From: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org (eda-thoughts-digest) To: eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Subject: eda-thoughts-digest V1 #128 Reply-To: eda-thoughts@smoe.org Sender: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Errors-To: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Precedence: bulk eda-thoughts-digest Wednesday, August 19 1998 Volume 01 : Number 128 Today's Subjects: ----------------- ET: All about the me I can see. [jewel16f@juno.com (Heidi J Andrus)] Re: ET: Re: Everything that is me [Seth Fulmer ] ET: hey [moonsong@ix.netcom.com (Us)] ET: Re: holly's post [moonsong@ix.netcom.com (Us)] ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 19 Aug 1998 13:21:41 -0700 From: jewel16f@juno.com (Heidi J Andrus) Subject: ET: All about the me I can see. Me again, I'm going to try and write my first composition or poem whatever it may turn out to be about me since I've seen alot of you doing so. Also I think that we all should write something about ourselves that is like good. I think Sam mentioned something like that. Since everyone basically wrote negativity I think it would be totally cool if we did positive things about ourselves...good idea I think. If Sam came up with it then....good idea Sam!! Ok here goes....I have never written before and I'm not sure if I can do this so please just realize.....I'm a newbie at this kinda of stuff.....although things run through my mind all the time so maybe it might be good we'll see. The me I see in myself. As a child I was curious I would sneek into a closet with my little friend Eric and we'd "explore" each other as we called it then. One day we were caught by his mom and we got in trouble. When my mom was told she thought it was funny. He's still my best friend I still think I'll marry him one day even though we live so far away! I still have the scar when dad hit me with the hammer on accident of course. I was about 2 or 3. it's visible when i'm tan he said he thought he had killed his little love. I still have the scar of walking into a new school and the kids saying "ewe you're the new girl?" I was only about 8 and the scar still remains though not visible by tanning but visible by digging deep inside me I wore glasses and had greesy hair then then i was told we were moving across the country from CO to TN then l changed because at about 12 how you looked started to determine way more than just who you got to swing with on the play ground I started to change become what everyone else was just so that I could have friends and be happy I started to take a bath or shower everyday instead of every other day I started to dry and curl my hair i begged my mom for contacts and actually got them I stoped wearing '80's clothes and started to wear baggier jeans and shirts that made my hair and eyes more attrative. I became this person who was very self concious when before i didn't even think twice about what i did with my hair or what i wore to school. I became what they wanted and for that gained friends and then lost them and then gained more and then lost them Becoming this other person took a tole on me I gained beauty and along with that weight. I always wondered why can't I have both? I would sit in my room and try and make myself beautiful. At the same time I was making myself ugly by gaining weight because i wasn't active. I was thrown into this tailspin didn't know where i was why i was here and didn't know anyone. i was scared and therefor I ate and let the TV comfort me mom and dad were never home so i sat and my family was Oprah and Ricki. Summer made it worse because i had no close enough friends to do things with so again tv was my comfort and family. before all of this i had no personality but all of a sudden i was developing one. i figured out a favorite color, green started liking guys plastered my walls with JTT posters listend day an night to Jewel found out that I could sing wished i had stayed with my dancing lessons when I was little wished I had stayed with piano but found my refuge in singing and music talked on the phone more and more when school started again started thinking about high school scary life became voice lessons singing school football games i was happy now because i was beautiful more inside then on the outside but becoming what everyone wanted on the outside made me more beautiful on the inside i was more accepted now i became happier and more accepting of myself i had my first love/crush that year of being more of who "they" wanted he didn't feel the same but to this day his name makes me cry actually i saw him this year but didnt' say anything and he didn't see me but i cried for days knowing that he was still here on earth alive and just as I remember him i came to love sunrises and sunsets rain and candles everywhere poetry and calm soothing voices candle lit baths people playing with my hair just simply sitting and maybe making up songs or listening to the silence and thinking i had become someone with a personality because i was accepted it's still all so confusing to me but as a child i seemed like nothing at all now as an adolecent i seem like something, everything Ok this is probably the stupidest thing in the world. It repeats itself to much and it's dumb. I'm gonna send it anyways cause I just feel like it. When I say beautiful I mean I was as pretty as I thought I could be. I'm never writting again....it's not my thing I guess......i feel better now though being able to get all that out. Oh well there it is ....proof I can't write .....ok take care all must mosy on my way :o) Goodbye, Heidi *The Freckel Angel* E-mail at: Jewel16f@Juno.com also at: Jewel15f@aol.com AOL Instant Message: Jewel15f Web sites: http://www.vaio.net/spte.dll/web/JewelRocks http://www.angelfire.com/tn/JewelRocks/index.html _____________________________________________________________________ You don't need to buy Internet access to use free Internet e-mail. Get completely free e-mail from Juno at http://www.juno.com Or call Juno at (800) 654-JUNO [654-5866] ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 19 Aug 1998 13:53:54 -0400 (EDT) From: Seth Fulmer Subject: Re: ET: Re: Everything that is me On Wed, 19 Aug 1998, Kevin Pease wrote: > Well, I wasn't talking stuff like, "Why bother putting in that > foundation support, dad? I mean, the building's going to fall over sooner > or later, anyway." I was talking more like, "Why worry about painting the > underside of that railing," or something like that, we're not talking > "people will die" if it doesn't get done. :) Well, the underside of the railing I would never paint. If it's not going to be noticed, hurt someone, or help someone, then I don't see a reason in doing it. > You do it because YOU will know it's been done, and it's been done > right. You do it because it's the "proper" way to do things. It shouldn't > matter that other people won't notice it, it should matter only that you > noticed it, and did what was "right & proper". Maybe you or someone else would do it because it's right or proper, but "right and proper" is a very subjective term. It's connected to one's moral beliefs. I admit there are some stuff that I do like picking up litter that won't get noticed except by me, and won't affect anyone(much less me), but on the most part, what I said above applies. > ?? You're still assuming an awful lot about other people and how they > "would look" at you. When you come right down to it, one bad quality isn't > a show-stopper, either, and that's what I'm having so much difficulty But it is though. If an apple tree has 1 apple and 1 snake, I'm going to leave it alone. But if it has a dozen apples, I'm going to give thesnake a chance and go towards the apples. If I can get rid of the snake or put it to sleep or something while I'm at it, then that's better...but I take the good and the bad and weigh it out. > understanding about what you're saying. I don't like a lot of things about > myself, but that doesn't mean I think it's stupid to be happy with my > accomplishments, and with where I am at this point in life. Yes, I want to > better myself... I'd like to lose another ten pounds, I'd like to get my > Master's degree within the next couple years, I'd like to get out of the > computer industry within a few years, etc, etc. But that doesn't mean I > can't look at myself, and say, "Hey, you're not doing too bad, so far." If > you spend all your time berating yourself for your bad qualities, where do > you find the time to develop your good qualities? Well, I guess I have the attitude that you don't stop until either your dead or you've attained your goal. Admittedly the goal that has been coming back up again and again is my long term goal, but I have a lot of short term goals as well. Also, I don't obsess on my bad qualities so much as devalue my good qualities. Ok, people(my mom and grandmom) tell me that I'm good with computers. But they're also people that have no clue where the power button is(no offense to my mom and grandmom of course). There are a LOT of other people who can program MUCH better than I am...so my abilities aren't very useful if someone can better me. > And again, I maintain that you cannot possibly know that. I knew I would be happy making a lot of money as a computer programmer and I was right about that over CoOP just this past Fall and winter. I've simulated it out in my mind, watched people(in real life) go about their daily businesss(so I know how it's supposed to go), and now I'm pretty sure, that unless my values change, I probably would not be happy(at least not yet) in a marriage situation. > Please don't go into movies for examples - they're fake, glamorized > versions of the lives that a very small portion of people have ever even > dreamed about living. I'd actually be a little upset if my life was nothing > but an hour and a half sound bite with special effects. I don't know...I think I could be a great James Bond :) He got all the women, caught "bad guys"(to coin a bad term), and went through situations that no normal man would live through. I'd love that life :)...even if for only 2 hours. > No, I don't see what you're trying to say. You say "She has a great > situation, a great life." And then you go on to say that you wouldn't want > to have a PhD in Pharmacology, and you'd rather not rely on money strictly > from grants, and below you talk about despising children, and I really doubt > you'd like having a husband. :) If that life is SO MUCH better than your > life, how come just about everything with it that you describe "isn't > right?" Yeah, I'd like to not have almost $65,000 worth of educational Pretty much because even though that is great and all...but it's not 100% what I want so it's not good enough. I mean...my dad, if he orders a steak and it's not the way he asked for it, he'll send it back. I don't like steak that much(unless my dad makes it), but if I'm in the right mood, I'll send it back. > loans hanging over my head, and I'd love to be done with all my schooling, > and I'd love to have a spouse & a couple kids... but I don't - I've got a BS > in Biotechnology, enough loans to choke a herd of horses, I don't even have > a girlfriend right now, and I sure as hell don't have a couple kids. That > doesn't mean my life is crap, I'm actually pretty happy right now - I've got > a decent job, I've got good friends, a car that runs (most of the time! :), Oh, I'm happy as anything too...I don't have a car or a girlfriend(never had one, never will have one), but after I graduate, I intend on getting a car, paying off my loans, and travelling to see my friends in other parts of the country. But at times, just seeing that brick wall at the end of the tunnel instead of that light in my future really makes my day go dim...Life just recycles itself. You do the same thing day after day, with a vacation every now and then. Finally, you die sometimes with people spitting in your coffin even. > If you want people to notice them, send some out to various magazines > and stuff, and see if you can get them published. If you're so busy "not > caring enough" to tell people about it, why on earth would you expect them > to notice it? This is the same attitude that one of my friends takes when > he's trying to meet a girl... he suddenly becomes "ultra-laid-back guy"... I'm laid back as well. I don't really care anyway if someone reads my poetry. It's to get my feelings out a lot of time. I get upset sometimes because if I wanted to, I could sit in my home, go to work/school, or out to the movies by myself and if I don't call my friends, they won't call me. I went a month and a half last summer and when I finally called my friends they said they were trying to get in touch with me. Now, one girl/Brother Evelyn who chose me as a friend rather than me choosing her...keeps saying that if I "fall off the face of the earth", she'll hunt me down and find me. I'm almost tempted to try it because I'm content with being alone...I was alone until 6th grade pretty much...I can be alone another 80-120 years. > You're applying a purely subjective qualification here. How can you > compare somebody's skill at, say, playing soccer, with your skill at writing > poetry? It's apples-to-oranges, through and through. It sounds to me like Because it's more useful. Let's say the world was plunged into a war suddenly...That person who can play soccer...his skills can be adapted to war. Poetry might, but even so, as I was saying to someone the other day...I don't want to be the "understudy", the backstage person who is useful but isn't noticed. I want someone to be able to say "Seth Did that!"(and it be something I can be proud of instead of evading punishment :) hehe) > Life isn't a pissing contest... if you worry about your own thing, and > let everybody else worry about their own things, you'd be a lot happier. > Nobody's asking you to make them perfect, nobody's asking you to prove > you're perfect... learn to be happy with the things you've got, and live > your own life without worrying about whether people are better than you at > this, or that, or the other thing, it's just not worth the time and effort > it takes. Oh, I agree. It's not. However, as I said in another email earlier...If someone annoys, or attacks me, I attack back...and I make the attack GOOD so they think twice about coming back at me. I think if this discussion continues(which doesn't bother me...it's quite fun), we should take it offline so as to not annoy anyone :) Take care and Have a Great Day! :) Seth D. Fulmer mailto:kaosking@voicenet.com ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 19 Aug 1998 11:28:43 -0700 From: moonsong@ix.netcom.com (Us) Subject: ET: hey Hey everyone Angels, Well I haven't read the last 2 digests completely, but I think Heidi (in the 1st post) has a point. Seth I think no one means to *attack* you so I hope ya don't feel that way....Sometimes 'discussions' can get into 'arguments.' Anyway, I think I've said my points, so I'm gonna pull right on our of this 'discussion' unless something absolutely capivates my interest. Luv yaz, Sam the ? angel P.S. I'm gonna repost this and beeeggg you guys to consider it (esp. YOU! Jamie, Doc [when he gets back], James, Kristen, Kristin, Jill, Sue, Heidi, oh and hey Rebecca Webster are you still on here? Also Seth, Holly, Kat, Lara, Ben, Kara, and if I forgot you, still consider it! ....There is someone I KNOW I forgot and they're MAJOR [heh heh] but I cannot grasp yer name....Anyway, please consider the following): i'm thinking of *possibly* making a poem page on my webpage, could you guys please send me the ones you've written that mean the most to you (if you're interested)? they can be simple, they can be short, they can be detailed and long (not too long if possible, but i've written lots of long meaningful poems so don't worry too much). as long as they mean something to you, or you felt they mean something to the world, or even if you aren't sure about it/them (poems) but someone else has been deeply affected. get my drift? :) amanda, can i put yours up there? also, if possible, send a short bio of yourself (and your website url if you have one). Niki Summer and Naomi have already written back. :) moonsong@ix.netcom.com ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 19 Aug 1998 11:29:16 -0700 From: moonsong@ix.netcom.com (Us) Subject: ET: Re: holly's post >>>We all mean the same thign yet say it in different ways.I want to know >>>one thing about this beauty thing for all of you...... have you ever >>>gone so far as to hurt your family while you hurt trash and rip yourself >>>apart? ahhh never mind this talk will still contuie and we will still >>>hate are selves for what we look like even though we know deep down >>>inside it doesnt matter we still will care.<<< Heya~ Hurt your family how? Physically? Hell no. Mentally? Not on purpose. I make it a point to not trash myself in front of them. It'd not only hurt my parents but it would lower their opinion of me. I try to stay focused on the goods, and not dwell in hell for too long. I would hate to see the look on my mother's face (it would be totally hurt and broken) if I told her something like, "I hate myself, I hate...." And if I meant it, she would be so hurt, because she is who brought me up, she'd feel like a failure. Anyway, I don't know, maybe trying not to look at the bad things comes easier for me, though don't doubt me when I say, when I get depressed, I get *depressed*. Sam the ? angel "I would swallow my doubt, turn it inside out, find nothing but faith in nothing, want to put my tender heart in a blender, watch it spin round in a beautiful oblivion...." ~Eve 6~ moonsong@ix.netcom.com ------------------------------ End of eda-thoughts-digest V1 #128 **********************************