From: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org (eda-thoughts-digest) To: eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Subject: eda-thoughts-digest V3 #326 Reply-To: eda-thoughts@smoe.org Sender: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Errors-To: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Precedence: bulk eda-thoughts-digest Monday, September 18 2000 Volume 03 : Number 326 * If you ever wish to unsubscribe, send an email to * eda-thoughts-digest-request@smoe.org with ONLY * the word unsubscribe in the body of the email * . * PLEASE :) when you reply to this digest to send a post TO the list, * change the subject to reflect what your post is about. A subject * of Re: eda-thoughts-digest V3 #xxx or the like gives readers no clue * as to what your message is about. Today's Subjects: ----------------- ET: ~Self-Distruction [Raven Green ] ET: Mixed [DrkShadws85@aol.com] ET: The Pharmacist(poem) ["Seth D. Fulmer" ] ET: poems from 7th grade(poems) ["Seth D. Fulmer" ] ET: Love Paralysis(poem) ["Seth D. Fulmer" ] ET: well. there are a few good lines.. :P [RJonthego@aol.com] ET: what i don't have [RJonthego@aol.com] ET: (no subject) [DrkShadws85@aol.com] ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: 18 Sep 2000 02:39:59 -0400 From: Raven Green Subject: ET: ~Self-Distruction I haven't been writing much recently. But my muse continues to cause me pain, so here is a new one. As always, All comments are welcome. Thanks Sara ~Self-distruction I am torn up inside. I ache. I ache. I ache. There is a horrible Monster ripping me apart from the inside out. You are the monster. You are destroying me. and because of my undying hope I am letting you. Why am I letting you? Why am I letting you do this to me? Why? Why? Why? Why? I am confused I am so confused. Confused Confused! I am tired of being confused! I am tired of caring! I am tired of Feeling Why do I care? Why do I feel? Why? Why Why Why? I Cry for Help! I Cry And Cry And Cry And Cry! I Beg And Beg And Beg And Beg! For the assistance of others Yet when I have it, I dismiss it without a second thought because these are the words that I fear. because they take the knife from your hand and put it in mine. ******************************** www.chickclick.com Sign up for free email. http://chickmail.chickclick.com Win free stuff! http://contests.chickclick.com ******************************** ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 18 Sep 2000 07:20:49 EDT From: DrkShadws85@aol.com Subject: ET: Mixed - --Mixed-- Im gonna stare down to the ground wishing I could fly like a paper bag but it'll never happen the chances aren't real it hurts more and more each day it eats me alive dont brush shoulders with anyone it costs to much for the heart to live and die all over again I'm going crazy here sitting in the dark no one wants to turn on the lights for me and I dont know how to I would kill to get what I want as long as my hands stay clean Im gonna fight this inside me forever ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 18 Sep 2000 09:24:55 -0400 From: "Seth D. Fulmer" Subject: ET: The Pharmacist(poem) Hey everyone! I just came back from an extremely fun weekend. Ok, it wasn't THAT fun but here's what happened(in 2 sets of poems hehe :))...Thursday I had a doctor's appt that went well and the doctor gave some prescriptions...My grandmom was like "Do you wanna fill them?" and I was like "not especially, no"..but the realized I usually like going to the drug store because there's this nice old lady there that lives down the road from me and knows my name and stuff...so I went..Well the old lady wasn't there but this girl that if I had to guess had just gotten out of college(or was still in college) working there. She was rude and had absolutely NO people skills, but I don't know what came over me. I didn't care. Usually personality is like 90% of my criteria. Anyhow, like later that night I was lonely so I wished I had said something to her. I wrote this poem then. I hope you all like it and please feel free to ask me any questions you want and comments and all that are appreciated muchly! Also, you all know if you don't want to receive my poems, let me know and I won't send them to you anymore :o) -Seth ============================================================ The Pharmacist by Seth D. Fulmer 9-14-00 I met someone today in a most unlikely place I was filling my prescriptions and I fell in love and hate The doctor's visit went well She gave me prescriptions to fill My grandmother asked if I wanted to go and do it here or at school I walked right up and there stood an angel She was rude to me but oh so beautiful I would have asked her out right then and there but my grandmother served as my conscience She said to me "You have a girlfriend" What she doesn't know can't hurt her We went over to McDonalds for a snack to eat while the prescriptions were filled I wish now that I had asked her out Her name was Christine I think I'd have someone to chill with perhaps tonight and maybe tomorrow and Saturday Could I ignore her rudeness Could I ignore her spite She told me to sign the dotted line She started but failed to call me "stupid" Oh Forget her Seth! You're better than that! She'd only give you the respect of a peasant But you know me Conscience; All throughout college I choose girls who played hard to get with passion ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 18 Sep 2000 09:48:16 -0400 From: "Seth D. Fulmer" Subject: ET: poems from 7th grade(poems) Hey there :) When I was at home, I found a notebook that I kept from 7th grade. We had this "Sustained Reading and Writing" for a hour each day and these are some of the poems(well the decent ones) I wrote(that I can read..my handwriting was horrible then)...Any questions, comments, etc are welcome but please note...I'm a bit blushing by my poems here in 7th grade lol :) so please don't like flame me or anything. For your information in case you didn't know...I was about 13 years old in 7th grade, and I think you can see a little that I was starting to repress my male nature in this stage of my life. Also, if you don't want my poems, let me know -Seth :o) ============================================================ The first one I have no clue WHO Kristen is...considering the only one I know of entered the school district in 10th grade 3 yrs later in high school. Kristen by Seth D. Fulmer 7th grade sometime Kristen, Kristen, I like you so much It's hard to go to bed at night thinking I'm a putz(might be lutz or butz..not sure) I'd love to kiss you or take you to a dance or even to the Middle school so that we could dance ============================================ This 2nd poem is my infamous "Peppermint Way"...My friends from HS laugh at me(and I laugh at myself) for this poem because I read this in front of the freakin' class I wrote it in..I wrote it originally in 2 parts but I combined it into one here. It's cute...but I'm not cute lol :) The Peppermint Way by Seth D. Fulmer 7th Grade sometime Today is the day of the Peppermint way When the patient is met by a minty mouth surgeon And the doctor installs a burning hot mint that when he swallows refreshes his tonsils So the mint is dissolved and replace by a candy bar so that he can run, and jump, and talk So now that he talks, he speaks his first words Today is the day of the peppermint way Today is the day of the peppermint way When the patient is killed and his candybar is swallowed The patient goes up to the peppermint heaven and the Lord comes out with an island of spices The spices are sweet and salty with flavor The patient dissolves and gets wings of pure sugar and learns how to fly with the sugary angels to the islands of spices to live forever. Today is the day of the peppermint way. ==================================================== Chocolate by Seth D. Fulmer 7th grade sometime I like chocolate candy bars Chocolate, mints, and more But most of all I like Chocolate candy bars galore My mom is telling me not to eat it I just tell her no But when she tries it She just goes to bits on the floor I eat it Breakfast, lunch, and dinner I eat it on the ceiling; I eat it on the floor I eat it in Bed; I eat it at the door But when I eat it, I just want more, more, more ==================================================== That's it for the 7th grade poems lol :) Wasn't I such a dork!? Peppermint way? Chocolate? A poem about a girl when I was too chickenshit to even talk to one normally. Oh well, such is life :) Take cares and Have a Great Day! :o) -Seth ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 18 Sep 2000 09:57:29 -0400 From: "Seth D. Fulmer" Subject: ET: Love Paralysis(poem) Hey there :) I wrote this because all last night I was thinking about this situation a friend has with a guy that likes her. So I sorta wrote this to him but I admit it sucks a bit..I was just thinking overly a bit too much about it lol :) Let me know about being taken off(or if you have friends that want to receive my poems), or comments, questions, etc. Okey I'm off to work now. Take care of your pretty little selves and I'll talk to y'all later :o) -Seth ======================================================== Love Paralysis by Seth D. Fulmer 9/18/00 You love her dude or so you think But you do nothing Get some guts man If you care for her tell her so Call her, email her Hell, even visit her I know you care too much and because of that You don't want to lose that which you never really had If you really care, tell her Most anything might be wrong but if you do absolutely nothing Your loved one might be gone She does so much for you Why can't you just see that? Please just answer her hail and let her know you care But you are just paralyzed man Paralyzed by love and obsession I give you a shot of nerve now Please just go and take a stand ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 18 Sep 2000 17:08:58 EDT From: RJonthego@aol.com Subject: ET: well. there are a few good lines.. :P burn and burn and burn says the sharp red pen or else this fire in my throat was for nothing i can't dream without you making my cheeks curdle can't dream without smoke bringing tears to my eyes the heat of bodies pressing will be mine and i will burn and burn and burn with all of you to warm me. ~~ i worry i am going blind and who will i find to translate the colors for me? one piece of glitter falls adn i wonder how they could ever decribe the light in a photograph or a tear in an eye how will they read my writing when i press so hard my fingers start to bleed a bit. how will they tell of the thin girls dancing - will i lose self consciousness when there is no point in a mirror? "waiting in a life full of little stories for a death to come." ~~ 15 year olds are getting older you wouldn't think from the stories of fire and hell that they ever had the softest kind of skin 15 year olds are getting harder more poised their eyes don't crack as easily tears come quieter now torn by temporary silence 15 year olds are louder now more perceptive not wanting to hear what the winds have to say filling the space with crashing and communicating wordlessly, noisily, through eyes that clash like symbols 15 year olds are getting drunk and bleeding staying out and screaming and longing for a kind of rest when they can take off their heavy armor, lie down and fall asleep without the radio. ~~ 9-16-00 i spilled glitter all over my bed - -today was a messy day- and i might even have glitter in between my toes under my tongue today was hot and i was thinking of two somebodies. my hair was heavy i wanted to get drunk. i want to feel it in my toes and melt into every step padding across the carpet to sit on a bed and not have you move away from me i'm more truthful when my guard has let itself down past myknees stay here with me tonight, please. wake up glittering. ~~ Bullshit. I rip into my throat and hold my hand against the white tile of a steaming shower the lies i sing make my throat bleed but i wouldn't care if you were singing lies to me. I step out of the shower. Truth and I are both naked and bedraggled. Another night over and i haven't been stabbed. ~~ The orange poem draped across my pillow purrs and I drop my backpack at the door, to lay my head down in it's lap. I am always seduced by my art and liking it fine. ~~ The night I was going to die all I could do was curl up tired for teh third time I expected to sleep and sleep and suddenly I wasn't sorry it hurt too much to be sorry even your arms, and tehn hers, couldn't anchor me to missing you There was hammering in my ears someone was building a box around me tears leaked out through the cracks and after it was over i just wanted rest i slumped against the wall around me it dissolved and i felt you holding me again The night i died and came back. ~~ Then she said it doesn't matter anymore and i felt like agreeing with her but because it was my job to keep my feet on the ground even if i felt like flying i told her becuase it doesn't matter doesn't mean there won't be consequences I've said this before she's more convincing than i am. then she said what would i do if you weren't ehre and i felt like saying it doesn't matter anyway but that's not my job so i agreed and returned the favor. ~~ royaroyaroya ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 18 Sep 2000 17:40:32 EDT From: RJonthego@aol.com Subject: ET: what i don't have I'm waiting for her footsteps for her to open my door peering like a vulture to feast on the remains of what is rotting inside of me. Waiting for her crocodile jaws to snap and sever my last iota of control until i flail like something dying and she watches - the know-all lioness waiting to pounce on tender prey. ~~ There's an empty wine bottle on my bed and my tongue squeezes to lick the last bit of mellowness from the night. My headache is raging and I'm afraid you've lost interest too. I want to sink gently softly somewhere not remember when those pictures were taken. I want to remind you, though I'm sure you know - I'm not all black and white. ~~ I know you have to walk through fire yet i keep climbing (the alpine path) what matters most now is that i never stop my bed smells like ink and wine and it's missing the smell of you my room is full of smoke i've biult a home out of matches and every night at 11 i watch it burn alone Then pick up and walk through the fire. ~~ no there's nothing wrong it's just that i don't have the strength it takes to hold back tears right now. but if you could hold me be strong for me i'd probably stop. ~~~ royaroyaroya curtis - for writing club ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 18 Sep 2000 18:37:14 EDT From: DrkShadws85@aol.com Subject: ET: (no subject) Nothing to say, nowhere to go. Stuck in a hellish place that I cant relieve myself of. Theres one way to end everything, but supposedly that really isnt a good way to solve your problems. People think that the only things that are wrong are the things going on in my mind. Theyre real, at least to me they are. You cant understand anything Im feeling unless you were standing here with me. Even then, maybe not. There are so many complications that I dont know how to explain, to consider, to understand. Im way over my head in life; Im not doing a very good job of coping either. Stay happy on the outside, leaving my interior to be as it really is. Unhappy describes a lot of what I am, how I percieve things. Empty is what I am on the inside. There are a lot of desires left unspoken. As Ive told someone before, just because I say I like it doesnt mean I want it, and just because I dont say anything doesnt mean it doesnt matter to me and I dont care. My brain works in strange ways, in the end I really never mean to hurt anyone or to be cruel. Thats just the way it comes out to sometimes. My foul moods (the ones I have all so often) can ruin everything. Happy people came make other people around them feel good. Happy people make me pissed, upset, jealous. They make me feel just plain shitty. I try to figure out why I cant be like them, but no particular reason comes to me. Maybe its all in my personality, though it feels like my personality is constantly being altered. I feel something different, something new everyday. Two days are never the same for me. Or are they that way for everyone? I couldnt tell you. I dont know all the answers, I dont everything there is to know. But I do know a lot of nothing, I couldnt even tell you who I am or what I am feeling right at this moment. To some people Im sure thats disturbing, maybe it is to you. But its nothing new to me, just another normality that I deal with everyday in my life. The scenary change isnt helping me at all. Nothing is, nothing probably ever will. I dont know if I want it to. Im so accustemed to thi ngs being like this that anymore change may do some serious damafe. Im so screwed up already. I couldnt take it is anything else went wrong. I dont know what Id do. Just SNAP, but not out of this. Id be in a whole nother level. In a place that I truly dont want to be. Maybe its just another place that only exists in my mind. Something else I couldnt tell you. I dont know why Im writhing this. I dont know why I ever write anything. its just a jumble of nonsense written on a piece of paper. Its VERY signigicant to me, but if you dont know me it probably means nothing to you. A lot of things go wrong. Things rarely going right. I dont see the point of things. I cant see the light at the end of the tunnel. There isnt one. I dont see the point. I just dont. make it go away, make it all go away. - --Samantha-- ------------------------------ End of eda-thoughts-digest V3 #326 **********************************