From: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org (eda-thoughts-digest) To: eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Subject: eda-thoughts-digest V4 #86 Reply-To: eda-thoughts@smoe.org Sender: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Errors-To: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Precedence: bulk eda-thoughts-digest Thursday, July 12 2001 Volume 04 : Number 086 * If you ever wish to unsubscribe, send an email to * eda-thoughts-digest-request@smoe.org with ONLY * the word unsubscribe in the body of the email * . * PLEASE :) when you reply to this digest to send a post TO the list, * change the subject to reflect what your post is about. A subject * of Re: eda-thoughts-digest V3 #xxx or the like gives readers no clue * as to what your message is about. Today's Subjects: ----------------- ET: honesty and irony [Katherine Alexandra ] ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Tue, 10 Jul 2001 22:38:46 -0700 (PDT) From: Katherine Alexandra Subject: ET: honesty and irony the irony of it all. i remember when i would dial your number, cross my fingers for you to answer, then plead for you to come back. i curled up in fetal position in my bed, desperation painted over my face with no future of pride coming back. i allowed myself to crumble, i gave in to depression and let myself destroy any confidence that i might have gained by the age of 21. i couldn't help but feel twinges of excitement when you said that you still cared. i lived months on hope, convinced that you will realize how you had been mistaken about me after all. but you didn't. i would seduce you back into the bed, play pretend games that i didn't dream at night of you falling to your knees for my love again. i would say "i love you" only in hopes to hear you say it back, i fell into a puddle of pathetic greed. the irony in it all. i crashed one afternoon while washing dishes. i had yellow gloves on and music blaring. i fell to the ground with a plate in one hand and a sponge in the other. i cried until i could no longer see. i felt shame. the tears were no longer about a love affair gone bad, i no longer thought about the children that we can no longer have or the wedding that i secretly planned (in the fall, outside and with green bridesmaid dresses), the tears were about my neediess and my hunger for what is not mine to take. i became ugly and scared. lonely and fragile. i became sadness. i still am sadness. how ironic it really is. now i am the one frustrated by the phone calls late at night. i am the one with deep sighs and with an edgy tone. i no longer want what i would have killed for. i realized that my prey was not delicious. and so i sit on my bed, this time propped up and impatiant. i try to sound loving, i felt guilt of how i once was. i want to show that i care. how i ironic it really is. a dirty trick that saint valentine is making on us this year. what an evil game that the universe has created. what a shakespearean play unfolding in modern times. how devilish of need to manipulate itself into love. how splendid it is to want to walk away. Get personalized email addresses from Yahoo! Mail http://personal.mail.yahoo.com/ ------------------------------ End of eda-thoughts-digest V4 #86 *********************************