From: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org (eda-thoughts-digest) To: eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Subject: eda-thoughts-digest V4 #14 Reply-To: eda-thoughts@smoe.org Sender: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Errors-To: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Precedence: bulk eda-thoughts-digest Thursday, January 25 2001 Volume 04 : Number 014 * If you ever wish to unsubscribe, send an email to * eda-thoughts-digest-request@smoe.org with ONLY * the word unsubscribe in the body of the email * . * PLEASE :) when you reply to this digest to send a post TO the list, * change the subject to reflect what your post is about. A subject * of Re: eda-thoughts-digest V3 #xxx or the like gives readers no clue * as to what your message is about. Today's Subjects: ----------------- ET: (no subject) [DrkShadws85@aol.com] ET: something else, yes bah i know [DrkShadws85@aol.com] ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 24 Jan 2001 18:08:35 EST From: DrkShadws85@aol.com Subject: ET: (no subject) Yeah, okay..so I don't normally share things like this with people or anything, but you all are accepting, or it seems as if you are. So, I thought that it would be okay to share it with you. Anyways, this is from my journal..this is what I have written so far, I am sure that there will be more added to it later tonight, but at this point this is what I have. I know that I am the one that wrote all this down on paper, and this is what I am thinking, BUT I don't know what it is that I'm feeling..I know what the feeling is I just dont know why or in a different sense, what it is. It's really hard for me to explain, I wish I had better words to, but please please please give me your imput and let me know what you think. Advice or anything would be appreciated. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* January 24, 2001 Today really wasn't a good day. I'm not even sure that I have a reason for feeling like that. Just I have a part of me inside that hurts really bad. I'm just empty on the inside I don't always feel like this. Just mainly during PE and when I'm at home. I'm more alone at home that I am anywhere else. Can't really relate with anyone here. They all have their own thing going on that has nothing to do with any other li ving thing. They're very hurtful. And I'm positive that they have no idea how I ever feel. I'm scared that I won't do a good job on my Bio papter that I have to write. I'm scare of so many things that I would never admit to. I don' want people to think something ot be. It's not what I want at all. I would really prefer that I was never thought of at all. Jessica owes me $25, I'll probably enever see it again. But I'll say something to her once she gets her check cashed. I feel like I'm being used sometimes, don't know. Ricky is in my computer class and I couldn't help but stare at hime. Ir eally hate that. he has a girlfriend, I dont evem want him like that. Not at all. he's just the easiest thing to look at. By easiet I just meant thing that was right in front of me. Yeah, thats it. School is so weird; Magen always makes it seem like I'm some kind of social butterfly or something and thats WAY far from the case. Couldn't be more wrong. I really hate talking to people, I just kinf of force myself to. I need some kind of interaction with people. Not even because I wont it... because I waont to be able to grow as a person. Red days at school aren't that bad because there are familiar faces. (Lindsay, Melissa, Mike L., Tom, Larry, Heather..etc.) But white days are pretty much total shit. I hate them. Physical science us ciikm actually a class that I think I am going to lie. Tricia and Ami are in there. But gawd, the other two classes are hell. I hate PE more than I hate life itself. I'm not the fattest in there anymore, but I'm so fat and ugly and I hate being in there with all of those people. Espically the guys, so many of them are assholes. The last class (first semester) would be much better than this one. I don't know anyone at all!! Scary, plus there a lot of hotties in there now. Makes it even more intimidating for me. For an unknown reason. Ugly girl, hot guys. Yeah, I guess thats my reasoning right there. Just wish I could stop looking down upon myself so much, but I don't think that's going to happen anytime soon. Things could always change, though. Bill and Mike M. are still in math with me. That's horrible. They still sit by me too. Doesn't seem like I can get them to go away. Hopefully, they wont torment me like they did last semester. It was bad before and I couldn't believe how much worse it got the day I got pulled out of class to go to the principals office. Really why I was in there was none of their business. AS it was I barely told my family. Sometimes I'm just at the point where it's like my life, my problem. I'll deal with it, none of your business. I have these lyrics stuck in my head "I walk home with you and the mood you're born into sometimes you let me in and I take it on the chin I can't get clean again I want to know can we get clean again"-3eb I don't know why I wrote taht down, but it has been stuck in my head since this morning. Has yet to go away. But my head is empty, so it doesn't make sense. Or maybe it's the fact that there is so much going on in my head that I want to erase it all. Much like this overwhelming sadness and confusion that I constantly feel. And not only am I getting really tired of it, I'm tired of expressing it. Even when I express it, it explodes. It being me. Or maybe I am it. I'm just a "being" if I'm even worthy of being called that. Things get okay for a day or two and then I am right back into the dump. Pitiful, horrible Samantha. The person that my mom always tells me she doesnt want to be around. The person with the attitude. Exactly the k ind of person who is ideal to hate. The kind of person with no beauty what so ever... Slammin the door shut behing you, that has always bothered me. I don't feel anyone next to me. I'm lonely all the time. Nothing is really ever fine I see myself going over the edge sometimes with no warning at all. I know wonderful, beautiful people. I have a few good friends (which is more than I can ask for, I love them always) that would/will always be there. But simetimes that isn't enough. maybe I have everything that someone could ask for, I just need to open my eyes wider. I have moer than a lot of people. BUt my eyes are generally closed and in the dark. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 24 Jan 2001 21:13:19 EST From: DrkShadws85@aol.com Subject: ET: something else, yes bah i know ill miss you when i walk out of the diner and fall through words that were silent all those times my head was empty and there were so many things to say when i went and wrote down on paper what i was thinking but didnt dare to read it aloud even though i dared myself to facing reality could make me fall apart even more so when i look in the mirror and cry dont try and tell me im beautiful because i know you are good at telling lies with a straight face compassion doesnt come in bottles i wouldnt ask if i had any last words to say i never found the first ones to start of with im guilty of more than i will let on act innocent deny everything life for life time for time lesson to learn hate to different love to equal accept to be accepted not always understood walk away with what you want to remember instead of what really happened hopefully that way someday you will live happily ever after ------------------------------ End of eda-thoughts-digest V4 #14 *********************************