From: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org (eda-thoughts-digest) To: eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Subject: eda-thoughts-digest V4 #84 Reply-To: eda-thoughts@smoe.org Sender: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Errors-To: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Precedence: bulk eda-thoughts-digest Saturday, June 30 2001 Volume 04 : Number 084 * If you ever wish to unsubscribe, send an email to * eda-thoughts-digest-request@smoe.org with ONLY * the word unsubscribe in the body of the email * . * PLEASE :) when you reply to this digest to send a post TO the list, * change the subject to reflect what your post is about. A subject * of Re: eda-thoughts-digest V3 #xxx or the like gives readers no clue * as to what your message is about. Today's Subjects: ----------------- ET: crush [Katherine Alexandra ] ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 29 Jun 2001 01:14:11 -0700 (PDT) From: Katherine Alexandra Subject: ET: crush crush i had this little crush on him the year that i turned 16. we took american history together our junior year and he had just moved to here from boston. he was the guy that everyone wanted to be, the guy that hid behind his long hair and guitar. i was amazed. being young and naive and unaware of the way things work,i thought at the time it would be smart to be his best friend, and thats who i became. i would bite my tongue on car rides home, desperatly wanting a kiss. i would casually mention prom, in hopes he would ask. i was in love with the idea of him, i would listen to his band play and offer advice. i wanted him. i soon began to realize that wanting him was not enough. he had to want me, the awkward girl with glasses. i moved on, i moved away, i gave up. yet still even coming home for the summer i have been with anticipation of him realizing how beautiful i am. for the words to come out of his mouth about how he has always wanted a kiss, yet he has been too nervous. i would daydream of him taking me to the local park and pouring out his heart to me while holding me gently. yet every night turned out the same. we would go to the same bar, with the same guys, and drink the same drinks. i was always the same girl that the same guys never noticed. finally my chance though! he started cuddling, a sure sign for a romantic forecast. one kiss turned to two and three and many more. we found ourselves tangled up in some guys couch, grabbing onto each other. this is it! i have finally proven to myself that i am not just one of the guys! i am more then just another girl! yet something was wrong. maybe it was the alchol in his breath, or the harsh way he grabbed onto my breasts, but my worlds collided and i felt ashamed and dissilluisioned. all of the nights i have dreamt of him surpring me with a kiss,with violins playing and a sunset, with every cliche romantic move that a girl can dream of, i was caught with nothing at all. it felt cheap and wrong and unforgiven. i was caught. i found myself squeezing out of those arms that i have desired for so many years. i found myself putting back on the shirt and going back to sleep, only an hour later to tiptoe out of the apartment and drive back to my house. perhaps i expected too much from this man, too much for him to give to me. perhaps i have fooled myself with ideals of romantic gestures that are obviously never going to happen. maybe i should have slept with him, like he had asked. maybe i should have gotten that prom date for one night, afterall the 16 year old inside of me was begging please, please, please. i have grown, without even being aware. i am now sitting in my clothes that smell of smoke and beer. my hair is a mess. it is past 4 in the morning, my eyes are weak. i feel dead. if what i had done was the right move, to struggle away and resist the desire of his touch, then why do i feel so empty? why do i feel as though i should have held onto him harder and sucked out everything from him that i possibly could? afterall, this is the man that i have wrapped up for so many years, and after a druken night (one of many) he finally recognized me. Get personalized email addresses from Yahoo! Mail http://personal.mail.yahoo.com/ ------------------------------ End of eda-thoughts-digest V4 #84 *********************************