From: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org (eda-thoughts-digest) To: eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Subject: eda-thoughts-digest V3 #77 Reply-To: eda-thoughts@smoe.org Sender: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Errors-To: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Precedence: bulk eda-thoughts-digest Sunday, March 5 2000 Volume 03 : Number 077 * If you ever wish to unsubscribe, send an email to * eda-thoughts-digest-request@smoe.org with ONLY * the word unsubscribe in the body of the email * . * PLEASE :) when you reply to this digest to send a post TO the list, * change the subject to reflect what your post is about. A subject * of Re: eda-thoughts-digest V3 #xxx or the like gives readers no clue * as to what your message is about. Today's Subjects: ----------------- ET: ~~a night of hurting~~ [RJonthego@aol.com] ET: feeling not-so-wonderful [RJonthego@aol.com] ET: .amaranth. [kara garbe ] ET: .caesarian. [kara garbe ] ET: Re: let's hear osme good music [RedWoodenBeads@aol.com] ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 4 Mar 2000 01:35:43 EST From: RJonthego@aol.com Subject: ET: ~~a night of hurting~~ ~~a night of hurting~~ I have perfected the art of crying without a sound. But it backfires when you are on the phone and don't realize how much what you're saying hurts I want this poison to overflow to drain from my body and I will be so light so light without it. This is the reason My wings have never carried me and lifted me above the streets filled with scars and acid. Was it just time? Some schedule you are forced to keep? Oh, she's been happy for far too long. Time to sick her in the stomach/leave her gasping for air so she doesn't get too secure. We couldn't have that now, could we. In a flash I just remembered why I loved you and laughed with you and kissed you and talked to you and listened to you and joked with you and smiled with you and sat with you. In a flash I remembered every thing about you. A flash too long to make you remember. dying phones are an awful thing. Forcing you into a habit I'm not sure you especially like. "I love you too" had a far-away sound But it could have been the phone. I'm not sure. That's why dying phones are an awful thing. - -special meaning- the spaces after the jokes you used to laugh at just because you loved me were silent and scary. As large as the pit in my stomach. I cried at your jokes because I loved you. It's not my fault... If I could stop breathing I would. No one has asked me to smile yet. Good, beacuse I don't remember how, exactly. Breathing, something I have always taken for granted Isn't quite as easy as it used to be. Ow, I smiled. And my face (and heart) cracked and crumbled and fell and stuck to the bottom of your shoe but you didn't notice. I could hate myself because you were there to love me for me. I better learn to love myself real soon. Is that what you were trying to tell me? - --- roya "give me life, give me pain, give me myself again" tori ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 Mar 2000 02:05:12 EST From: RJonthego@aol.com Subject: ET: feeling not-so-wonderful I want this poison to overflow to drain from my body and I will be so light so light without it. This is the reason My wings have never carried me and lifted me above the streets filled with scars and acid. ! I wanted to hut you Because you have the potential to ruin her. BUt she sounded so dreamy and your voice was so deep (I can't concentrate talking to a deep voice) I was the one who was unwell. Not the strong one anymore. You changed from the tear-inducer to the soft, deep, warm-arms lover. And I am at a bit of a loss. ~ I think this really will fill me until it all explodes my anger and my hate and my loathing and not being able to fit into the wings or hooker dress and I will take your picture or stay in humiliated silence in the dressing room where you will fall out laughing and glowing and watch the black star tatoo pulse as potential holding-arms because that's what everyone is a holder or not but I cannot hold you anymore you hid from the flash and escaped the dressing room where I will not follow. ! If you're going to be self-damaging At least do some damage Instead of my little nausea That everyone has at some point or another. But this won't go away Persistant self-hating with no proof of damaged goods. ! Pretty soon my eyes will disolve into a small pool in the back of my head that will fizz and bubble just a little before the lines on this paper quietly disapear and I will be able to hear nothing but a buzz, there, it's starting already.................. ! royaboya "every finger in the room is pointing at me, I wanna spit in their faces then i get afraid of what that could bring" ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 Mar 2000 09:01:17 -0500 (Eastern Standard Time) From: kara garbe Subject: ET: .amaranth. this is the first thing i've written in a long time that i'm actually excited about. feedback really, really appreciated. ~k .amaranth. I wanted you. Your dark hands against my skin should have reached through to more. A caterpillar spins its cocoon beneath my flesh, but I push it down hard inside. Dark hands don't reach that low in me. I wanted you to charm it out, summoning the butterfly like a snake. But your touch only left black smudges on skin, ashes after a fire, painting a cross across my chest. A dotted line for the surgeon to cut, to follow with precise surgeon hands, clean white gloved hands. Leaving no mark on flesh but the one I see every day, naked, when I lay myself out on the table. Like the amaranth flower I will never wilt. The butterfly cannot die immortalized in its cocoon, an ocean away from your ungloved hands, preparing me for the incision, then retreating from my body, leaving me on the table, naked. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 Mar 2000 09:46:29 -0500 (Eastern Standard Time) From: kara garbe Subject: ET: .caesarian. .caesarian. Oprah says I am traumatized for life having been ripped from the womb a month too soon, closed up in an incubator like the baby chickens who hatched in the back of my second grade classroom. I need to be reborn! Because, as we all know, true healing can only occur inside the blue screens of four million viewers. She promises me a second chance to wriggle and push my way, crying, out of the womb which she will recreate by sandwiching me between two mattresses and having an overweight white trash woman sit on top of it all, grunting and sweating as I writhe beneath her. This seems like a healthy healing process - where do I sign up? And will the mattresses be queen or king sized? No doing things halfway this time; I want to go all out pushing my way out of this thick membrane like I never have before. ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 4 Mar 2000 23:36:38 EST From: RedWoodenBeads@aol.com Subject: ET: Re: let's hear osme good music You know what? I know alot about really good music, and I decided I should probably give you all suggestions on some really brilliant ear candy. Ok, for this week I want to tell you all about The Arrogants. They are the most brilliant melancholic rock band since The Sundays. They just released their debut EP record, YOUR SIMPLE BEAUTY. They are so good it scared me when I first heard them. You can get their CD for 7 bucks from their website. http://www.chickpages.com/musicmania/arrogants http://www.arrogants.com Joe your mother recognizes all your desperate displays and she watches all her babies drift violently away http://www.chickpages. com/musicmania/joepages ------------------------------ End of eda-thoughts-digest V3 #77 *********************************