From: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org (eda-thoughts-digest) To: eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Subject: eda-thoughts-digest V3 #295 Reply-To: eda-thoughts@smoe.org Sender: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Errors-To: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Precedence: bulk eda-thoughts-digest Saturday, August 12 2000 Volume 03 : Number 295 * If you ever wish to unsubscribe, send an email to * eda-thoughts-digest-request@smoe.org with ONLY * the word unsubscribe in the body of the email * . * PLEASE :) when you reply to this digest to send a post TO the list, * change the subject to reflect what your post is about. A subject * of Re: eda-thoughts-digest V3 #xxx or the like gives readers no clue * as to what your message is about. Today's Subjects: ----------------- [none] ["Seth D. Fulmer" ] ET: poem ["Claudia" ] ET: Heart Upgrade(poem) ["Seth D. Fulmer" ] ET: "Every time I look at you, I get a fierce desire to be lonesome." Oscar Levant [Mango Ara ] ET: every step of the way. [Naomi ] ET: my car [Katherine Alexandra ] ET: ~telephone conversation 1001~ [shivergirl ] ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Fri, 11 Aug 2000 07:48:23 -0400 From: "Seth D. Fulmer" Subject: [none] Hi everyone, just some thoughts and a (sorta one sided, the way they tend to be with me) conversation with God as I woke up this morning in tears. Whomever might read this and be affected...don't be as I will adapt. I may be human but life goes on. If you don't want my poems, let me know and you won't ever receive them. Bye byes :) -Seth ======================================================== Conversation with God by Seth D. Fulmer 8/11/00 God I'm so scared I'm confused and yet I love her The poison inside me is eating me alive I want to just run away and hide far from here Somewhere nobody will find me deep inside my mind I love her so much I would really do anything I have said this a thousand times She means all the world to me I may not be in love with her What the hell is the difference??? between love and in love I want to just be with her every day and every hour Lord What did I do wrong here? Am I such a fucking reject? Two people in one year and they both say I've done nothing wrong She says that I'm wierd God She says that I scare her Perhaps I am wierd but I'm nothing others are not I so saw us with children in a few years and married I saw us going to Paris and that I'd never be alone I pray that I never am alone but in a way I know I will one day When I am old and with grey hair with 50 grandkids that all hate me and a retirement fund written in red When I'm living off of life support Lord I wish that I'd just die Rather than going through that I want you to just take me Right now if you must though The pain from the poison is staggering If I could suck the poison out of me I would and I'd never let anyone have it God please let me love someone forever ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 11 Aug 2000 16:08:48 +0200 From: "Claudia" Subject: ET: poem I often try to find the right words to make you understand how special and unique you are. Your beauty is simple and pure, true like all the things that don't need anything but their own essence to touch people's hearts. Your only breath makes me feel safe, and like a precious pearl in the shell of your heart you gently rock me on the waves of your love. Your presence, wherever you are, constantly lights the darkest moments of my life and shows me the way to reach that secret eden where my dreams and reality are the same. Like the pole star of my existence you are my only truth and your protection shines in all the little gifts nature sends me every day. The little sparrow that wish me good morning, the shy daisy that smiles at me from the dewy field, the young swallows that keep me company in my lonely evenings, the soft breeze that wipes my tears away when i watch the sunset without you. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~Love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking together in the same direction.~ - - Antoine de Saint-Exupéry ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 11 Aug 2000 12:54:35 -0400 From: "Seth D. Fulmer" Subject: ET: Heart Upgrade(poem) Hey all, ok..Steph's not receiving this because I don't want to upset her or scare her. Here's something I just wrote. I hope you all are having a good day. (those of you who I've talked to, nothing has happened from the last poem..just new thoughts). If you don't want my poems, let me know and you won't receive them. Take care of yourselves :o) -Seth ======================================================================== Heart Upgrade by Seth D. Fulmer 8/11/00 Sometimes I just want to find myself someone who can associate with me who doesn't need me to say something for the action of kissing my lips What would be so very awesome would be someone I can open up to one hundred percent fully and perfectly and who will accept me like I'm one with them The pain within me just sits here and dulls It feels like a dull tummy ache It's only higher in my heart muscle I want someone who can take that out and replace it with some nourishment not kisses and hugs and intimacy but intimacy in total with words I thought I found that person already But after almost four weeks of hoping and dreaming Things have started and quickly gone sour I don't know if I can retrieve the pieces All my friends are good at talking but can't fix what they didn't break Right now I would almost be tempted to trade in my heart and get the new model, state of the art Fully loaded with self love generation and pockets for some hope and faith I can easily love someone and then using a built in emotional shield I'm protected when they lose their charm ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 11 Aug 2000 09:58:48 -0700 From: Mango Ara Subject: ET: "Every time I look at you, I get a fierce desire to be lonesome." Oscar Levant the rest of the poems from my trip. - --- cold reading kerouac by a florescent lamp attracting bus my hands cold numbing, the magazine picture on my diary breathes blue breath mint ribbons and my gold nailpolish chips darkness the kind that isn't quite dark yet the trees look black while the sky remains the kind of blue that's glowing almost electric powder fading yet lusting after its hold on the sky the bonfires smoke but none in my eyes because it's too far away for that and young parents couple their kids to bed in tents with flashlights darting around like lit marbles rolling into my eyes then focus into settling darkness of dusk night light gone pale faded resiliantly gone air cold my nose cold my fingers brightly lit by lamp their knuckles a stark shadow sharp smooth rolling contrast cold air big sur kerouac in the moist air night to come and sleep warm sleep - --- morning time, morning too soon my head hurts like it is toothpaste being squeezed, my tongue moves along my teeth they are smooth their edges bother me my legs tan my legs firm my legs jiggle if you get cold too soon after you shave it defeats the purpose, my legs are cold my eyes burn, eyeliner reapplied and i bite my nails, i never bite my nails i never bite my nails - -normally, but this is not a normal day, or is it? the trees serene the trees perfect the light like angels dancing fairies kissing on those leaves so touched and i have to pee my sweater rogue red crawls up my shorts silver shiny crawl up my bra wire has poked through the bra it pries pierces cuts my tits like teeth or a stick caught inbetween your jeans and your thigh the mosquitoes made a meal of me they say i am sweet but how can i be when i feel so poisoned and i want to kill somebody, no manslaughter is wrong my dear, or no, manslaughter is not wrong maybe, but it's wrong in the eyes of the law- the law, big man of all men, guns and dare-you-defiance, but is womanslaughter wrong, maybe not, maybe not, my fingertips feel pulled like close to bleeding so now the nail is too short, my hand aches my mind weary my tits weren't sore but they are now, my legs want to run forever their muscles crawling i fucking killed it i want out, even the sky is trapping me in. - ---- fog hangs low like thickness over buildings squared corners a shrouding mist moist particles of it get caught in your hair get caught between your sweater and skin get caught between your emotions and i, i am here leaning against a pillow that sports a green dragon long neck curving down toothy comically at an animation knight eyes-head-body covered looking up as if saying, hmm, to run or not to run? i, classic girl modeling myself after statuesque models like sleek audrey hepburn her monalisaing smile her lips like, "i have secrets and something to say, but you will have to try to know it, to find out" - -i, i'm here, trapped between my aching head and my bored fingers, traversing over my bones through my skin, nearly-milky in my wishful eye, almost-in perception. i am looking out at the cars dozing on the one-way streets my amusement splintered my weariness on edge the sea level with the road its waves not waves but simply merging into a fog that rises up from the surface like breath pointed trees gray folds of mountains, that are all trees, i, i am here, rubbing my arms, keeping my mind off that my homesickness is just below the surface, - -see how my shiny valour lean-sleeved hoodie slinks up my stomach, pulls across my tits in a round display? i am a girl, full-on for you, not tight-lipped or nails clenched, all full all ready for more and they say i am one of such that give off mixed signals, as if i should be all sorted and all figured out already. i, chick-flick of your american- dreaming girl, inhale mist exhale heat and "i like your skirt" he says, well... well. i am at a loss for words. - --- samara - -- "My life's so common it disappears"--Paul Simon ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 11 Aug 2000 10:05:35 -0700 From: Mango Ara Subject: ET: the thoughts that drift away someone's gonna get it, and it's not me-it's not fucking me this time. in the early morning fog baby blue blanket white towels gray light i could hate you or maybe i do i do i do i wish i would hate you so fuck you fuck you all for pretending to care so much about me and ignoring every bit of me when it's gone ignoring every bit of me when i'm gone i hate this place, the miserable beauty the pines poking into the top of the fog the murky river and hotel bedspread in the chair, the bottle of pills, the bottle of water that i'm not drinking so fuck you, fuck you all for placing me up so high that you knew that i would fall and not bothering to see if i was really gone and now i hear the sound lacking from the phone, the alarm which didn't ring but screams 8:30 in the morning, digging into my lack of dreams, and i don't know what i can do about you, i don't know what i would do without you there, making me feel so worthy & worthwhile, forgetting me when i smiled-- well every little detail made special is what made me breathe and now i'm gasping like a fish far from home gasping like a goldfish, pretty little thing too scared too dumb to know what to do, except to fuck you, fuck you all for this treat turned and taken from me you knew how to get me and then disappear from view, you didn't care much that i was gone, no you didn't bother noticing i am gone - --- broken left twisting she's lying there a waste morning comes without bringing much of day she digs into her arm she swore that she'd refrain blinking burning eyes she can't take more pain she'd like to climb up high into that bending pine or jump off a streetlamp or out of line but not this time, she's standing still waiting for the empty spot within to fill pressing her head to the windowpane she knows there's more, she doesn't know its name don't delay, don't be long woman on your own, looking for something more you'll belong if you're strong dirty girl, there's always more, there's never more this time trembling in the dark scared to make a move all she wants is care nothing she can prove she places scarlet begonias by the phone just wanting to enjoy not to be alone don't delay, don't be long woman on your own, looking for another door you'll go on if you're strong dirty girl, there's always more, there's not more enough this time stifling smiling piercing prying dogface lustmouth will this turn out she's pressing the flowers to her eyes hoping that she can come alive climbing the doorstop as it jams grabbing your hand don't delay, don't be long woman not alone, looking for more you'll belong if you're strong dirty girl there's always more, there must be more this time - --- samara - -- am i alive the thoughts that drift away does summer come for everyone can humans do what prophets say and if i die before i learn to speak can money pay for all the days i lived awake but half asleep - --primitive radio gods ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 11 Aug 2000 12:11:08 -0700 (PDT) From: Naomi Subject: ET: every step of the way. just something i'm experimenting w/. comments would really be great. hope you all are well. bye now. love&laffs, nai - --- holding sheets. molten, magnolia eyes flicker fondly back into me as my glory falls. tangle of pillow & down, his fingers gliding my lines, tilting, w/ wobbly assurance, my passion... *this is my freedom,* i think, as i blend to your whispers... kissing you, dream licks scraping your core, stealing your soul clean of all tastlesss promise... till all that remains is you; is me; is this; is now; is the waking forethought of the necessity we bypassed to hit the peak of sparkling claymoons... *this is my love's form.* ===== "What is Desire? Desire is... complicated. One person always wants the other person more." -VS __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Kick off your party with Yahoo! Invites. http://invites.yahoo.com/ ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 11 Aug 2000 14:41:34 -0700 (PDT) From: Katherine Alexandra Subject: ET: my car thank you for the kinds words... just to make sure y'all realize that i wasn't completely stupid about this, i had to have my crap in my car. i am in a 2 week change from summer to fall semester. i dont know many people in oregon to store my crap, i was lucky enough to have stored a few boxes at someones house, so i do have that back in oregon. childhood memories that sort is at her apartment. but during this change i had to carry some crap with me, so i put it in the trunk, nothing in the car was visable, just a hamper with a robe in it. nothing important. the weird thing is, we are staying here for the next few days to see if the car turns up. last night we got a call from a man that found some personal belongings of mine. car insurance, car info, an essay, some photos. this man claimed that he found it by a dumpster, in 2 seperate piles. the security gaurd there said that no one threw anything in that dumster in the past 2 days. we have a feeling this is the man, he's trying to get more money out of us, and he might be stupid enough to get caught. the police said that this happens sometimes with drug users. often times they want to make contact with the people that they stole from. i find this all creepy. anyhow, thanks for all of your support. i really need it right now. love, kat __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Kick off your party with Yahoo! Invites. http://invites.yahoo.com/ ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 11 Aug 2000 20:45:40 -0400 From: shivergirl Subject: ET: ~telephone conversation 1001~ for dolphin-boy + breathing in the ocean/with you/underneath/ the reefs/floating on top/of everything/that is/ not us/pulled into a black wave/tumbling towards/ an aqua cave/that is our silence/and acceptance/ converging/in the depth/of trust/beckoning us/ closer than/ever/water making love/to rocks + ------------------------------ End of eda-thoughts-digest V3 #295 **********************************