From: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org (eda-thoughts-digest)
To: eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org
Subject: eda-thoughts-digest V3 #340
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eda-thoughts-digest      Monday, October 2 2000      Volume 03 : Number 340




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                               Today's Subjects:
                               -----------------
  ET: i wrote these the other night                       [RJonthego@aol.com]
  ET: To them...                                        [DrkShadws85@aol.com]
  ET: the loudest thoughts of all from kat (help)  [Katherine Alexandra <jac]
  ET: Re: the loudest thoughts of all from kat (help)  ["Kevin B. Pease" <kb]

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Sun, 1 Oct 2000 01:03:10 EDT
From: RJonthego@aol.com
Subject: ET: i wrote these the other night

I've memorized the way I swallow
when I imagine your hands around my throat
I've memorized every scar
that you have and
that you've left me with
I've memorized hair in my face
sore throats and swallowing
I've memorized the side of your
head between your neck and your ear
I stare at you
slightly repulsed
I've memorized
every
small
thing
I think you've memorized the sound of my voice
But I don't think you'd be able to repeat
a single thing I've said.
I've memorized all of the unimportant bits
but I haven't memorized
life without you yet.

~~

I owe my life
to hair dye and rubber cement
really
to my rainbow collection of personalities
I can shuffle through at any time
to the glitter
and cut up magazines
I owe my life to spiral binding
holding me as I whirl around
and to swings
I owe my life to light
spotlights where I can sparkle
and read my magazines
where the colors are brighter
and the jokes funnier
I owed my life
to you
building up shells so you
could have the fun of
cracking each and every
counterfeit
while I stood by and watched
puzzled and laughing
because it was
in bright sunlight
and you couldn't tell that I
am no one color
I owe my life to
hair dye
and you, I guess,
because you tried.

~~

I'm too tired
to love
you
but I've been listening
to the naive voice of ghosts
reminding me what it was like
to be loved back
to be blown away by colors
but I'm too tired
to dream of flying
too dull
to think of glittering
too tired to keep up with you
I'm watching you run away
disappearing
I'm tired enough
to feel very small.

~~~
royaroyaroya

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 1 Oct 2000 18:14:15 EDT
From: DrkShadws85@aol.com
Subject: ET: To them...

To Grandma Bagley..

Im sorry
I watched the cancer take over
Every time I ran away while you were throwing up
Is regretted
Instead of standing next to you
Telling you how much
I love you
For every time I turned my head in fright
Of what was to come
Im sorry
I should have been telling you that its all 
Gonna be okay in the end
Even though you knew it wasn't
I should have hugged and kissed you more
But I was five
I didn't know how bad it was
They brought a hospital bed in your trailer
And I didn't get it
Until they put you in it because to weak to do anything anymore
Mommy took care of you because daddy had already died
It was your turn next
I regret not knowing how to say goodbye
And I didn't shed any tears
I didn't know what happened
I wish I could have freed you from your cancer
And taken it upon myself
I never got to know what a beautiful women you were
It was too late already
You left us


To Grandpa Bagley.. 

Im sorry that grandma died before you did
It broke your heart, the two of you
True soul makes
Im sorry we had to put you in a home
We couldn't take care of you anymore
After you had the stroke and everything
There was nothing we could do
Im sorry I didn't visit more
I was only five
I remember the last time I came to see you
I brought you my favorite picture that I colored for you
And I hugged you and told you I loved you
But that wasn't enough to keep you going
You missed grandma too much
And without her
You had no will to live
You didn't
You left us too


To Grandma Crickard...

Im sorry that I didn't take the chance
To stand up to you like I should have
Every time you told me how worthless
Stupid
Fat
Ugly
And useless I am
I just cried in my room for hours
I didn't want to live with you anymore
I finally got the chance to leave
Here I am gone
All you did was cry and say you loved me
That's the biggest lie
Im sorry you treated me the way you did
But Im not sorry that you are 2000 miles away
You hurt me more than anyone ever should
I was and am fifteen
And this hasn't ended yet
Youre still on the other end with a beating heart


To Grandpa Crickard…

What can I say except I love you for everything
The only constant man in my life
Didn't beat and abuse me like the others
Youre being jolly was always on my nerves
But you were always like Santa
You brought some of the greatest gifts
And I miss that
Im sorry I left you behind

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 1 Oct 2000 15:39:27 -0700 (PDT)
From: Katherine Alexandra <jackies_strength20@yahoo.com>
Subject: ET: the loudest thoughts of all from kat (help)

(the process of accidently ending)
3 hours ago i made a mistake and i can't go back.
i asked him if he could just please, not have heard
the words that i had spoke.
but he heard.
just a little over 3 hrs ago we talked about the lack
of sunshine and the rainy days.
promised each other absolutes
told him of my fears, and god knows how many of them i
hold.
told him how i miss wearing my pretty dresses out. 
feeling guilty for only being 20 years old
he told me not worry, we will cross that bridge when
we get to it.
but we are there, i said. we are at the bridge.
he said that he wasn't. but i am. i am. oh, he said.
throwing around options like floatable devices to save
us from the drowning
just too far. just too far to wait till may. 
i can't go through winter alone.
not wanting to let go.
said goodbye quickly, told me that he will call in a
few days when its not so cloudy.
think its all fallen to pieces
shouldn't have openned my mouth.
stared into the bathroom mirror.
ya, thats me, fucking everything up again.
strange to see my face covered in tears, my mouth
tremblng, my body shaking. reminding myself of the 6
o'clock news. torn apart at the seams. never seen my
face so gone.
never felt so gone.


__________________________________________________
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------------------------------

Date: Sun, 1 Oct 2000 23:29:11 -0400
From: "Kevin B. Pease" <kbpease@concentric.net>
Subject: ET: Re: the loudest thoughts of all from kat (help)

    Hey Kat,

    It sounds to me like you're having a less than extraordinarily good
weekend.  What's up?  I know it's probably not a whole lot of comfort, but
if you need to talk or blow off some steam or whatever, drop me a note.  I
may not be able to "do" anything, but I can at least listen & make
appropriately sympathetic noises, which can truly be more therapeutic than
you might think... :)

    Anyway.  I hope life's treating you reasonably well, although it sounds
as if it's probably not all that smashingly great right now.  Take care, and
feel free to unload on me, if it'll help.  Take care, and be well...

    Talk to you later.

    Kev

------------------------------

End of eda-thoughts-digest V3 #340
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