From: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org (eda-thoughts-digest) To: eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Subject: eda-thoughts-digest V3 #319 Reply-To: eda-thoughts@smoe.org Sender: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Errors-To: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Precedence: bulk eda-thoughts-digest Tuesday, September 12 2000 Volume 03 : Number 319 * If you ever wish to unsubscribe, send an email to * eda-thoughts-digest-request@smoe.org with ONLY * the word unsubscribe in the body of the email * . * PLEASE :) when you reply to this digest to send a post TO the list, * change the subject to reflect what your post is about. A subject * of Re: eda-thoughts-digest V3 #xxx or the like gives readers no clue * as to what your message is about. Today's Subjects: ----------------- ET: "the spirit moves me..." [RJonthego@aol.com] ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 11 Sep 2000 15:09:06 EDT From: RJonthego@aol.com Subject: ET: "the spirit moves me..." Well it's been a while since i've really sat down and written, but the past two days "the spirit moved me to utter a few yowls" so here they are. Roya "in the fiddlers house, everyone is a dancer" ~~~ wild blue when from liquid sounds the bruises grow slice love dry sister go cry i want lace about my skin consuming what you used leave me run away like him i did not ask he did not say can blue turn me wild and teach me why? ~~~ - -hollywood blvd- Every step you take melts the sidewalk we don't even realize that we are walking on the stars now and hordes trip despairing their false truths while we are content just to step over the gum on the sidewalk that is scarred with age cement which makes a pillow for too many people melting into gray sleeping with the stars. ~~ I remember falling asleep so many times so lucky in your arms one song after another the radio is telling me i'm missing you this headache is falling down into my throat let me swallow these memories too. ~~ I have always known you were a violent man how do all the walls fall down at once? Our city is burning i can see my sisters, one trapped in a burning building, one pressed underneath a fallen wall My mother had hidden herself in a cave already, alone angry in her sorrow Take it back. Baba - he was just intent on teaching lessons he is outside the remnants, watering the lawn as if he wasn't burning inside, as if the water might extinguish the flames the open sky where our family was is too oppressive my sisters are burning and dying the wail of sirens from both sides He is not listening to us anymore. I have always known that he could be a violent man. ~~ - -barely exaggerated- Outside it starts raining. and i think that there's something not right. it's august, almost september, raindrops have no business here. it's a hot night though, despite the rain. i'm staring futilely through the slits of the blinds on my window, imagining a scarred face, with sweat from this muggy night under his eyes, staring back. i turn away. a car chugs along outside. i think maybe i should close the window, maybe it's not safe. but it's so hot. i checked behind the shower curtain 53 times today. i turned off the computer, i locked the door. did i lock the car? oh shit... i won't get up. i won't look. what if someone is looking into my bedroom now? what if they know i didn't lock the car and i won't be able to drive to school tomorrow? i get up and go outside. it's much cooler. there are spider webs on my porch. no moon. it stopped raining. now my feet are wet. the car was locked. i hurry back inside, panicky until i close the door and lock it. back to my room, stop at the bathroom. 54. i lay down on my bed, with the lights still on. people outside can see in, but i can't forget tom sawyer. how a light left on saved a lady's life. i usually fall asleep with the light on. the book shelf at the end of my bed has two trophies on the top shelf. i have a sudden vision of being stabbed by the gold figure on top if we have an earthquake. i stand up on my mattress and take the trophies down. lay down again. pull up the blanket, even though it's hot, and there's no air coming through the window. i always need something covering me. i can't sleep. did i lock the car? oh, right. then what did i forget? i go to get a glass of water. 55. lay back down. the light is awfully bright. i close my eyes but my toes are twitching. my toes... i reach down and pull off my socks. no wonder. i close my eyes, and i'm asleep. ~~ - -october love- I exploded when i saw him. he smiled quizzically at me and almost guiltily, i tried to collect the fragments of myself before he noticed my barriers were down. he hugged me, a hug that threatened to fracture my very being, yet seamed my scattered thoughts together. oh, he was dangerous still. i stepped back. was i all together again? yes, i was. i avoided his eyes and proceeded to laugh my way through our conversations. oh if only i wasn't still feeling broken. one look into his eyes and i was afraid i might crack. the large bushes of lavender made the air purple. it was October, afternoon, and i was busy falling in love. some folks fall in love with summer. the bare bodies, heat, long days and bright oceans. some people fall in love during spring, new beginnings, soft colors and flowers. i fall for fall. the air is crispier than burnt toast, and smells a whole lot better than charred brad also. every breath i take penetrates my brain, the parts that get lazy during the summer. my hearing is keener, my eyesight is better. i'm lighter, the air is crystal clear and i can slide right through. i can stand in my driveway, smell lavender, taste pumpkin pie and see into the future. it doesn't scare me; i'm in love. and all through November (the butterflies in my stomach were orange-seasonal), December (giving giving giving was better than receiving), January (forget new year, it's a new life), February (the month of love...), March, April, May (i pressed the flowers he picked for me), June (oh the ocean called...), and July. July. where the sun beat down and baked us both. it toughened his skin, but mine peeled back, red and tender under his touch. but he didn't care. didn't care. and i rubbed on the aloe myself. i laughed in surprise at how much it stung. i had tears in my eyes. it was July. and there was no excuse for me to need warm arms around me. but those days were so long. and the nights -- short and warm, where i tossed restless under my sheets and my bare walls stared at me, accusing, reproachful. everything hurt me in August. the sun was too bright. the days that i had to keep up a smiling front were too long. the nights that i could be myself, were too short. i felt every slight as a mortal insult. i looked at every compliment suspiciously. i was turning bitter, left out in the sun too long without anyone to call me inside. there are no holidays in August. i had no break from this. September was mild. i could feel the transition creeping up on me. i started laughing with my eyes again the days were shorter. less harsh. October came again and i sprouted wings. i flew above myself, past my memories, beyond other's warnings. we were in love again. me, him, and October. it was better than before. faster, too. April brought the showers. a cold rain and thunderclouds from him, then torrents from my eyes. but i got rid of the bitterness faster this time. instead i watched. i still loved. love with an ache though, when i thought about it. i hoarded every word, i gloated over every laugh. i treasured these beyond all possessions, because i knew now they would not be given to me freely. i had to catch them, collect them for myself. and still i loved. i exploded when i saw him. tremors ran through my body for minutes afterwards. May, June, August -- one aftershock after another. i was so afraid he would see the walls crumbling behind my eyes. September came and i felt the days changing. October and i'm in love again. some people fall in love with the shine and sweat of glistening summer. some fall in love with the velvet smoothness of spring. i am in love with October. and i am waiting for October to love me back. ------------------------------ End of eda-thoughts-digest V3 #319 **********************************