From: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org (eda-thoughts-digest) To: eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Subject: eda-thoughts-digest V3 #104 Reply-To: eda-thoughts@smoe.org Sender: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Errors-To: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Precedence: bulk eda-thoughts-digest Tuesday, March 28 2000 Volume 03 : Number 104 * If you ever wish to unsubscribe, send an email to * eda-thoughts-digest-request@smoe.org with ONLY * the word unsubscribe in the body of the email * . * PLEASE :) when you reply to this digest to send a post TO the list, * change the subject to reflect what your post is about. A subject * of Re: eda-thoughts-digest V3 #xxx or the like gives readers no clue * as to what your message is about. Today's Subjects: ----------------- ET: some from me! [The Phoenix Princessa ] ET: oops [The Phoenix Princessa ] ET: what comes [kara garbe ] ET: ~changelessness~ [shivergirl ] ET: the curious little kitten (haha) [Naomi Vaughn ] ET: hmmm... [BRONCOBAND@aol.com] ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 27 Mar 2000 00:36:54 -0800 From: The Phoenix Princessa Subject: ET: some from me! she'd like to not cringe when she feels the metal entering her skin. she'd like to not care she wants it to be easier the blade to go deeper to sit amidst blankets and not feel a thing only see lines of red blurring together i imagine that if i would be the one then i'd be happy pretending i could fill a void with someone else there to share it imagining that they would help me want to live dreaming that everything would disappear daring to think that i wouldn't be merely ignoring the presence of pain knowing that they're all lies and look down to see her hands smeared with blood she wishes it could be easier that she wouldn't care so much that she could just make the pain turn to vapors and drip out of her as easily as breath that she wouldn't even think about it again - --- i imagine that if i would be the one then i'd be happy pretending i could fill a void with someone else there to share it imagining that they would help me want to live dreaming that everything would disappear daring to think that i wouldn't be merely ignoring the presence of pain knowing that they're all lies - --- ode to the aching she had orange glitter on her eyelids, but she's forgotten about that now. she thinks she hasn't worn any since a long time ago, except for being sparkled in blue once in awhile. and now her hands go into spasms as the wax spills onto her arm and smoke and roses fill the flickering air and a sharp sting rushes through her numbs her tears fall a canopy a wall she burns through her mind presses an iron against her heart leaks a flame onto her skin thinking it will give her comfort in her own punishing for the lack of something so that each sting will cry and scream "you see? you deserve it, bitch." - --- why do i think that i want to lose this number to gain a sense of self? and i would lose them all except this idea i have in my mind of what's beautiful. that i want to feel slender but i don't want smaller breasts to pay the price. people say i am perfect and i don't know why. cause i feel so out of place in my skin and if it weren't for a silly bra size i would lose till i weighed nothing and then i could disappear into the sky and no worries and nothing to hide anymore - --- i know it sounds wrong for me to complain, so i'll try not to do it again but if you should burn again tonght you should know that it's not alright and if i cut another line there will be another time and if he tries to break your heart i'll cut his legs, that's just the start and if my guy should lie to me maybe then i'd begin to see that not everything will end okay but we can see another day - -- i want to be a skinny girl again so i can feel my ribs when i touch my sides. skinny so that i'm the lightest of all the girls i know and feel like i could just float away skinny so when they proclaim it in astonishment or shock i can smile to myself and know that it is true i wish i was one of those thin girls again whose thinness makes them feel tall even if they're small who can still wear the big sizes of kid's clothes who shop for size zero or two in junior's and slip through the air at ease in their skin i wish i was that thin again i wish i was slender like a pixie a dancer who is smooth whose muscles are toned to perfection you feel pretty in that body you find beauty in smallness and you sometimes wish you had bigger breasts, but their size is big compared to your waist tiny, like a pixie bones that you think would break but they're just small or thin "she's built that way," they'd say no need to go hungry on certain days i wish i was thin like them so girlish as women but i'm not allowed to complain, because if you aren't 20 pounds over, you're still called average, so instead i'm left feeling too short or too round and what some people call beautiful i think is a lot of crap, because i'd much rather be feeling like i could blow away at the next gust, airy and see-through long and thin and lovely and with that i'd be happy too, i wish i was thin and happy again - -- she's been everybody else's girl maybe one day she'll be her own - -tori amos ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 27 Mar 2000 00:37:59 -0800 From: The Phoenix Princessa Subject: ET: oops this one got messed up so here it is again: she'd like to not cringe when she feels the metal entering her skin. she'd like to not care she wants it to be easier the blade to go deeper to sit amidst blankets and not feel a thing only see lines of red blurring together and look down to see her hands smeared with blood she wishes it could be easier that she wouldn't care so much that she could just make the pain turn to vapors and drip out of her as easily as breath that she wouldn't even think about it again - -- she's been everybody else's girl maybe one day she'll be her own - -tori amos ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 27 Mar 2000 09:34:06 -0500 (Eastern Standard Time) From: kara garbe Subject: ET: what comes What Comes These are the things I do not tell you. How I imagine you wanting me, offering me all the nights of your lifetime, the ones you say will be cut short because you cannot bear the feel of forever. I press teeth to your naked shoulder, biting into bone and tendon until you pull away. My tongue gives rise to apologies for the pain I cause you, the pain I can not keep myself from offering: this, in place of the demands lying heavily in my mouth, promises unasked and ungiven. You say you cannot bear the taste of forever, the years of helplessness and hopelessness and people who see no further than the doors and walls they lock against a world they kill. I do not tell you how I want to take it all away, to press you to my breast and let you - force you to - lose yourself in me, in forgetfulness of all others. More than a sanctuary, I want to be your compulsion, a need you cannot refuse. I love you and I hate you. But this you know already, through the days of closeness and nights of silence, the way my body gathers itself into the corner of your bed, crushed to the wall, forehead pressed against cool white paint as I beg my limbs to set down this weight. You strip me away and offer words I do not hear, ears too full of my own silence, your open palms full of my flesh. I wish this were enough for us both, but I know you still dread the days stretched out before you. These handfuls of flesh keep me locked within my own torn mind: I love you and I hate you. But this you know already; this is for me to do: bite deeply into bone, search for the taste of truth sleeping beneath fear and love and revulsion and all the other things that come to me in darkness, the things I do not tell you. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 27 Mar 2000 13:13:36 -0500 From: shivergirl Subject: ET: ~changelessness~ + can you feel my feelers inside the semi-suspended animation of a wonderfully-weird made-up nation of claws scratching paper amid small, sad gestures i stubbornly continue to pester your thoughts; still a mess as i move across the synapses, getting on your nerves + net-savvy, why won't you have me the noodle version i aspired to be american dreams tinged with invisibility the black and blue of finality + the preconditions i have witnessed the set of trappings overlapping between my name and her symbol you express disappointment and regret, but this is not all that is left from yesterday's decision (in her infinite wisdom) there will be no more re-introductions, retaining the insignia of post-breakup badges left teetering on ledges + am i totally misrepresenting your decision am i completely missing the required respect to comprehend your position i don't care, because this is my personal tradition and no independent, insecure commission (made up of one) can make me see the difference + i would seriously recommend reform, but that's assuming your particular brand of psychosis is part of the norm, and i just can't seem to think up ten reasons why you were even born, nevermind describe why all my reasons and regret never seemed to equal an honest-to-goodness try in the end + it was an unwise decision that i'm living out every day a result of a lack of frisson and i guess i am no longer calling out warning you to ignore my anti-relationship elements seeking to permanently marker the over-inflated score + split like a seam seamless as a dream inside a dream i seem to rise like steam whenever your memory wanders carelessly into my vicninity + put down the constraints and see if you can manage to taint his fondness this closeness that simply exists between us and just because our pre-determined miss led to your eventual, everlasting bliss, it doesn't mean we're over-- forever-- and that you've finally got your second-hand first-impression wish + move on irrespective of all the lessons and lesions i've achieved in this world a honey-girl nerd with a fondness for killer bees, and a crush on the mute written word + our executive cannot be re-established, because my empathy died in the moment when i learned you never really tried; that you just lied believingly + arms upfront no, i prefer to bear the brunt of sly, hiding artillery implodng slowly and you cannot see it comforts me when i believe all your weapons and demons are finally on the table + disperse these words it couldn't get any worse than living inside your hearse ordering another faerie-curse concentrating on the lovely decay of all your fingers and toes, the death of dependence i've been dying to know since our fourth-of-july firecracker birth + ------------------------------ Date: 27 Mar 00 09:13:53 CST From: Naomi Vaughn Subject: ET: the curious little kitten (haha) i've been blessed w/ the ability to cry invisible tears... undetectable by mortal eyes -- lucky me. - -- what would it have changed if i had said what was on my tongue instead of simply allowing the moment to pass me by? nothing. i'd still be here wondering what i could've done to make you stay. - -- I survive this on the hope-belief that one of these days there won't be a thing to be said between you that can draw even a sigh, let alone the retched sobs that assault me now. - -- let's pretend for a moment that cinderella never made it to her castle -- how do you feel about your romance, now that happily-ever-after never was? - -- whisper, whisper : if you say it quietly, maybe my heart won't hear -- "I love you," "I miss you," "Good bye." - -- I'll smile through the pain and laugh my way through each sigh if that'll make it easier for you to hear these things I never say. "And when somebody knows you well / well there's no comfort like that / and when somebody needs you / well there's no drug like that" ~Heather Nova ____________________________________________________________________ Get your own FREE, personal Netscape WebMail account today at http://webmail.netscape.com. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 27 Mar 2000 21:21:33 -0500 From: shivergirl Subject: ET: ~rehauling~ + amortize me/before i go off/and hand out some verbal provisions/cuz my meat is really tough/to chew/when the expiration date/means i've said i'm sorry/way too late/and extinction/is just a carnivore's breath/away ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 27 Mar 2000 22:23:57 EST From: BRONCOBAND@aol.com Subject: ET: hmmm... For some reason, sometimes I like to be boring...less risky, less unpredictable, a comfortable conformity...it's a shame. Just a thought. Laura ------------------------------ End of eda-thoughts-digest V3 #104 **********************************