From: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org (eda-thoughts-digest) To: eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Subject: eda-thoughts-digest V2 #94 Reply-To: eda-thoughts@smoe.org Sender: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Errors-To: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Precedence: bulk eda-thoughts-digest Monday, April 5 1999 Volume 02 : Number 094 * If you ever wish to unsubscribe, send an email to * eda-thoughts-digest-request@smoe.org with ONLY * the word unsubscribe in the body of the email * . * PLEASE :) when you reply to this digest to send a post TO the list, * change the subject to reflect what your post is about. A subject * of Re: eda-thoughts-digest V2 #xxx or the like gives readers no clue * as to what your message is about. Today's Subjects: ----------------- ET: another one of my ramblings. this time on drugs. [winters ] ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 04 Apr 1999 01:00:30 -0800 From: winters Subject: ET: another one of my ramblings. this time on drugs. superhero. (addicted to you) i thought i grew out of this. that somehow i learned something from my sisters and brothers. that somehow those exboyfriend taught me a lesson. that somehow the hospital stays, the puking, the losing of friendships and virginity taught me something. who to stay away from, what situations to stay away from, and when to just simply close my eyes and search for another way out. but no. i have to throw myself back into the old lifestyle of long night outs and pot grins. but it's so familiar and comforting. the smell of weed inside of his house, the beer bottles thrown everywhere, the cold pizza, even the couch which many of people have passed out on. everything felt at home. i have never been in that exact house, never stared into those eyes before, but it was the same as many others. the empty fridge, the clothing padding the ground, the ferret running about. at first i was nervous, the way he would look at me. the way i no longer knew what bands where in for that month, which people had the connections now, and which words fit best in their lingo. i was nervous because i haven't been around this scene in so long; this scene of emptiness and pot induced poetry. i wanted out. i looked at the window, stared at the door, figuered out the best place to run to if he was gonna ask for more. but it's funny, how one minute your heart can be racing and the next you find yourself reverting to the past. it's difficult for me to change myself; therefore even harder to change anyone else. i don't believe people who say that have changed anyone. i don't believe that an addict will stop for love. i don't believe that anything works, unless inside of yourself you want it to. please give the credit of an addict's will to stop to the addict, not to the person who said what the addict needed to hear. yet, last night, he spoke to me quietly. words that you can't make up. showed me poetry that you can't show. cocaine mothers, alcholic fathers. somehow, in between the last beer and his first hit, he told me the truth, how badly he wanted out. how much he admired me, for never getting in too deep and for leaving the moment i felt shame. he asked me to be his angel. he wants to sleep with me. he is horny. he is a man. he is bad. he is a bartender, he doesn't know right from wrong.....those thoughts ran through my mind. i felt guitly for becoming this cynic, for questioning his honesty. yet, i have learned from the best, that it's not difficult to be an asshole. and saying that your different from the rest, means nothing when it's the pot talking. but after my laughter inside (he thinks he can swoon me! ha!), i realized that i was no longer looking for the window or door, that i was begining to care. that i saw some truth to his words, that i saw some honesty in those eyes. and that i pulled away when he tried to kiss, and he didn't try again. that he asked me to drive him to the nearby city to get his GED, that he knew he needed out. and that, i might just be able to, offer him a little bit of support. now i have become addicted to this addict. i can't save anyone, but that need of being a superhero is coming out of me. i've watched sisters runaway from home, i've watched my brother forget who he really is. i've watched friends kill their souls and boyfriends fall in love with the acid and not me. but i've heard my sister tell me, who went to hell and came back, that sometimes a person just needs someone to talk to. to understand. to listen. and sometimes we don't want to be that person. for their problems to be thrown into our lives. but sometimes we have to help people out, even if it's scary and it's frustrating. why? because we can. and with that ability, we have to use it. here i am. walking back into the past. this time with another set of characters and a bit of a different setting,but the same problems. yet this time i'm not messing myself up (or at least i hope), i'm trying my hardest to help pull someone out. who wants out. kat ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 4 Apr 1999 01:53:17 EST From: JohnTracy4@aol.com Subject: ET: My fears, sadness, and loneliness Loneliness The fear and sadness that has been locked down inside of me has become so great that it has burst out of me. I have become a raging animal, my fears no longer bother me and my deepest sadness only makes me stronger. I only wish that my loneliness could do the same. But loneliness is a deep pit. With every ounce pushing it deeper, and deeper inside of your heart. When I concentrate on pulling through my loneliness, it only pulls my fears and sadness back into me making me a vulnerable depression case. "I can't do good for the people around me", I used to say. I was the person that tried to take my loneliness out of this world by taking myself out as well. I only wish that I could overcome this great fear of life. But then I only think "if life has such fear, then death must be the ultimate fear." It eases me for a while, but I am only forced down that road again and again. The only person that can help me is a person that cares. __________________________________________ John Tracy The Forever Questioning Angel ICQ# 27193304 AIM JohnTracy4 ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 04 Apr 1999 08:58:13 -0800 From: Miles and Prystowsky Subject: ET: niki hi, a book to check out is "the art of skywriting by [the] word of mouth" by john lennon. his poetry/lyrics. he's amazing. and definately '60s. :) you other angels might wana check it out too. imagine, i actually haven't gotten to look at it yet (my friend checked it out from the library) but knowing john, it'll be incredible. love- sam the ? angel p.s. i'd heard baz l.'s song - actually i'd just read about it. it's number one in charts across the country! how about that! ------------------------------ End of eda-thoughts-digest V2 #94 *********************************