From: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org (eda-thoughts-digest) To: eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Subject: eda-thoughts-digest V3 #243 Reply-To: eda-thoughts@smoe.org Sender: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Errors-To: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Precedence: bulk eda-thoughts-digest Friday, June 23 2000 Volume 03 : Number 243 * If you ever wish to unsubscribe, send an email to * eda-thoughts-digest-request@smoe.org with ONLY * the word unsubscribe in the body of the email * . * PLEASE :) when you reply to this digest to send a post TO the list, * change the subject to reflect what your post is about. A subject * of Re: eda-thoughts-digest V3 #xxx or the like gives readers no clue * as to what your message is about. Today's Subjects: ----------------- ET: pieces of me. [Katherine Alexandra ] ET: more more more [Katherine Alexandra ] ET: yuck [shell ] ET: ~girltalk~ [shivergirl ] ET: ~rain-drenched hair~ [shivergirl ] ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 22 Jun 2000 10:06:13 -0700 (PDT) From: Katherine Alexandra Subject: ET: pieces of me. THE LIES IN THE UNIVERSITY WALLS i want to be swallowed into the depths of this university system. and they say that higher learning will teach you a lot. thoughtful people with no thoughts. here i am, a pathetic excuse of a student. i shouldn't even be around these kids that raise their hands so fast in class. the pretty ones that spend their time calculating their gpa's and here i am standing in a hole, digging myself deep. let me get out on a limb here and say how i really feel. how i gave my everything to a course that in return offered me nothing. and she says, after bruising my ego, that i was a good student. after all these years i come back with the same belief, it's never gonna be right for me. i wish the earth could open me up, take me away, i want to birth myself in a new person and find refuge through life instead of these marks that weigh me down into nothing. 83 regrets she has 83 regrets. one taught her how to sing, another took her out to dinner, she can barely remember their names, but their faces ring clear. she forgot about 5 of them, until traces appeared on her body. 83 regrets and she keeps them going. she says that she is going to change, while she wears that tube top. that she is going to become a better person, while she walks into that bar. she says that she is sick of filling this void, while she allows him in. she says that she deserves something better, then searching for what her daddy didn't give her. and he asks me, how would i be if i had 83 regrets while i stand there, judging the red hair of flame, whispering whore with the rest of the girls that look like virgins. have i never allowed a man inside of me? have i never wanted to say the words stop, but they couldn't leave my mouth? have i never felt a control over his erection? but i learned after the third that you can't find what you are looking for in those hot summer nights. diary entry #33 sometimes i wonder if i made the right move, from there to here. sometimes i get up and stare out at the mountains and wish to see a palm tree scattered. sometimes i search for ugly, in all of this beauty, wanting a reminder of what i called home. sometimes i just want to be able to sit down, with a cup of coffee, talk to the hicks about orange groves, and allow myself to be. sometimes i notice the distance, the mountains, vallies, rivers and spaces from me and your tender arms. sometimes i miss sitting at the kitchen table, staring at a woman with my own eyes. i miss feeling safe. but sometimes i realize how happy i am to be so far from the common. to be so seperated from what held me down. to have taken control. and here i am trying my hardest to be this progressive female, wanting so badly to have what my mother never could, and i am left empty. i want to slow down this process of turning old, i want to retreat back to backyard BBQ's. sometimes though, i am happy. I TAKE BACK MY PROMISES you called. upset. angry at who i have become. a product of the system that's what you say because i'm searching for help. you called angry with mountains and oceans in between us. you felt far. you reminded me of that letter of that talk of that promise about this little girl a hippie with my smile and your eyes name adia. this little child. you reminded me of the family we wrapped up into a fantasy because we so wanted to be different from our parents. and you reminded me of how i never gave you adia when i ran off with that canadian and how i never wrote back. i asked about friendship. thats not good enough. i can never promise you adia or that trip to the ski lodge i can never promise you a life together and that makes me the bad one here. __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Send instant messages with Yahoo! Messenger. http://im.yahoo.com/ ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 22 Jun 2000 10:19:22 -0700 (PDT) From: Katherine Alexandra Subject: ET: more more more *recently i was at a bar and met this man, wonderful man. an older man that liked to talk about stories of his first country being torn apart. there was an article in the newspaper recently about these mexicans asking, in spanish, about their employment benefits (they are migrant workers), no one there spoke any spanish, so these americans laughed away at these 2 men trying to communicate in very broken english. the editorials had people writing, on in particular, about how their grandparents made it here from finland and speak english, so why couldn't they? everyone missed the boat on this one. they never stopped to consider how difficult it was for their grandparents at first. A CONVERSATION someone, a foreigner, once asked me, WHERE DID AMERICA GO WRONG. i said, at first, from the start. from the slaughtering of the natives from the slavery from the ghosts of our past. but this man, a foreigner, laughed his view of the world is different then my suburban white one it wasn't from that he said. we talked over wine and beer the sort of talk that leaves you hungry for more. we went wrong in the promises in the expectations and in the lose of family. we went wrong when we started dividing as two where beliefs turn into political ideologies and no one knows the difference between a liberal and conservative anymore. with our small minds we create 2 groups and hope that you fit neatly into one of them. where anger comes at each other for what the grandparents did (or didn't do) and girls forget about the bras that were burning so they could be people. this man, from south america, he told me that we stopped the storytelling. mexicans coming cross the boards angry anglo americans wondering why they can't speak our complicated english. they say that their grandparents, from finland, assimlated right in. the south american asked me, where did the storytelling go? and i ask you, where did the stories go? the stories of that finnish man that was shunned for his lack of english and now his grandson looks down on those that can't pronounce our sounds. i sat with that man, over beer and wine he calls ameirca home now he's isn't a foreigner. __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Send instant messages with Yahoo! Messenger. http://im.yahoo.com/ ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 22 Jun 2000 11:56:10 -0700 (PDT) From: shell Subject: ET: yuck Why is it that no matter what I try, my mind wanders around to every topic under the sun, but when it's done being normal, has to stop? and where does it stop? you. How convenient. and I'm left crying and miserable... and feeling horrid about it because as much as it hurts, I'm not willing to do anything to change it, but I'm very willing to let it get at me. It was supposed to be you and I together for the rest of our lives, in the Victorian house off State Street in Detroit, with flowers in the yard, and 2 beautiful children who were going to be so much better than us it wouldn't even be funny. Because you loved me and Lord knows I loved you, and if nobody else like or understood it, that was okay, because we had each other and dammit that was all the fuck we needed! Now look what you've done! It's gone now! It used to be this beautiful butterfly, and now we've got... ah yes, look, how wonderful is this? we've got ashes! Damn you! This would be a lot better if you were the only one regretting it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Feel free to comment Court Bug _______________________________________________________ Get 100% FREE Internet Access powered by Excite Visit http://freelane.excite.com/freeisp ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 22 Jun 2000 19:02:17 -0400 From: shivergirl Subject: ET: ~girltalk~ i don't shave my thighs that's right the fact that you noticed means kudos go to you i can't say that you're blind at least in that way anyway but just because i'm not a complete shave-slave doesn't mean i'm what you said lazy cept for the fact that i do it at all to my way of thinking that's what clinches it for me: crazy + she asks me do i look pretty do my boobies seem sufficiently squeezed do i appear sexy enough without coming across as a total tease she asks me genuinely, worriedly as we pass testosterone leers eyeballs dropped in cleavage confidence found in beers and i'm daring anyone to look past my neck north of the canadian girls just wanna party t-shirt i'm deliberately and ironically wearing tonight + amy's augmentation breast enhancement how does she stand it when her sacks are implanted with plastic does it feel like balloons being blown up does the helium go to your brain is that how it's explained that your life is now perfect because you're no longer an A but a triple X double D physical monstrosity where men stop and stare when all they see is something you never had originally worth measured externally does it make you feel good inside to fake everyone physically to claim newfound self-assurance away from the personality realm or even intellectually in a desperate sad attempt to reject a part of you too small it became too big for you to vent in therapy so now you've got increased distance between your mind and your chest reveling in youthful plastic prettiness sand and water filling up a vast emptiness that no matter what will always overflow the tiniest bra in the aesthetic universe + ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 22 Jun 2000 19:02:01 -0400 From: shivergirl Subject: ET: ~rain-drenched hair~ ~shiva + when you dumped me i had already spilled the beans and ripped the seams of your trust trying to cut up the fabric of non-existent magic before you could and i did even though i loved you like a rejected puppy with sad eyes trapped behind the window of love's forgotten showcase i was always bad enough at the beginning which was good but it ended up wearing thin by the end when you suddenly turned all healthy on me just in time for our electronic ending when you dumped me and i was the real-time silence between songs that i let you compose the order and sound minus structure of the final time we spun love round + watching you walk into another girl with a straight bob same colour hair but no curls i became someone you still care about while she became your entire world + blueberry pies and iced teas the obsessions that consumed you just slightly more than me i wonder what does it say about you when food replaces the outlet of a need filling your face with sugar instead of opening your heart to me + i gave up both my loves about six months apart one moved out of the insanity ward and the other was sick of fending off my hurt nevermind that there was no repeat left on the prescription but the girl with clean blood no traces of meds in her veins she had you swimming in there and it wasn't hard to make a decision in the end because there really was no contest between us just an empty bottle on a shelf now, like that co-dependent self along with half the songs you sent beautiful and ruthless in their prophecy in their intent lyrically and sonically foreshadowing our death + ------------------------------ End of eda-thoughts-digest V3 #243 **********************************