From: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org (eda-thoughts-digest) To: eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Subject: eda-thoughts-digest V3 #415 Reply-To: eda-thoughts@smoe.org Sender: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Errors-To: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Precedence: bulk eda-thoughts-digest Monday, January 1 2001 Volume 03 : Number 415 * If you ever wish to unsubscribe, send an email to * eda-thoughts-digest-request@smoe.org with ONLY * the word unsubscribe in the body of the email * . * PLEASE :) when you reply to this digest to send a post TO the list, * change the subject to reflect what your post is about. A subject * of Re: eda-thoughts-digest V3 #xxx or the like gives readers no clue * as to what your message is about. Today's Subjects: ----------------- ET: sorry [DrkShadws85@aol.com] ET: lost the path from over there to here [DrkShadws85@aol.com] ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 31 Dec 2000 13:40:11 EST From: DrkShadws85@aol.com Subject: ET: sorry i dont know if i sent that before..if i have sorry!! happy new year to all of ya! take care ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 31 Dec 2000 13:39:41 EST From: DrkShadws85@aol.com Subject: ET: lost the path from over there to here I think that its time that I said goodbye to my fears. But somehow there's this fact that they are oh so dear to me. What I turn to, what I can blame everything on. You know, it really does work. Because even when everyone else does walk away they are there. Its almost 5:30 and its almost time for mom to get off of work, so she can be home in over an hour, working forever away. The phonelines are all tied up and I think we're going down further. From three to one. Well, you can't always have what you want. And the people you need aren't always there. Sit down until you can prove a point that you actually care about what I want, even though you don't and all it is is an act. So forget it, don't prove you point. Just get the fuck out of here. I wish I could draw and paint and be who I want to be. But those aren't things that I can just buy from the store, but I'm as used to it as I am going to be. Now having two and a half jobs. Maybe I should get one too, but I cant because I don't have a care; I don't drive. So, you're still bossing me around at almost midnight, I never could do what I want, or be what I want to be around you. Its kind of sad, you know..when you cant be yourself, the people that you're supposedly supposed to be able to feel comfortable. They aren't comfortable with things that they don't; having their own opinions, that's all that's right to them and wrong to me. I have a hard time turning around or getting out of bed every morning. I don't want to face what the new day is going to bring; I just don't want to face the fact that they won't listen. And now trying to talk to mom, all she does is yell. Its my fault and we aren't gonna be able to have enough money to move back to where we came from. Sunny weather feels so much more pleasant on my skin. At least the sum was always there, except when it was sleeping, but now it snows here. Don't look back they told me, but I can't help the fact that I want what I once knew, because it was all that I had. I listen to them all fighting downstairs, don't even try and talk about it. Now I'm not dealing really well with the fact that its getting hard for me to cry again, we went through this one. It wasn't good. Going back to the evil lady at the school, I don't know. I crave the help I just don't want to be the one to get it for myself. I wonder if there is a cure for a broken heart or something that I could always give myself to smile. I don't know what to say to you and more so than that I really don't know what to say to myself. I can't get into the rhythm of life and I don't want to take any more chances. Seems as if I always take the wrong way out. And I'm forgetting how to make things right, one thing I won't forget though, how to apologize. I do to much of that already, it makes me feel like at least if I did something wrong they know that I didn't do it on purpose and I do feel bad. Wait, even if I haven't done something wrong that's how I feel most of the time. I guess that's just life. Because her prefers her over me, which was fine except for the fact that I made the mistake of ever saying I love you. And people don't understand why that's such a bad thing, you're supposed to be proud and not ashamed of it. But I guess it was the one thing that hurt me the most. Remembering that one night at church with the lady with the red hair. My head in my lap, hair covering my face. So embarrassed, crying so hard, needing to blow my nose so bad. I couldn't pick it up and get it all together. Its to late to go back to those days because really I already left, sometimes it being a mistake, other times it being the best thing that has ever happened in my life. And I met you, and you made me happy. You could be the one that could always make me smile. You could be the remedy that I was always looking for. Sometimes you have to skip over one thing to get to the next. Now why aren't you here with me and why do so many miles separate us? Maybe I was the one that left at dawn, but I never had you, and I'm sure that I never will. I cant tell you how I feel because I don't think that there are words to tell you how I feel, I'm sorry for that. I just wanted to give you everything that you ever wanted, and I wanted to look at you and be complete. I only had a few dreams, and it so happens that you could make both of them come true, only if you want to though. This bridge could bring us together. Bring you home someday when I was there. We aren't anywhere near each other but I do have this feeling that you know who I am, or that you at least somewhat remember me. Do you? I dreamed of you last night and no one is here with me anymore. I became so unimportant, I'm just afraid to admit that it matters and I don't want to say anything to them because I know how pigheaded this family really is when it comes to a fight. They're always right and I'm always backing down because I don't want to get into some kind of bigger mess than this is really worth. I wish the snow could bring my tears to fall right now because its building up inside so bad and I can't let it out without it. My words couldn't tell you how much help I need, how alone I am. That I'm so lonely and that I can't remember yesterday because I think that I slept it away, I hope I can do the same tomorrow. I don't understand why my damn teacher gave ma a report to do over Christmas break and my cd player is being all fucked up, so my entertainment has all gone to hell. But ill do something, read a book or something, but every book I have has been read at least ten times and I don't feel like reading them again. Don't you ever get as scared as I seem right now? I don't know if my mind is in overdrive or if everything is as slow as it seems. I lost my father and then that's when all of this started. I became someone that I don't know. And they sent me down to the office all the time and my "friend" Mr. Rogers would sit and talk to me, make me cry when he brought daddy up. Then know what, the other day someone called up asking for Ronnie, and I was like what the fuck, he's dead. And hung up, they haven't called back since and I'm scared because that's another part of my life that will never become complete. Maybe I was destined to be empty forever. ------------------------------ End of eda-thoughts-digest V3 #415 **********************************