From: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org (eda-thoughts-digest) To: eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Subject: eda-thoughts-digest V4 #9 Reply-To: eda-thoughts@smoe.org Sender: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Errors-To: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Precedence: bulk eda-thoughts-digest Saturday, January 20 2001 Volume 04 : Number 009 * If you ever wish to unsubscribe, send an email to * eda-thoughts-digest-request@smoe.org with ONLY * the word unsubscribe in the body of the email * . * PLEASE :) when you reply to this digest to send a post TO the list, * change the subject to reflect what your post is about. A subject * of Re: eda-thoughts-digest V3 #xxx or the like gives readers no clue * as to what your message is about. Today's Subjects: ----------------- ET: Rain [PlacidPhantom@aol.com] ET: some thoughts [Katherine Alexandra ] ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 19 Jan 2001 20:17:35 EST From: PlacidPhantom@aol.com Subject: ET: Rain rain with fierce power it's destructive hand of corrosive ability moves mountains of intent with gentle fingers on my weary mind rain with passion beats away the mad drums that plague me on some distant sky it paints a soothing gray blanket of purpose with it's droplets of light it awakens thought in this tired soul brings soft quiet bliss as the world fades away it's sharp bite with soft teeth incur tiny slits in this wall of a mind allowing drips of solace and thought and holding in peace with it's enclosing scar washes my doubt clean empowers my reasonings in some unattainable wonder it becomes my ally and my bones can withstand a new hot day of beating hearts and quiet sky ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 19 Jan 2001 20:15:12 -0800 (PST) From: Katherine Alexandra Subject: ET: some thoughts just some stuff. not that great. got a lot festering inside. THINGS ARE CHANGING so maybe i am not as strong, as i told you i was. maybe you were right all along, that i hide behind my lies. so we sit here thinking about all the things that i have done. you look frustrated and you say how its not easy to love a girl like me. i muster up one of those false smiles, yah, i think your kinda cute. so you told me that you are no longer going to put up with my bull shit, my crazy ways, my mistakes. i told you thats ok, i want to change, i want to change, i want to change. so i went out the other day, ready to go and fix myself. i'm taking 4 different types of vitamens and jogging and going to bed early. all the smart people do that kinda thing. i'm eating well. i told you, i'm gonna change. i watched all the smart kids, i decided to try to be one, i'm not doing so well at this, i think they can tell this is all an experiment. so i went out of my way to fix all my wrongs, yet you still aren't very happy. and nothing i say is right, and in the end of the day i realize, its really you thats been needing all this change. FADING flew in the plane back home for the holidays. flew over all the states, all the mountains, all the distance that seperates us. went back to the old street, saw the old friends and tried to fit nicely back in my old space. i no longer belong here. met up with a bunch of the guys, at the local diner. we all used to drink coffee for hours and talk about nothing. sat down with a coffee and some seasoned fries with ranch dressing, ready for a long night of self discovery. james came wobbling in, he had a few too many drinks and tom followed behind him, tripping over the floor. i politely smiled and told them stories, with james pulling at my pigtails. they wanted to go to the bar, the one that is a dance club, the one that has a different name every year. last time i was here it was crazy moon. the club is cold, with 40 year old women dancing to top 40 music and all the twenty something sitting around the bar, drinking away all those plans to get out. but no one really wants to leave, because what will happen once they are no longer something special? so i went there, to see my old friend jenelle. she wanted to get a job, one where she could put on a skirt and get up early in the morning. but she just kept thinking of those tips and got sucked back in. went inside, and nothing had changed. only thing different is that they no longer see the need to leave. FLINGS AND COLDS a friend of mine is getting married next summer. i will be in the wedding, and we have all these plans. she giggles. she used to never giggle. there is a glow about her, i am in awe. she told me all about his proposal, she showed me the ring, we openned up magazines, we have it all planned. she started crying though, her first love wont go. he told her to forget about him. that he needs to figure out how to get over her. she fell to pieces. her first love once told me a story, about the first day they met. she was only 14 and hanging upside down from a tree in her front lawn. he saw how pretty she was, and how she always seems to know what to say, and when to say it. he fell in love, and not much longer she did as well. she was the lucky one, she met her fiancee after they broke up. he has been looking for a lot of years now for a girl to fit in her shoes. i tried to tell her, that you can't get over your first love like you can with a fling or a cold. he will always be in her. but she felt so guilty for thinking about him, worrying about her wedding day. RAMBLE OF MISUNDERSTANDINGS AND BEAUTIFUL MOMENTS IN BETWEEN i haven't been asked, "how do you feel", in so long. i have nearly forgotten. i want to say that college life has been everything that they wrap it up to be. but it is slowly becoming another dissapointment, like high school. i can't seem to get comfortable in my own skin, and those around me seem to know themselves exceedingly well. i just want to wrap myself up in beauty, silance, and passive smiles. it is another friday night with no phone calls. my roommate, looking bored and tired. i go into the living room, hand him a beer, we sit. sometimes in these quiet moments i feel as though he knows me better then i do of myself. i tell him of how i tried to talk to someone today in lit class, it went well, perhaps i will have the nerve to ask them for coffee. he laughs quietly. we used to always go out. before bed, i have a joint, he does his usual routine of washing his clothes for the next day, we have a silance that is the calmest i have ever been around. he tells me that things will be ok. things will pick up. HE it is a horrible thing to admit to, but sometimes i wonder why am i with him? he is a smart man, a brilliant one, he will go far, he will change the world, i am sure of that. he listens to me, he advices me, he understands. he is compassionate, and he is caring. he doesn't mind my outbursts. i don't mind his, although they are rare. it has been a year. a year of distance and only brief long weekends of being with each other. he promises things will get better. our conversations are becoming dry, i don't have much to say anymore, he is becoming preoccupied with life, he forgot our annerversery. we have our moments, moments of deep understanding and intellectual conversations. i hardly laugh. i don't know why i am here sometimes, but i am. he no longer complements, and when he does, the sound forced and cliched, calculated, so that i don't pout. we have nothing to say anymore. yet the idea of him leaving is frightening, and i feel anxiety reach to the core of who i am. maybe things will get better. A NEW ERA there is a new era in american politics, all optimisim is gone and has left our feeble country. i sit in silance while my foreign friends poke fun at the idiot that we have chosen to run our nation. they laugh at his ideas, i agree, but i feel hopeless. i changed my major, political science being too close to the fear that is inside of me. my father speaks of the 60s like he would of an old love. he remembers in a brief moment, he dissapears, to the days of long hair and protesting babes. he remembers what everything stood for, how important those marches were, how scared he was of vietnam. we have no fears anymore. so here i am, sitting in my polisci class listening to some kid over there talking about how we don't need affirmative action, how the woman has no right to choose, gays can't get married, and while he's at it, why bother changing the inherently racist school system? no one is throwing a fit over the presidency, no one is marching in the streets, my generation is weak, lazy, our definition of self revolves around that degree. yet there i sit, without marching, thinking of my mothers days of burning her bra, and how i got one on right now. 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