From: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org (eda-thoughts-digest) To: eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Subject: eda-thoughts-digest V3 #51 Reply-To: eda-thoughts@smoe.org Sender: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Errors-To: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Precedence: bulk eda-thoughts-digest Thursday, February 10 2000 Volume 03 : Number 051 * If you ever wish to unsubscribe, send an email to * eda-thoughts-digest-request@smoe.org with ONLY * the word unsubscribe in the body of the email * . * PLEASE :) when you reply to this digest to send a post TO the list, * change the subject to reflect what your post is about. A subject * of Re: eda-thoughts-digest V3 #xxx or the like gives readers no clue * as to what your message is about. Today's Subjects: ----------------- ET: Kind of long, ramblish... scary... [RJonthego@aol.com] ET: unedited ["The Phoenix Princessa" ] ET: the california poems [kara garbe ] ET: ecstatically alone on v-day [kara garbe ] ET: smile at me & i'll smile back :) ["marty" ] ET: Choices(poem) ["Seth D. Fulmer" ] Re: ET: valentines day ["Chris Sylvester" ] ET: ~fastforwarding to the present~ [shivergirl ] ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 01:10:15 EST From: RJonthego@aol.com Subject: ET: Kind of long, ramblish... scary... i write :) but i'm not smiling. i type in words that i would never say outloud my fingers pause over the keyboard deliberating my next sort-of lie before i say it. it's so much easier to decieve, when i don't have to worry about my expression but i don't know what's happening on your side of the computer screen whether you're smiling and laughing or really just pretending if you're busy doing something else and i'm just an occasional sound from the speakers and it's hard to decide to be distant or ecstatic because i don't know what my reception will be like and i know it's petty but i can't give more than you are because that would mean i'm throwing myself at you, and i can't have that even if i am. there's so many things, i just can't acknowledge the loneliness, the fear, the insecurity they say is just over-analyzing. i don't want to sound like a shrink, so i'll keep my mouth shut. maybe that's another problem with me, i do what they say, i mold to fit their arms i just want to be loved... there i go again. the girl-child author that i wish i was, writes about rapers climbing into windows and slitting fairies throats if i was a fairy, i'd fly a house ahead of him and warn the girls to lock their windows what else would my wings be there for? is this feeling of betrayal warranted or am i just being, well, me again? and am i really feeling these emotions? sometimes i'm wrapped in a numb blanket the one that makes me nauseous but it's a good metaphor anyway. i write what happens, even though you wouldn't recognize it if you were there too i write what happened to me, which is the part i don't recognize either. and it's not always about a certain person but more of finding where they stand so you might think you know what i'm saying and if you do, maybe you could shed some light at that point, you're way ahead of me. you're so sure of what i'm saying but how did you find out? i don't know who this is for, why can't it just be for me? everyone has me so figured out they've got me nailed, pegged... i've never thought before how painful that sounds. like a butterfly who fell into a chloroform dream and is now stuck on a pin in a case i don't mind i guess. they'd look at me anyway. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 09 Feb 2000 22:12:31 -0800 From: "The Phoenix Princessa" Subject: ET: unedited day day another day think i'm gonna go away night's vociferous flower pain pain blue red pain fade the numb's steepest drain open an escape for me this hour shakes and rakes the teardrops pounds upon the cutting edge markers blend to tiny veins pain pain drain away washed down by the clouds butterfly strips, wounds to shroud bouncing back barely ties ties up my mind gripping tight, hide to bind think i'm gonna empty me instant reflex shows to feel where fear goes endlessly running to fly say say i want day to bring something to say leave the shards, hold tight on by day day another day think i'm gonna go away get your free gURLmAIL at http://www.gURLmAIL.com ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 16:00:21 -0500 (Eastern Standard Time) From: kara garbe Subject: ET: the california poems kara~garbe 2~10~00 Working in California (for Carlos) The American dream has failed you. Send me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to break free - and I will teach you how to work an eighty hour week, how to adopt an American smile and the baseball hat of an American school just to fit in. But you do not. How do I find the words to tell you that you cannot reclaim your life? That you will always walk home, alone, to a cramped apartment that, unlike your home in Mexico, does not contain a family waiting for your return. Then again, perhaps my words could not help. It is midnight, long past the hour that the busses ceased to run and you, who cannot afford a car, walk home under sickly yellow streetlights, including the one on Durant Avenue that always goes out when I pass under it. I would offer you a ride if I had any more access to a car than you do. But this life does not chafe at me so much; me, an American who has never known a life as you once did. I cannot grieve for something I never had to lose. *~*~* Bilingual I sit down in the back, on break listening to the young Mexicanos speaking Spanish and the way the bilingual ones constantly switch between languages, always in search of the perfect word. If only I had a thousand tongues at my command. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 15:09:50 -0500 (Eastern Standard Time) From: kara garbe Subject: ET: ecstatically alone on v-day i just have to throw myself into the discussion. being freshly single (well, it's been three months, but after a two year relationship it feels like not long at all), i have to say that i'm (perhaps surprisingly?) not upset at all about valentine's day. and that sentence was way too full of parenthetical comments. anyway, i have to say that coming after yesterday which i spent in bed with my eyes swollen shut, today the world was absolutely beautiful when i spent about twenty minutes sitting outside under a tree writing poetry. and it made me reflect on all this love-stuff, what with valentine's day coming up and everything. when i'm in a relationship, i tend to throw myself into it really intensely. so it's kind of exciting now, here's this day when "love" is on everyone's mind, and now i don't have to feel that love for one person at the expense of everyone else. i can just sit here in my room and stare out the window at this orange and black cat running around in the grass outside, and i feel absolutely overwhelmed by life. you know this feeling? this is a great feeling. all that energy used to be directed at a single person, and now it's directed at the entire world. i can love my friends even better for it. so with valentine's day coming up, i feel lucky to be "alone." i don't care what greeting card companies or the people around me think that valentine's day should be about. i know it's a day when love is going to be on everyone's mind, but i feel like i have everything i could possibly want. i don't mean to say that my recent relationship was bad or that all relationships are bad, but for now, i have what i want and what is best for me. this might sound cheesy, but it's something to think about. evaluate your life as it stands, not as it appears to others or to your sense of social expectations. i mean really, if you're happy with your life, then people aren't going to say "oh, i feel so sorry for you, all alone," they're going to be amazed and inspired and maybe comforted themselves that you can be so happy and satisfied. and of course nobody wants to be alone, but having someone to give flowers and candy to doesn't mean that you're any less alone than if that person hadn't been there, and, conversely, *not* having a significant other doesn't mean that you *are* alone. don't let our society with all its posturing and superficiality trick you into being unhappy with your life. it does that far too often already, and doesn't need a special day just to drive it home even deeper. ok, sorry, off the soapbox now. :) ~k ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ "Let me die trying to tell you one word that might matter in a life of words that wound" -Cathryn Hankla ------------------------------ Date: Fri, 11 Feb 2000 00:24:45 +0100 From: "marty" Subject: ET: smile at me & i'll smile back :) hey angels, got this lil extra smile on my face today, and i thought it maybe somethin worthwhile to just mention.. :) anyway, this might seem lil, but it really touched my heart. i was at the post-office to deliver a package for my business today, and i was quite in a hurry, rain-storms outside, and i was hungry so i was kinda staring, weary eyes, standing slacky with a heavy packy, waiting for the numbers to change.. :) but then there was this poor old man there at the counter (well he looked poor) i kinda noticed him cause he had this child-like knitted woollen cap only halfway on his crown, kinda looked funny, and i felt a lil sorry for him. :) anyway, when he was finished there he walked right before me and won this cheering smile on his face when i met his eyes.. and i kinda woke up from my lil drowse and smiled back, without even thinking!! and i just saw by that last glimpse of his face as he tread by, and thought to myself; what a little smiley on your face can make and light inside a lonely soul.. i wonder where he is now? smiling maybe, maybe not, maybe just a little.. :) i kinda wrote this thing in my mind, in my car. :) just thought i'd share with ya'll. thanX for listening. take karez&smilez, marty. ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 19:41:40 -0500 From: "Seth D. Fulmer" Subject: ET: Choices(poem) Hey everyone :o) How are you doing? Well, I'm sorry if I've been snippy lately about Valentines Day. James I apologize. I am bitter about the whole holiday as I had the worst time ever last year with someone than I've ever had alone. It seems like every dance I've been to that I've had a date to(prom, Valentines, my fraternity chapter's banquet), I've had a bad time but if I was stag or someone else's date I had a semi-decent time. I had a choice to be alone for this Valentines or go to Indiana for a dance where I'd be the date for the most perfect female on this planet!...I didn't want to get hurt so I chose to stay here. I really hate choices though. I wish today were February 15th already. Anyhow, enough of that. If you wanna talk about it, contact me privately. Here is my poem that I wrote sorta last night and sorta earlier tonight. I ended up calling it "Choices". If you have any suggestions, comments, questions, or flames, state them if you wish, else keep them to yourself if you wish. Also, if you don't want to receive my poetry, let me know also, okey? Enjoy!! Take cares and Have a Great Day!! :o) -Seth =============================== Choices by Seth D. Fulmer 2/9/00 An inch of a rose or my very first kiss Which would I choose? and which would I miss? Life without love at all would be a great life I think Nobody to break my heart or even make me swear An angel in a green tutu or the slut down the street both wanting to screw me Only one wants to sleep. Fire by the moonlight or passion lit by candles Would you give up all sex for a night of sweet kisses? I'd love to buy you flowers miss or even hold your hand walk you through a field my angel You're more beautiful than 40 kingdoms! ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 17:17:25 PST From: "Chris Sylvester" Subject: Re: ET: valentines day Seth, just wanted to let you know that I'm behind you all the way on this one. I know what it feels like. I plan on ordering more of that nuclear waste.. err.. taco pizza from Godfather's on Sunday so I can get out of school on Monday. Just wanted to let you know somebody out there knows. ~Sly "Carpe Manana" Seize Tomorrow, -Me "What consumes your thoughts controlls your life" - -Creed - ----Original Message Follows---- From: "Seth D. Fulmer" To: DPS8315@aol.com, eda-thoughts@smoe.org Subject: Re: ET: valentines day Date: Wed, 09 Feb 2000 19:20:38 -0500 James, I'd just like to tell you(and anyone else) that please watch what you say about this topic. The hatred I have for this holiday right now, if converted to flame, would not only light a simple flame but would make the disasters of Nagasaki and Hiroshima(spelling not accurate!) look like static electricity! You are honestly treading on very dangerous ground. My remarks follow. Yes I would like to participate in the "cutesy crap". However I want to participate with a girlfriend...not a girl - friend. You can't just go to a dating flick with a simple friend and hold her hand and buy her a dozen roses, and chocolates in a box the shape of a large heart with "I love you" written in pink script on the top with red ribbon and a bow on it. It would look WAY bad. Those who know me know that I don't do things simply. I go all out. I don't just buy 1 rose or go to the prom or a valentines dance as a couple...(well I didn't at my prom because I've changed since then and then I just went cuz it was the prom not because of females)...I'd go in a helicopter, airplane, or limosine double, triple, or quadruple dating with mine and her best friends and just getting a Hell of a lot of attention. You mentioned also buying roses and having them delivered to one of my friends. If I had them delivered to my friend Emily or Alison, they'd probably avoid me(more than Emily has been the past month or so). And although I love to receive roses, if a friend gave me roses, to me that isn't just a nice gesture. I'd think they wanted more. Last year I went to the Valentines Dance with my friend Holly(I'm sure you all suffered through my poetry about her) and I realized when I thought about it just this year that I had a worse time with her, just because I couldn't go all out, than I do when I'm by myself. Last year at the dance my friend Cindy hands me a rose to hand to Holly cuz she had gotten a white rose for every female...and my face got so red when she handed me the rose because I thought it was for me. And then she said to give to Holly and I did it so comfortably but it so crushed me that she wasn't giving it to me. Anyhow before I get really upset I'm gonna shut my trap. Talk to some of you later. Bye bye :) Seth D. Fulmer mailto:kaosking@voicenet.com At 04:31 PM 2/9/00 EST, DPS8315@aol.com wrote: >> but like this year I get so sick looking >> down the aisles in the grocery stores of boxes of chocolates in the shape >> of hearts and cards with all this cutesy crap. What I would give to >> receive a rose or a box of chocolates from someone or even to be able to >> give them to someone. I have declared that February 12th be declared "Anti >> Valentines Day". > >A logical fallacy: 'all of this cutesy crap', but you still long to >participate? Everyone has felt a certain amount of dissention towards >holidays, but Valentine's Day is hardly the culprit. Dont have a loved one? > No one giving you little candies? Yeah, every other single person feels >like that to. Want the solution? Spend $30 on a dozen roses and find a way >to deliver them to twelve, or one, of your friends. There is always >someone willing to accept gifts. ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 23:57:23 -0500 From: shivergirl Subject: ET: ~fastforwarding to the present~ nighty-night. j'espere tu as une bonne nuit. je t'aime marty. (tu vois? je me souviens ;) + ~our conversation~ seducing a pure man makes me feel really religious. i am primed to detonate all over the pristine walls in the chapel atop the hill. i will make stations of the cross at each crevice of your body, baby--if you let me. and i will get up when i'm done worshipping. (when you moan amen.) + was it my poh-em mistake/that day/ you can tell me/please don't/bullshit me/ i said that/what i didn't want/to say/ what i thought/you thought/i should relate/lying in that instant/to the world/ to your face/the knowledge of our parting/ imminent + my hell resides inside pockets of castaway write-offs sold at the salvation army (where the clocks have stopped) for humanity i am second-hand love in all its tattered, beaten-down glory + boy that was some lethal cocktail you mixed with morality the other night listing my transgressions like fucking cons with a guilt twist grammEr purist you tried to ensnare me enter me with a fist but i remained stubbornly untouchable when your fingers missed a seizure of revulsion encompassed me suddenly as my girlish love became a dissident wish + from what you've seen on pictures do i look healthy to you? the shape of my arms the slant of my neck my breasts under the blue t-shirt (you mentioned them first) do you have any intention of divesting me of my garments in the near future lover? revealing the definition of extatik any time soon? (cuz i need somethin to look forward to) + do i make you feel functional/(it feels so honest and reverse) /i am almost nearly content/in my little spinning universe/ you can fall asleep/with your face/pressing a kiss/ to my belly/you can dare/to ask me/to slip inside/trust/ the moment/it will come/to pass + defy your mind/you're such a/classic man bites dog/buttress your normalcy/with derisive comments/using a new muscle/ every day/to criticize/that which you don't like/in yourself/it helps you guide/your inertia/ forward + plastic ignition/working the bedroom/ it's not me/it's you/little man blue/ chasing robinhood/i am launched/ into space/away from the/time-giver/ taker-awayer/no more mars days/ so i stay up late/after all/i've learned/ the sex can wait + i just wanted to assure you in LARGE PRINT for your heart to read. (since i know how farsighted your soul is where love is concerned.) + would you not like to be inside me where the excitement breeds and beams you could be pierced with my nebula dreams and i could taste your broken english like love whispers gravitating to my heart's door feeling on me this seasoning tenderness craving you more a kiss of your excruciating gentleness i miss never having dreamed this dream before + having you here-- in my bed-- i just want to say: thank you so much for talking to me today, for making me feel not-dead. you're so completely making me feel comfy-- even when i wander outside your gaze i can still remember the drawn-out pleasure of watching you slumber deep into me where you're drowsy and heavy and half- incoherent with need + you don't want to interrupt my story-writing. honey, my story-writing interrupts you. ------------------------------ End of eda-thoughts-digest V3 #51 *********************************