From: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org (eda-thoughts-digest) To: eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Subject: eda-thoughts-digest V3 #201 Reply-To: eda-thoughts@smoe.org Sender: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Errors-To: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Precedence: bulk eda-thoughts-digest Wednesday, May 17 2000 Volume 03 : Number 201 * If you ever wish to unsubscribe, send an email to * eda-thoughts-digest-request@smoe.org with ONLY * the word unsubscribe in the body of the email * . * PLEASE :) when you reply to this digest to send a post TO the list, * change the subject to reflect what your post is about. A subject * of Re: eda-thoughts-digest V3 #xxx or the like gives readers no clue * as to what your message is about. Today's Subjects: ----------------- ET: Re: i hate everything [RedWoodenBeads@aol.com] ET: The Dream was much more fun(poem) ["Seth D. Fulmer" ] ET: A Dream so cool(poem) ["Seth D. Fulmer" ] ET: Sweet Twilight (poem) ["Claudia" ] ET: underwater in a wasteland [Mango Ara ] ET: my latest batch of poems [RJonthego@aol.com] ET: ramble [Katherine Alexandra ] ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 17 May 2000 00:48:16 EDT From: RedWoodenBeads@aol.com Subject: ET: Re: i hate everything In a message dated 5/16/00 9:02:47 PM Pacific Daylight Time, owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org writes: << Date: Tue, 16 May 2000 20:43:19 -0400 (EDT) From: courtney gordon Subject: ET: i hate everything Dear Angels, Well isn't my mom just the biggest freakin ball of sunshine I've ever met. And there is a scratch on my Creed cd Human Clay.... ugh I'm getting baptised in a couple weeks and I told my mom about it and all she did was make a face! I can just feel the love and good karma oozing out of this house... So my mother dearest won't go to my own freaking baptising, and my best friend serina can't, and my boyfriend Paul doesn't even know if he'll make it. Going to my baptising alone... this is nice. But one good thing happened. I got a letter saying I won first place in an Art Poster contest... $50 savings bond. And there is still a freaking *scratch* on my *creed* cd!!!! COurt >> What kind of baptising? no longer cradled in gravity's memory still in and spinning in spiral drifts of endlessness spinning in torment into the garden of light - -Pale Saints "A Thousand Stars Burst Open" http://www.chickpages.com/musicmania/joepages ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 17 May 2000 00:49:35 -0400 From: "Seth D. Fulmer" Subject: ET: The Dream was much more fun(poem) Hey there all...bet you wouldn't have thought you would see me for a while. I do have poetry...just not like I have the motivation to post it. Here's something I wrote today. For those of you who are clueless of my current situation, this is not about a real life girl, yet those of you clued in will know what I'm talking about I think. If you don't want my poetry, that's cool..just lemme know and I won't send you any. Also, comments, insults(if they're creative though! No stupid childish crap), questions, and sexual innuendos are welcome ;-) but not required. Take cares and Have a Great Day!! :o) -Seth ============================================================ The Dream was much more fun by Seth D. Fulmer 5-16-00 I am single, you are right Thank you much for noticing Do you wish to do something and change that state about me Sitting here in this movie theatre watching romantic comedies You are sitting alone as well Do you want to come sit aside me Walking home in the pouring rain because my car broke down I think of how you said "Hello" just when the movie was over After the kissing and before the credits When your boyfriend got sick and left Just leave me girl for it is through I'd rather be single than crying In the park, I sit by a tree and write myself a nice loveletter I put in it flowery lines and even enclose a red rose complete with the thorns and the anonymous sender The only thing it needed was you You sat by the same tree, right behind my back You didn't say a word, but laughed whenever I sighed That's how I knew you It's all you ever do One day you'll truly be heartbroken Then it'll be me laughing when you cry I do love you, you have no idea however not like one would fear You've been with me nightly for years Only instead of a dream now you're real Why did you have to come out The dream was much more fun I wondered just where you had gone last night I so missed you, I sang you a song Deana, I really miss you! you're a dream come true Your cheeks are full of roses and your personality's to die for You've been with me in dreams for years Every second of every night You rocked my world, and my heavens especially when I had nobody else ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 16 May 2000 23:23:30 -0700 From: Mango Ara Subject: ET: remembering me I do it because, I don't know why and I would like to see that smudge go away *only an ink stain now, it's not even real, *but I sitll am struck with fear *and try to hide it from you. memories of that pain, it's not so far gone. But I would like to do it again, yes, I think I should try again. Just one more, let the blade sink in, so I could feel that rush through my skin, a sickening sound is a razor on your flesh. It cuts a tiny line, but it tears so I wipe ripped skin away That knife which became my only friend, I thought it could make me breathe, again, could make me feel some sense of whole. But instead the sound was screaming, muted in my veins, the blade rested against me and then sank into my soul, it shattered my reality, it gave me my identity. I said I thought it always gave, till I realized what it took from me. More than bood, or the vanished tears dried on my throbbing arms. Each one cuts away, again, takes something it will never give back to me. My silence, paid for my secret pain, intensified by overwhelming shame that wrapped me in a sound of satisfaction, took me down, and I said - --I'm sorry - --I'm sorry through the endless aching I think I will be bleeding now, broken down, I've failed all now, and there's nothing left for me to break so I'm going down, in all the blood in which I drown whispering - --I'm sorry saying down, screaming - --I'm sorry, - --I'm sorry, voiceless in my deafened sound - -- "I guess I'm an underwater thing so I guess I can't take it personally I guess I'm an underwater thing I'm liquid running there's a sea secret in me it's plain to see it is rising but I must be flowing liquid diamonds calling for my soul at the corners of the world" -tori amos * * * girl goddess #5, diva-to-be ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 17 May 2000 08:44:08 -0400 From: "Seth D. Fulmer" Subject: ET: A Dream so cool(poem) Hey peoples, This is about a dream I had last night. I hope your lives are all splendid. If you don't want to receive my poems, just lemme know...also comments and the like are welcome but not required :) Take cares :o) -Seth "See your face every place that I'm walking...Hear your voice every time that I'm talking" -Garbage ================================================================ A Dream so cool by Seth D. Fulmer 5-17-00 That walk through the forest was way too cool for comfort Your hand so nested in mine and our eyes locked as one I really wanted to kiss you Did we ever really let go? I still feel your other hand playing with the back of my neck You left me once Deana, but now you're always there I'm starting to now wonder maybe the person I just met was just a dream needing help I knew you'd never really leave But the thought of it scared me All of hells tortures could come upon me It would never be so horrible I really love to be with you Every night is truly a treasure Let's do this walk more often It doesn't even have to be at night ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 17 May 2000 20:31:50 +0200 From: "Claudia" Subject: ET: Sweet Twilight (poem) Sweet Twilight The sky is darkening The air is fresh and light and the swallows in the twilight sing that summer is on its way. The evening is calm and limpid and the madness of the day lies heavy on my shoulders. My bones are tired and my muscles need rest so i lie down on my bed and i enjoy the peace of this sweet moment. I rest my dreamy head on a soft pillow and i pretend it's your chest. Dusk's wings surround me keeping me warm and i pretend they are your arms. Nature's lullaby whispers sweet words in my ear and i pretend it's your voice. The air feels like silk on my skin and i pretend it's your breath. This is my own private paradise. My mind is relieved and my soul finds peace. The day turns into night and reality turns into dream. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 17 May 2000 12:38:22 -0700 From: Mango Ara Subject: ET: underwater in a wasteland i couldn't do it with all the power in my hold, i could not make myself take it up you have made me forget how, you have trapped me up, you have sealed me free so instead i cut up images of me and i know you couldn't really love me, i know you wouldn't really love me if you could stand and watch who i am well you couldn't stand to watch who i am i could stand and cry because i let you see me, and i would cut my pain to live in solace, i can't find an equal expression that cuts images i hate of me but you have stalled my fingers, you have made me drop my freedom and it rushes down on me like rain your hands have reached up out of me and strangled my words in my throat you have made me forget how, forget how to fragment shattered images of me what would you do if you saw me crying glass tears like broken bottles sea-blue chrome-red and a yellow-glittered sunspot tears that cut like razors do, glass falling from my eyes oceans i cannot stop fall onto my skin, engraving in all that would not stay and you would at last see me, not for that me but this me, in a torrent of rain in a hurricane jagged cut up unwound and would you be dumbfounded to see that in the end i was always failing and trying to destroy all those images of me ~~ you can't let go of it you can't see it you can't run through it you can't live without it each time you move, it's yellowing your senses so you hold yourself to the flame watch your skin melt like wax upon the flesh of a candle, that holds your face your eyes staring at you while you drip watching you run liquid everywhere you walk every time you speak every note you play every word you write you're running into an unformed cast hiding is inevitable but you falter insunshine harsh against your footsteps traversing and you cannot change it you cannot change it you cannot change it youwouldnotwanttorunaway youwouldnotwanttorunaway the jelly mold you're encased in all by yourself forever ~~ They said to write about my fears. My fears? My fears are all of who or what I am, really. That I will fail my own life, eventually, and I will be solitary forever, because solitude is inevitable. They say you make of this moment what you will, and sadness is a choice. I just cannot shake the feeling that all I ever really am is ultimately alone. So, then, what do razors or kisses or perceptions or images of people's ideals, or the party, the pleasure, the temporary experience, matter in what will become your own wasteland? I am only creating my own personal desert. When it's through, I wonder, will each person look around and then, only, will they see, will they know...the trash left over, papers and empty bags blowing ungrounded in a mental wind, an expanse so endless that the sky ends before it does...a desert, neverending, the horizon lowering to reveal another horizon. And so wherever I will go on this desert, I'm only there. Whether I walk or stay, it won't make a difference. Acceptance, in total solitude. In being the only figure, in a place so large you know you are really small and all alone, forever. ~~ ~ara - --- "I guess I'm an underwater thing so I guess I can't take it personally I guess I'm an underwater thing I'm liquid running there's a sea secret in me it's plain to see it is rising but I must be flowing liquid diamonds calling for my soul at the corners of the world" -tori amos * * * girl goddess #5, diva-to-be ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 17 May 2000 16:55:51 EDT From: RJonthego@aol.com Subject: ET: my latest batch of poems You were so strong you knocked me over with a feather But I'm tired of writing poems about how hard I fell how fast I fell, How I never stopped falling After I fell for you. I'm tired of this long descent this slow downward spiral like a feather wafting in indecision Till I'm strong enough to fly then I'll be the one to knock you over. ! I watched you learn the lesson of generosity and I smiled as you exclaimed over your new found philosophies. I smiled for you at every turning point, at every excited phone call, at every new realization it was your energy that made me grin. She thought you were horrible, but you didn't tell her your new ideas. I can still smile you know. For my own excitement my new ideas it's your turn to be the one who's simply proud. ! I never knew, before, that this feeling of ember-eyes and fire-breathing is a universal wanting; that I am one of many or at least two who can sit by the fire and never see the other (except sometimes I send up signals of) smoke and they waft away unseen and invisible hot air that infuriates me, while the red heat of shame crawls out through my lips pressed tight together in the effort of holding back the swamping urge to hold a flame that i have had since birth underlying every move every struggling action of logos yet somehow it is quelling, submerging, so i sit and only stare at the fire, never through the fire my eyes will be a wall of flame, I will burn you before you have a chance to draw near. ! So this fire passion (I made a startling discovery) is a matter of control consuming (match the metaphor) like flames But i will not lie dead on your funeral bier, I do not plan to burn, but hold the box of matches the only one with breath to blow them out. ! somehow this sunburn is a reminder that smarts like the memory. but the tan will be worth it, (though i'll die at age 30) at the waste of all those hours you spent playing my protecter. you squeezed my shoulders feathers up and down my arms and i squeezed my eyes shut trying to block out the shine of your blond bleached hair. as i tried not to remember how easy it is to sink lay back in your lap willing the sun to burn. ! when i am searching for a color to change to like a mood ring you flash tyedye onto the white expanse of my computer screen and tell me to wear sunscreen that i can avoid feeling burnt or worse, charred, stung, smarting that this slippery slope is one of those dreams i can control so i'll slide without a wince enjoying the sunshine without getting fried. ! When i could splash you, w/out it being in the form of revenge, i came close to falling overboard again you shook the foundations of the boat; the house you built and furnished with theories and personalities. you rock the ocean while i hang onto the side as one by one they come and go i wish i was brave enough to keep my eyes open through these exchanges. no where to run, only my face to hide talking into the wind, selecting what you hear. restraining myself from the depths of sinking keeping my head up in the shallow end. sunburnt through water, but i haven't been grounded yet. ! We are the animals imitating animals with our dog collars and leopard print bracelets ducks and sharks in every song and joke swimming with dolphins as we invade each others spaces like the moths with a distracting pair of eyes wings that will fly away if you try to tag them down. You are the bullfrog with the wildest colors - You are the leopard boy peering through eyeholes of your last conquest's skulls You are the animal imitating animal monkey see, monkey do and Polly wants another cracker. ! Alone; bright we walk straight and hold our heads up high together; again the world dims into shades of purple (flowers with mangled stems) alone, alone alone we walk as silently as stone No breath for words or silence either. Bright; alone after again; together recuperates searching for the why's in a hug and ever-always elusive goodbye's. ! remembering dark angels and how we could only see their wings at first till one sprouted legs and ran fast on newness and distances far away, called like the hum of a dark angel's wings or eyes that sparked only in the night turning again to distance of the moutains when they shone like blinding mornings but still, remembering the wings and can we fly f (ly)(f) l (y)(fl) y on those dark wings no and then the stomach hardens you bruise me i you bruise you too folded wings arms that strike and struggle bend in unwilling submission eyes that dangerous laugh reaching hands behind backs clipping wings challenges to fly f ll yyy? no remembering dark angels burning brightly we walk on they stay the same fly? fff flyly lie... ~~~ there ya have it, roya ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 17 May 2000 13:13:19 -0700 (PDT) From: Katherine Alexandra Subject: ET: ramble BLOWING OUT THE NONEXISTANT CANDLES give me some minutes for some self-pitty please. i am wrapped up in emotion with no one around to share my pain. birthday candles forgotten, letters never sent, and now i see how incredibly alone i am. here. here in this city of large buildings and angry people. hidden by the white men with dreadlocks, the saturday art market,the bookstores with aisles of thoughts waiting for to discover. but not even mount hood can stop this emptiness deep inside of me. i want to swim in the pacific and find my way back to the atlantic. . in this confusion of a hallmark holiday forgotten , my own mother, the day i left her womb, is now somehow forgotten. she found time to tell me about the new flowers planted by the pool, yet it slipped her mind that i was alone. and now i just want to blow out 20 candles and wish for him to be here. for him to wrap his strong arms around me, kiss me on my cheek, for him to somehow show that i am important in his life. yet 6 hours is too long, too long for any girl to ask. and i am sitting here alone in this university searching for some sign of humanity. alone on my 20th birthday. <& i asked for all this misery> __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? 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