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Subject: eda-thoughts-digest V3 #362
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eda-thoughts-digest     Thursday, October 26 2000     Volume 03 : Number 362




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                               Today's Subjects:
                               -----------------
  ET: funny... i don't FEEL that unhappy..                [RJonthego@aol.com]
  ET: dreaming..                                        [DrkShadws85@aol.com]
  Re: ET: holiness                           [shivergirl <tstevens@ican.net>]
  ET: not to belabour the point (too much ;)  [shivergirl <tstevens@ican.net]

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Wed, 25 Oct 2000 02:33:30 EDT
From: RJonthego@aol.com
Subject: ET: funny... i don't FEEL that unhappy..

hey all... i've been mucho busy. got really involved with the photo lab at 
college, and ceramics as always... i've been writing a lot - in writing 
marathons with friends, but there's just so MUCH of it that i haven't pulled 
stuff out to send to the list. it's so much crap getting down to the real 
bits.. you know. :) anyways, i wrote this just now, while i was emailing a 
friend. so here it is. thanks for the concern kara... no, i'm not bleeding at 
all. just... sighing every once in a while. ah well. life goes on.
roya


my fingers do my singing for me.
when they're flying, it's the only time i can be totally aware of myself
and unware
that i'm burning and freezing
and flying

it's a dirty trick really.
i'd give anything to fly and when i am...
my eyes are closed, and my heart is somewhere else.
my heart has been so far away today.
6 hours away, to be exact.
he'd ignore me if i told him - hell, i'd ignore me too.
no i wouldn't.
i'd fall for me because i loved me.
i'm like that
i love anyone who loves me.
but i especially love the one person who doesn't.

do you think it's love when you can stare at his picture for literally hours?
when you take a picture you're supposed to be able to see into their soul.
but this picture reads my soul
it's not fair!
it's backwards. it's not supposed to work that way!
but i look at his eyes, his smile, every little pockmark on his face, and 
it...searches me.
it gets me.
right to the very deepest part of me - the parts even i don't always 
understand.
that scares me sometimes
but more it reassures me.
that here's this ONE PERSON who understands me so well...

but then it depresses me. because he doesn't really.
understand - that is.
my fingers sing for me, and he used to smile because he knew what an integral 
part of me that was,
and he loved me
he did
but he never understood why they fly
never could figure out where i go to when i close my eyes.
to tell you the truth, i never could tell him either.
but that journey i took,
when my fingers sang
and my throat flew
was so important.

if i could get just a fraction of that back...that feeling of coming up for 
air and being reassured by his smile that let me know, oh -hey earth. i'm 
back.

when i feel myself weakening like i am now
i try to make my friends stronger.
they make me stronger.
i help them, i help myself.
nice little circle thing i've got going there.
i need them all to be here right now, with me, hugging me, sitting on my lap, 
surrounding me, giving me strength in laughter and arms. 
i am nothing without them.
i have to be everything though.

why do i keep wearing tank tops in the middle of a cold autumn night?
i'm just giving myself an excuse to shiver, lonely.
what's that say about me?
what's that say about you - you always used to get those hints so well.
i still have your jacket.
it's lost your smell long ago,
lost the significance
when i lost you.

i try not to think like that usually.
i lost you,no, no.. it was.. a mutual..... who the fuck am i kidding? no it 
wasn't.
i cried. i yelled. i pleaded. i demanded.
it wasn't a pretty thing, but i didn't feel pretty. 
love makes everything beautiful - have you noticed that?
and it left me. in one phone call. one little 10 minute episode that's left 
me bawling.
and left me wanting.
it's made me stronger, sure. if being strong means being able to put down the 
lighter after just 3 burns.
if it means putting a limit to three cuts a night.
oh sure, that's strength for you.

when you clip your own wings, they take longer to grow back.
i clued in on that after my fingers stopped singing
and my eyes stopped flying
and my throat was always sore.
my hands are cold right now, my fingers barely moving, i'm shivering in that 
stupid tank top at 11:25 at night.
i think i'll go outside
and sing
to myself.

and remember
myself.
and wish
for myself.

i love you,
but it's time for me to remember
that my fingers do my singing for me.
and you are just words on this page.

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 25 Oct 2000 15:35:25 EDT
From: DrkShadws85@aol.com
Subject: ET: dreaming..

- --dreams last night and always--

i thought i found what i lost
but its still broken
look down all i see
is the pile of blood i wish was there
they are worth it 
IM NOT WORTH IT
i came to let myself cry
only because no ones embrace made me feel safe
no words would convince me out of it
i set something in my mind and id love to carry through
but first let me tell you something
im sorry if i ever made you hurt or broke you
my love was was always existant, not present
im sorry i didnt make you smile more
yours always making me feel semi okay - im sorry i didnt smile back
im sorry i always came to you ina time of need and made you upset
only you opened my eyes, showed me some light
im afraid and sorry it wasnt enough
im sorry i wasnt as strong as you
i wish i could have help my head up

but i also have to say..
i cou ldnt reach out anymore,  help was beyond me
my most unpleasant thought i let them take over control me
remember where ill be..watching you
no final goodbye just remember ill miss you
my tears gone forever
my weary voice wavered away except maybe in your heart
im sorry i have to leave you

*screams*
im sitting
watching me kill myself in the mirror
it showed me the truth
who i really am
whether this decision is really right or wrong

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 25 Oct 2000 22:17:46 -0400
From: shivergirl <tstevens@ican.net>
Subject: Re: ET: holiness

i think it was oscar wilde who said "where there is pain, there is holy
ground."
i agree there does seem to be a lot of torment shuffled about here, but no
matter
what anyone says, i still believe it's usually what good art is made of, what
we
repress and thus have to get out in non-confrontational ways. and identifying
the pain
doesn't mean suddenly the monster has a name so you can get meds and it all
goes away.
for me, anyways, it's just usually an alias.

thanks KARA for being personal in your postings and for your classical,
beautiful "prose-poem thing." :)
yes, i'm happy(er). to have you and your talent back. as for the oldies,
ben+caroline i haven't heard from in months, and JAMES i wish for every time i
post. i' m sorry i forgot to mention you that time.

T

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 25 Oct 2000 22:50:19 -0400
From: shivergirl <tstevens@ican.net>
Subject: ET: not to belabour the point (too much ;)

alex wanted to know if there were any other german angels on the list.
i'm just wondering how many non-yanks there are. (including us two. ;)
T

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End of eda-thoughts-digest V3 #362
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