From: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org (eda-thoughts-digest) To: eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Subject: eda-thoughts-digest V3 #338 Reply-To: eda-thoughts@smoe.org Sender: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Errors-To: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Precedence: bulk eda-thoughts-digest Saturday, September 30 2000 Volume 03 : Number 338 * If you ever wish to unsubscribe, send an email to * eda-thoughts-digest-request@smoe.org with ONLY * the word unsubscribe in the body of the email * . * PLEASE :) when you reply to this digest to send a post TO the list, * change the subject to reflect what your post is about. A subject * of Re: eda-thoughts-digest V3 #xxx or the like gives readers no clue * as to what your message is about. Today's Subjects: ----------------- ET: Sorry (poem) ["Claudia" ] ET: (no subject) [DrkShadws85@aol.com] ET: ~oxidizing my byte~ [shivergirl ] ET: ~psyche snapshots~ [shivergirl ] ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 29 Sep 2000 11:00:29 +0200 From: "Claudia" Subject: ET: Sorry (poem) Why can't this angel be as sweet as everybody thinks. I keep trying to fill this emptiness but i see that i'm digging my ditch with the silly ways i use to keep me afloat. But i constantly keep sinking. I'm sorry, i'm ashamed. I hurt people just trying to protect me i made you feel bad and i'm so ashamed. I said things i never thought just to be sure you'd never leave me alone and i didn't realize how deep my stupid words could hurt you. Now i just want to close my eyes and try to forget all the disappointment i caused. I wish i weren't the way i am, i wish i were able to make everybody happy. Me included. But that is not that important. Maybe when i open my eyes all this pain will be gone and i'll be able to forgive myself. Somebody said sorry is a stupid word but that's all i've been thinking lately. I'm sorry. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~Love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking together in the same direction.~ - - Antoine de Saint-Exupéry ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 29 Sep 2000 17:13:16 EDT From: DrkShadws85@aol.com Subject: ET: (no subject) Well, err..this is my life at this moment, and I dont know how to say it any other way. Ive written oddles of poetry lately, but feel as if ive already bombarded this list with things that Ive written. And I know this is a place to be free with what you write and such, but I dont know how to explain my reasoning. There really isnt one I guess. Just a lot of shit thats going through my mind and my mind is failing to filture it as it should. but thats the life i lead, and whether i like it or not, its not changing at the moment..and couseling..oh freak forget it Im shutting up now...heres what i was intending to send..the this is my life at the moment part..blah thanks for listening to yet another session of my pointless ramble. it is appreciated. hope you all are having a better day than the one im having.. Everybody Hurts.. by: R.E.M When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone, when you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on. Don't let yourself go, everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes. Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along. When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on) if you feel like letting go, (hold on) when you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on. Everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends. Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand. If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long, when you think you've had too much of this life to hang on. Well, everybody hurts sometimes, everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes. And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. (repeat & fade) (Everybody hurts. You are not alone.) ============ yah well, ive had to much of this life and im not ready to hold on anymore. im alone, im depressed, im way out in left field, and no one has noticed, or maybe they have and they dont care, i dont know, thats the way its always been who knows. i dunno, yah ok...im going bye. - -samantha ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 29 Sep 2000 22:27:30 -0400 From: shivergirl Subject: ET: ~oxidizing my byte~ + you are smoking on the subway a bundled baby homeless in the doorway the bile rising clean air rolled up in a cigarette smiling with tea-stained teeth swallowing all my breath as i grimace inside blazing quietly you can't see the gleam as i'm forcibly pried away from the telescopes you call eyes leaning softly on the emergency alarm ready underneath my arm signaling the imminent blue the onslaught of you while all the rest of the passengers look on, unconcerned oblivious as the empty seat beside my vacant lot where you always sit in these words' memory beautifully paranoid and perturbed + the beginning of a cavity that's what the thought of you does to me where drilling through bone and examining x-rays of over-idealized better days offers me laughing gas and little else when the procedure is over and i have to tell you it's hard to make out your true heart even with directions and full-blown pictures when i'm not passed out on infatuation lazy with obsession and i virtually cannot open my mouth + ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 29 Sep 2000 22:27:43 -0400 From: shivergirl Subject: ET: ~psyche snapshots~ feedback is of course always adored. )even if it's not adoration( + barenaked but not at your best come, let us be honest (for once) let us get emotionally undressed since you're already strutting around without a moral stitch calling it nude because you think you're an artist hairy belly protruding from over-compensating from over-eating cradling all the broken birds in there swimming that you have shaken, stirred stolen and starved as you bring them back to life with the softest, whitest hands on a man they don't realize you have also brought them death cocooned and doomed ignorant about the world of hunters or anything else residing high above your nest believing manna is only to be found in worms + love billionaire investing in every tear beneficiary of all my worries when everyone else is broke it seems you are quite comfortable comforting the afflicted polishing your care trying to make me feel better about what simply isn't there and my trials turn into money i make by being sad and you know the down payment on my depression nearly cost me all i had but yet you give it all back in empathetic bulk every time i slip you some emotional cash you glow like lights on a register compensation for being a mess you profit from my robberies of the soul my neurotic don't-leave-anything-out directness rampant and skyrocketing like numbers and bottom lines on a chart ricocheting back to minus one feeling terminally alone whenever i forget on whom you've placed your bets + put my playground back up on the ceiling of my soul so i can slide down this life old age and remember with laughter all that came before pavement and concrete decisions, adult sins sexual scrapes and deliberate conversational omissions she had no part in but witnessed except to sit on the swing with only one leg working and waving at the departure of innocence always longing to be big enough like the boys so strong and tough hanging wild and free like a careless curious monkey from the bars where i've fallen countless times without a single bruise because my psyche is so advanced at hurt at knowing how to lose remain unfound when playing hide and seek piggybacking my sister only to discover she's the golden one and i'm too weak to race up the pole walk up the slides get dressed in my role of well-adjusted female troll and forget i ever saw what they looked like, my insides + sometimes you sleep through my miseries as if you cannot exist amidst such foreign sadness because you've never had the chance to contend with the moon's wrath only her glow even though i have personally made it your business revealing scar after scar while i beckon you inside my subconscious but my nightmares often go by and dissipate when the day wins old battles fought during the night by you are undetected like waking hours surrounding a piercing lucid dream i'm having you are a part of yet the orphan element in the context of the family god sent living underneath the big red tent + the time between the last breath and the secret song i've been waiting for this part all hour long trying to run through the production backwards, from finished to start like the music you like could somehow transplant my heart and i could stop pushing buttons furiously, heavily knowing full well they all go off inside of me in a box in a case of a cd closed tight seal white where i belong awaiting night the few seconds of sonic preciousness enough to last reach into the hands of the past deafening all the insults with cat-lives that go on even when the singing's gone the stinging is all i've come to depend on even in the silence insecurity's pull is still very strong and when negativity comes calling i always respond + white vinegar without the chips or fish i read your little meaty hooks and each message is my bait that i love to loathe a place where i grow my hate linguistic and squirming quivering on a string so i throw you back and i look at the lake catching everything + ------------------------------ End of eda-thoughts-digest V3 #338 **********************************