can't achieve any of the dreams that I'm reaching for until I get some things figured out. Until I get a sturdy head on my shoulders. I know you told me you think I'm perfect. I'm sorry you had to see that side of me because I know perfection is absent from everything that I do. *-*-* I need to tell you now before it ends I need to tell you now before I end it here I am sitting in a chair thinking back to the things that I didn't know about myself things that you were starting to teach me without knowing it. I'll have to tell you this while I'm shaking bringing down all the mountains I didn't know what I was doing because I didn't think that it was the wrong thing it was just me trying to tell you what I was thinking and that I'm so worried. I'm the kind that will worry myself sick. I think you know that. I'm sorry that I ever had to think those thoughts. I need to tell you now before I start crying I need to tell you now before I let myself disappear I won't let you wash out of my life. I will wait for all the answers but I cant wait to just get hurt.. I once saw your face in my dreams and now it's stuck there. I once saw a beautiful world and now its all fading away. ------------------------------ End of eda-thoughts-digest V4 #99 *********************************