From: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org (eda-thoughts-digest) To: eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Subject: eda-thoughts-digest V3 #260 Reply-To: eda-thoughts@smoe.org Sender: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Errors-To: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Precedence: bulk eda-thoughts-digest Monday, July 10 2000 Volume 03 : Number 260 * If you ever wish to unsubscribe, send an email to * eda-thoughts-digest-request@smoe.org with ONLY * the word unsubscribe in the body of the email * . * PLEASE :) when you reply to this digest to send a post TO the list, * change the subject to reflect what your post is about. A subject * of Re: eda-thoughts-digest V3 #xxx or the like gives readers no clue * as to what your message is about. Today's Subjects: ----------------- ET: my thoughts for you to read (if you want) [Katherine Alexandra ] ET: Nothing but us (song) ["Claudia" ] ET: poem [shell ] ET: when you say nothing at all. [Naomi ] ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 8 Jul 2000 22:41:11 -0700 (PDT) From: Katherine Alexandra Subject: ET: my thoughts for you to read (if you want) i can no longer write. my words are turning empty and there is nothing that i can say, except that i am apologize to myself. because there are so many things need to get out, so many things eating inside of me, so many things that needs to be expressed but there is nothing i can say, nothing i can write. i have been away from home for over 2 months now. god i think i am on my third month now. i am starting to know the streets, i am starting to surprise myself by not getting lost. i still dont know where the best sandwhich is, and i am still finding new corners. i can't walk into a store with waves and friendly hellos, it is all the beginning. i spend most of my time studying. sometimes i go to the ocean to think. its hard to say what i am thinking about these days. i feel as though i have grown in so many ways, i can barely remember my life in florida. sometimes i wish i could miss my friends a little more, show some good natured pain for being far from the small town that i lived in for 4 years. but life seems better without palm trees. somedays are harder then others. i wonder how i got here and i need my mothers hug. i hate the time zones seperating us. yet i have found such comfort in this distance. deciding to better myself, i saw a councellor for the first time this past week. i threw up during the session, i felt so fucking low when i walked out of the calming colors of the office. i felt as though i stripped away all of my secrets for a stranger to analyze and see just how messed up things were. for someone to give me that i'm so sorry look a little harder. and i want things to be pretty. so i found myself defending my brothers actions, i found myself excusing my parents misunderstandings, i found myself questioning who i am, angry that this woman, with pale blond hair, was aware of why i wake up with nightmares. i dont want to go back. but he is so proud that i went for help. he is so proud of me for walking in that door. and now all of those nights where i called crying with pills in my hand, they all weren't in vain. he is so happy for this, and here i am, questioning weather or not to ever walk through those doors again. there is something strange about talking about yourself. with a woman sitting across, a pad and paper, writing down the strange things that i say, asking questions, and i know where she is getting at. no i am not anorexic. no i am not bulimic. yes i am skinny. no i am not an alcholic. yes i do drink. no not alone. yes i think of hurting myself but doesnt everyone? life is painful. yes i feel hopeless but i also feel optimistic no i do not abuse substance yes i do smoke pot yes i am sexually active no, not to fill a void. after she questioned me, after the interrigation of why i am walking in, she told me that i am brave. i thought of my mother, of her life, of her pains, of her poverty, of her father dying, of her abuse, of her neglect, she had my brother at 20, her strength is incredible, and she never went to a councellor. she made it out fine. and here i am, a little girl with some suburban blues, a few bruises, some bad stories, stuck sitting in a chair allowing it to eat me up, while i talked to this woman about our games as children under tents. and i spoke about this so detachted. she looked uncomfortable while i said what he would do, what we would do, how it made us feel. i could see in her eyes, she wanted me to show some emotion. so i vomitted the pain out. i wont cry infront of her. tierd, anxious, alone, here i am standing waiting for him to call. realizing that i have been depending on everyone else for far to long. maybe i am growing up in portland, oregon. __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get Yahoo! Mail – Free email you can access from anywhere! http://mail.yahoo.com/ ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 9 Jul 2000 02:59:45 EDT From: RJonthego@aol.com Subject: ET: I don't want to hurt you, but... You hurt me only because i let you punch those holes through my armor the holographic defense i erected to let you keep your pretense of being the one with all the power. but i cry these tears not you it is my will that's broken and my ears that ring why do you get to me? why do i let you? who are you that i willingly give you the reins? maybe because you said you were the protecter at first and i wanted to believe that you said you hated to see me hurt i believed you would manipulate for me somehow that got twisted and now you blame yourself for jerking me around like a puppet but i hold the scissors between my teeth but i still bob there on a string i still hit the floor when, distracted, you let me go. i still cry in tears that are my own and you still think that it's all because of you. ~~~ roya ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 9 Jul 2000 17:44:19 +0200 From: "Claudia" Subject: ET: poem Like the sky and the ocean we kiss each other and we can't tell where's the border-line between us. My weakness disappears in your arms and your fears melt away in my eyes. When i look at myself i see a stupid little girl, when you look at yourself you see something you don't like but when we look at each other we see two winners, we see all we need. Only with each other's love we can be proud of who we are, only in each other's heart we are not afraid of this world and find the strength to build a new special one just for us. I love you Steve ~Love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking together in the same direction.~ - - Antoine de Saint-Exupéry ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 9 Jul 2000 17:53:39 +0200 From: "Claudia" Subject: ET: Nothing but us (song) This is a song i just wrote...it has nothing to do with my personal life but it just came out and i kinda like it so let me know what you think! ~Nothing but us~ The night slowly pass me by and i keep thinking about you and i. Can't close my eyes, can't forget all the tears but everything around me just reminds me how much i need you here. We hurt each other with unsaid words and forgave our faults with secret thoughts but when i was finally fed up with your lies you kept me coming back with your honest eyes. And it hurts, it hurts so bad and i only wish you knew all the things i never said. Nights seemed so cold and days so heavy but just remember, baby that it was still us, nothing but us. I know i made too many mistakes and your broken promises were as slimy as snakes, our fears build a wall between our hearts but you know how this limbo is tearing me apart. Too in love to hate what we were and too weak to forget what we felt. I miss your love and your sweet lips but my heart tells me i can't take any more risks. And it hurts, it hurts so bad and i only wish you knew all the things i never said. Nights seemed so cold and days so heavy but just remember, baby that it was still us, nothing but us. ~Love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking together in the same direction.~ - - Antoine de Saint-Exupéry ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 9 Jul 2000 09:15:17 -0700 (PDT) From: shell Subject: ET: poem Another based on old feelings for John Tuttle. I walk by, head held up, eyes forward no, eyes forward. You don't care Courtney. Do NOT Care. Walk by. Your eyes undeterred by me. I do care. I care quite a bit. I care enough to walk by again. I walk by, yet again putting on my calm-cool-collected-I'm-okay-you're-okay- everyone's-okay face. Eyes yet again undeterred by my obviousness. Scan the room. Ha ha-ha! There's Katrina. Walk with her. Talk to her, we're friends. She's friends with John. Okay. This is good. Chat with her, wander over to John with her. John pays attention this time. To her. Yet again, eyes undeterred by my obviousness. Curses! Foiled again! ~~~~~ Please comment. Court For whom the bell tolls? It tolls, for thee. _______________________________________________________ Say Bye to Slow Internet! http://www.home.com/xinbox/signup.html ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 9 Jul 2000 19:51:03 -0700 (PDT) From: Naomi Subject: ET: when you say nothing at all. i need a thousand seconds with you, or maybe just one single, infinite moment. that's how long would it take to explore your bordering lines, every wonder that is your mouth, your lips. how long till i hear that last whisper, the one that stops my breath. i'm always waiting. always wanting for one more word. just one more. is there enough time in this world at all? for me to know, every way you make me smile, every curve of your embrace, every way you touch my heart... enough time to discover every way there is to say, I love you. ===== "What is Desire? Desire is... complicated. One person always wants the other person more." -VS __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Get Yahoo! Mail – Free email you can access from anywhere! http://mail.yahoo.com/ ------------------------------ End of eda-thoughts-digest V3 #260 **********************************