From: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org (eda-thoughts-digest) To: eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Subject: eda-thoughts-digest V3 #213 Reply-To: eda-thoughts@smoe.org Sender: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Errors-To: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Precedence: bulk eda-thoughts-digest Monday, May 29 2000 Volume 03 : Number 213 * If you ever wish to unsubscribe, send an email to * eda-thoughts-digest-request@smoe.org with ONLY * the word unsubscribe in the body of the email * . * PLEASE :) when you reply to this digest to send a post TO the list, * change the subject to reflect what your post is about. A subject * of Re: eda-thoughts-digest V3 #xxx or the like gives readers no clue * as to what your message is about. Today's Subjects: ----------------- ET: Re: eda-thoughts-digest V3 #212 [RedWoodenBeads@aol.com] ET: Life blows hard(venting)(long sorta) ["Seth D. Fulmer" Subject: ET: Life blows hard(venting)(long sorta) Hey everyone, Sorry about this but I need to get stuff out. God I hate...people, females, society..like I know none of you people are shrinks or priests or anything but like lately I just am so messed up. Last Monday I went to the counseling center at school because I was feeling very much like ending it(yes it's what you think and no it's not the first time but the first time in a while that I've seriously considered it). The lady receptionist was nice but she told me they didn't have anyone that could see me that day unless it was an emergency. Does it appear to be an emergency?!? I wasn't in any pain that was going to like kill me so it wasn't an emergency and I wouldn't go to the counseling center for an emergency, but rather either dial 911 or go to the emergency room at the hospital right away. But like that pissed me off in a way...I mean I guess people can't be there around the clock for the relatively infrequent spouts of insanity but it struck a nerve...like a torpedo hitting a sailing boat(ok, maybe not so bad). Anyhow like I set up an appointment for Wednesday and I came in and was feeling slightly better...I think because I suppressed everything. As soon as I started talking, my speech velocity quadrupled. I mean I thought Naomi talked fast(*just kidding*), but when I thought back later I was like "Seth you auctioneer!!" And after I was done for the most part she was reiterating it and I was like so surprised at how right she was and then we continued and well she seemed right but like ok...(sees screen blur for dream sequence sorta)...Ever since 9th grade I've had this recurring dream of this woman named Deana. I'm sure many of you know that from knowing me. She is truly a little goddess. She's always there to listen to me and comforts me and no matter how my day went my nights are great(Naomi and Courtney...quiet :Þ). Yadda yadda I'm sure you've heard this from me before. But like anyways...on May 14th I wake up and this girl Deanna emails me from this matchmaker service I have a profile under, saying she'd like to get to know me more or something to that effect. Now, for the past few weeks Deana has not been recurring at night to me and I've been missing her and the night before I had such a horrible night. Actually it was a great evening because I had more glasses of wine than my age(and I am legal) over the course of like 5 hours, but anyhow like this fit my delusion. I was thinking that Deanna(the girl in the email) was my dream come to reality. Now before you say it I'll say it for you..."Seth you're messed up in the head". I already know. So I'm telling the counselor about that and about parents stuff(which was what was bothering me so much Monday, not Deanna) and after a while she was trying to hurry me along and somehow sometime said to me how I appear to be superimposing the fantasy of Deana(the dream) over the person and it wasn't fair to the person and she was trying to make me see that. Now like I'm already spinning millions of thoughts in my head simultaneously so I'm very impressionable. Well, like I've been bugged because whenever I suggest to her to meet she sorta changes subject or something else happens and it "could" be just me but I wasn't gonna just assume that. I said to my friend Amanda about it and she was suggesting some things I could do and like ok..I have a headache now so my head is swimming a bit but like she suggested that I just ask her to be short and to the point. But like ok..Deanna and I were talking at the time and she said something about her one boyfriend really hurting her so she didn't want to have one. I was like "DOH!!!" I could really take a gun and shoot myself that moment. It's so amazing though because on the inside I feel horrible but when I look at the outside..what I'm showing, that's more pleasurable and I can deal with things. I asked her though about stuff and she explained she was just looking for a male friend that day and that she does want to meet me but is just wierd sometimes. Then she said the phrase I have heard said to male friends but not to myself ever...that I was like a brother. Someone drive me over a cliff please. The song in my head at the time was E-Type's "I wanna be with you" too which made it harder and she was asking me for advice about this coed fraternity she's starting up. I never understood why girls when cheated on or told bad stuff could say "Just get out of my face" because I would think they'd want to talk about it. Well I just want to say that now. On the inside I feel like that..On the outside I feel in resignation of the truth and to fate. Sorta if I look at logic it makes sense and if I look at emotion well I'm blind. To top it all off, like lately I've been under a low bank account balance and feeling it...working to make it up but like my dad emails me Saturday to say that my IRS Refund check came in. Now the one thing that I am irritated with and I told the counselor...I wish they'd call. When I was a freshman in college, my parents would call all the time and wonder why I wasn't there or call them or something...Now I get a weekly email with what's new and if I don't email by the middle of the week after that they email back asking what is wrong with my computer. Is the phone broken for them? F*ing A*! Anyhow, back down off my podium, I was like flipping out too because they won't deposit the check..You don't need endorsements to just deposit it but I need to be home and endorse my IRS check for them to deposit it so I gotta wait until next week when I'm home to sign the freakin' thing and get my money. And they're so freakin' delusional. In the car coming back last Sunday I blurted out that I've thought about killing myself 3 times in my past and they think it's just either a phase or that I would never do it. Ok, so I probably would never do it as I fear the amount of pain required but taking an overdose of a pain medication is not out of my bounds. I'm just afraid there that the doctors could reverse the effects. My sister took slashed wrists for my parents to realize it with her. They are such doubting Thomases and my dad said one day that people with psychological disorders are doing it to themselves...like if you're depressed you can make yourself happy, or if you're schizophrenic or have ADHD you can just qualm the halucinations/delusions or lower the energy in your body manually. I just want to cry so bad now and my head is killing me more and more. I should end this and get on with things. Talk to you all later. Sorry for overflowing your inbox. Seth D. Fulmer mailto:kaosking@voicenet.com ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 28 May 2000 22:49:21 GMT From: "~* cymbaline *~" Subject: Re: ET: Life blows hard(venting)(long sorta) As for depression, and suicidal thoughts, its good that you were trying to get help. It really is. I wish I had the strength to go somewhere for help all those times I felt like I was gonna end it. But rather, I cut myself MANY times, overdosed MANY times. That lady was a bitch to consider it not to be an emergency. Because Suicidal thoughts and intentions ARE emergencies, and should be handled right away. Any idiot should know that. If its not handled right away, then it might be too late an hour later. And as for your parents thats really inconsiderate of your dad to say yu can just snap out of it. Because you can't. I guess people who never were depressed or anything, will never understand the realness to it. Its not just a "mental" thing.... Its really there. Hope things get better, and they will get better. It just takes time. And if you ever feel like ending it, talk to someone. (preferablly someone who actually understands...) Peace, Kelly ________________________________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free E-mail from MSN Hotmail at http://www.hotmail.com ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 28 May 2000 17:26:15 -0700 (PDT) From: Katherine Alexandra Subject: ET: listen to me complain.... a diary entry. i want a potatoe salad and some BBQ chicken from the porch. where blue is lying, zak is running and jen, more likely then not, is screaming or crying. here i am though, sitting on the bluff with no one around in portland. i'm smoking. i'm not the smoking type, partly due to chronic asthma's and mother's paranoia of death and my own social hatred of the cigrette industry. but with all of that aside, i am a hypricite. i secretly want nicotine. when i need to punish my lungs, self. mabye this is part of the gen y thing. to be at an expensive university, far from home, more like a fucking boarding school, all alone whining about how things didn't end out right and how the cigrette prices are going up. i am a horrible person. there flowers around me, i have just picked, that someone planted for everyones enjoyment. and i have just picked them for my own selfish reasons. so my dorm room can feel a little bit more like home and a little less like a janitors closet. sometimes i wonder why i thought i could do all of this. this weekend has been filled with me trying to be a progressive female. and now i am tierd and lonely and wondering why i am even with him. because it always does go back to love. and i wondering, on this bluff, with a little bit of rain, why i am here with this man. this can't be love. because it if is then i am dissapointed, upset, let down, and confused. __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Kick off your party with Yahoo! Invites. http://invites.yahoo.com/ ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 28 May 2000 17:38:27 -0700 (PDT) From: Katherine Alexandra Subject: ET: here i go again.... just thought i would go on about the truth because i sort of stumbled upon a feeling that i didnt know very well due to my own shortsightedness. first of all, listen to your mothers. this is something that i keep learning, and seeing as being true. if you have a grandmother, she probably knows even more then your mother.sometimes i get so angry about those moments that i allowed to pass in my fingers due to some sort of bitter dispute, lack of time, or just wanting to be alone. i was horrible at being 16. everyone is horrible at being a teenager. i just think of those times we yelled, my mother and i, and now i regret them. because when you need the lady she's not gonna be there, she's only a phone call away and whatnot, and Sprint has a pretty good plan, but it's not easy. time zones complicate things. but what i would do for a mothers hug right now... this is what i stumbleled onto...somehow, i found happiness. not happiness from going to the fair, or happiness for laughing to your tummy hurts, or the sort of happiness you get after great sex or holding his/her hand. but the sort of happiness that can't be taken away. i found it, and it's here. see, we sit around spitting psuedo intellectual crap and forget to just live. somewhere along the lines of drinking too much coffee and going to too many protests, i lost happiness. or perhaps i lost it somewhere along the lines of starting elementary school, finding out whos cool and who's not and finding out how to compete. maybe we lose happiness because we simply dont want it. i got lost in the car the other day because everything is so beautiful here. i just start driving closer to the pacific or to the mountains and i end up in the wrong state or in a different town. i keep losing myself in beauty. i keep finding happiness around every corner. what's hard is trying to be progressive and strong when i really feel like holding/clinging onto someone, because i'm alone right now (we are all alone, and yet all together). so i went to the museum, i do that when i get down (notice, i am sad yet happy, it's this amazing mixture of things falling at the seams and everything coming together perfectly), anyhow,i went to the museum, and saw this monet painting. i wanted to cry, to share the moment, to share the beauty. for me, seeing art gains my faith in humanity. if we can create such beauty, if a human can actualy do that , then this is right . so i searched around with my eyes for someone to connect with me, for someone, for just one moment to glance at me and feel the intensity that i was. i didnt want to wallow in complete beauty alone. i wanted to share this human experiance and make it more alive. but i was alone. no one goes to the museum anymore on sunny days . just my thoughts, my ramble, my feelings. kat __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Kick off your party with Yahoo! Invites. http://invites.yahoo.com/ ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 28 May 2000 22:20:55 EDT From: Tudegirl08@aol.com Subject: ET: he left me for an ex-girl this a.m. Our love is Amend Days contain hours, skilled to feel like years and if I had a wish, I'd wish to go on a journey An adventure through tears Tears that would travel the depth of your mind and I wonder if I would see myself in there Can I be strong enough to manipulate time? To dissect the blood inside of your veins that bleeds, burns, and makes your heart drain What if I've ran out of strength from running away And I turn down that power by saying just break me and in the mean time build up your being and stray satisfy the hunger you feel because your distance, distances me If I could stomach this ride of being your mind Would I live or would I die Would I fade away or just fall behind I can't predict, will love survive? If I close my eyes and dream of your arms What you feel we had, my bones feel you drop But I see your conscience and it's there to remind To challenge this storm It's me that you crave, please don't deny My insides have twisted into a knot I breath in and I try to let go The loneliness of thought ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 28 May 2000 23:11:35 EDT From: Angeljlr98@aol.com Subject: ET: yadda yadda From Mike: <> You are a LIAR!!!! Jon, Sam, Kevin, and Doc all wrote me back =P Nanananabooboo. <> Yeah, but I still talk to him. I love him =) <> No, it's just like Doc says. She changes her email address too much. But she's alive and kicking. <> She still running this thing? LAAAAAAAARAAAAAAAAA! Where are you, my love???? <> DOC...is Doc. Shame on you for not knowing Doc-love. Dr. Romeantic. <> I figured as much. I still can't find a sound recorder cheap enough, Kev. =( From Sam: << JAMIE!!!!! >> Sam, you're so cute. It's so nice to read all your poetry again... We'll have to talk one day, I feel like it's been forever. From Doc: <> I wasn't even aware of your departure...but I guess that's cuz I wasn't here. How have you been, doc-love? I, um, live in New Orleans again, am going to school in the fall (I took a little time off ;-)), have a wonderful boyfriend BUT am still going to marry Jon, and um yeah, that's pretty much it. I like to get drunk =) <> Um, statiutory (spell?) rape-much? And hey, Jon, I remember that graduation feeling. And I don't talk to about 99% of those people now. Everything's gotta change. Congratulations, sweetie. I hope it was wondrous. You were supposed to send me grad pics and announcement, bitch. Yadda yadda, Jamie ~And you can use my sking to bury secrets in~ Fiona Apple ------------------------------ End of eda-thoughts-digest V3 #213 **********************************