From: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org (eda-thoughts-digest) To: eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Subject: eda-thoughts-digest V2 #291 Reply-To: eda-thoughts@smoe.org Sender: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Errors-To: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Precedence: bulk eda-thoughts-digest Monday, October 11 1999 Volume 02 : Number 291 * If you ever wish to unsubscribe, send an email to * eda-thoughts-digest-request@smoe.org with ONLY * the word unsubscribe in the body of the email * . * PLEASE :) when you reply to this digest to send a post TO the list, * change the subject to reflect what your post is about. A subject * of Re: eda-thoughts-digest V2 #xxx or the like gives readers no clue * as to what your message is about. Today's Subjects: ----------------- Re: ET: the truth [Seth Fulmer ] ET: My bit of hope [JewelAng@aol.com] ET: A revised poem [Jennifer ] ET: A faith poem ["~* cymbaline *~" ] ET: see ["steve c" <51peg@abts.net>] ET: Some Poems [Mika911@aol.com] ET: My email to an angel [Ryan Posey ] Re: ET: see ["~* cymbaline *~" ] ET: beautiful tara ["Robert A. Peate" ] ET: i had the wierdest night last night ["Brian H" Subject: Re: ET: the truth On Mon, 11 Oct 1999, ~* cymbaline *~ wrote: > Let me tell a story. I have to say...I've always believed that the ONLY time I'd consider suicide would be if it was the only way to win a situation; where I was totally helpless. However, helpless does not include having all my appendages useless, or faculties of my body made useless. Helpless is where I am in a situation and the only choices remaining would be (a) death or (b) a slow death where I am wounded slowly before. If someone had me captive and were going to kill everyone first, then torture and then kill me. I might then just save them the trouble, but unfortunately, when one is depressed, I've found out...the mind is not so healthy. There have been 2 times in my life that I've seriously considered killing myself. One time my friend talked me through it, and actually by the time I got off the phone with him, my mom was home and I would have rather done it alone than with my mom in the house. The 2nd time I was on a train and didn't have anything with which to do it. Both times, I remember asking myself if I was truly helpless and both times, I had so much apathy that I just didn't care anymore. It was more a last minute effort to keep from crying because the 2nd time I just remember I cried from about 10 minutes into the train ride home(it's about a 50 min-1 hr. train ride) and I dried my eyes when I got off the train because I can never show my mom/grandmom tears(my own rule). I've always considered myself a rather strong willed individual that couldn't be swayed without some bit of proof. In HS, if someone would have shown me a poem they wrote, I'd have laughed in their face if it didn't rhyme and if it did, I'd probably have made fun of them. I never really believed in "God" as the Jews and Christians believe in, but I faked it and was in a bible study in my junior and senior year of HS. I am looking sorta into a pagan belief system however even now I'm unsure. I scare myself sometimes. Kelly's post about the letter from God touched me even despite my beliefs. The movie Stigmata touched me too. In HS, I'd have thought she was lying because she didn't have the letter, or laughed at the movie Stigmata thinking it was stupid. I think ever since I saw the movie "Phenomenon"(or maybe earlier yet still), I've believed that faith has a lot to do with things. If things aren't going your way but if you have faith, things will seem better than for others who don't have so much faith. In college I developed the philosophy a year or 2 ago that "God" was whomever you place your faith into, the Devil was the personification of temptation, Heaven was life where you got what you wanted through serving your morals and ideals, and Hell was life where you broke your promises, ideals, betrayed others and yourself, and therefore did not enjoy life as a final result(Crime doesn't pay). I have the hardest time placing faith in some of the simplest things...like signs if a girl likes me or if I've studied long enough for a test. However, things like a letter from God, or the gospel written in the words of Jesus Christ himself I believe. There's more signs in the instance of a girl liking me or enough preparation for an exam, but yet I'd rather believe the things I have no proof of. I don't know why I shared all this...I just was touched by Kelly's story and in my own mind I'm lately wondering what is up that I'm so 'religious' :) I've been told, both by friends, and in tarot card readings, that I have a strong religious sense...just no purpose. Well, I've gone on long enough. I guess my point was that you gotta have faith that things will get better. Take care and Have a Great Day!! :o) Seth D. Fulmer mailto:kaosking@voicenet.com ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 11 Oct 1999 18:22:45 EDT From: JewelAng@aol.com Subject: ET: My bit of hope Well, I read the posts taht Steve wrote and here is what I have to say. I don't even know if Steve wil read this, but I hope you do. I'm not even sure if it will make a difference. First off I want to share this quote, I'm not sure, why I just feel it deeply. "People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. Thats what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them,you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain." -Jim Morrison I agree with basicly this whole quote. I think pain IS meant to wake us up. What if we went through life feeling only happy? Pain makes us enjoy the happy parts more. If we didn't have pain then we would take the good moments for granted. I know partly what your feeling. I'm going to say a totally do, because no one is the same. I went through a period were I wanted to die. But I'm still here. I guess I relized that it will always get better. You may think it will not, but I have faith/hope that it will. I'm not saying I believe in God. I do, but I don't think he can fix everything. I guess I lost faith this summer. Just remeber, there is always a reason to live. You. You may not feel speical, of feel important, for feel like you should be on earth, but you should. I believe your life will get better, but only IF YOU WANT IT TO. No one can help you, buy yourself. "There is not wrong you can't make right again." As you may have guessed that's part of a Jewel quote. I belive this, You can always pick up the pieces of your heart, you can always build your life back up again, you can make things right once again. I know my ramblings could not have helped at all, but I told you what was in your heart. Truely look inside your heart. You may be surprized with what you find. Rebecca ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 11 Oct 1999 15:37:54 -0700 (PDT) From: Jennifer Subject: ET: A revised poem I think I've already sent this one to list...but I made some changes to it today. - --------------------------------- Art as eloquence Passion meant for inception Love drank eternally Indigo colors consignment Violet invades sacred music Red stains amourous lips Calm nights sooth Still water conceals Moonlight discloses Fleeting moments transcend Apparitions captured in glass Questions silenced with rapture __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Bid and sell for free at http://auctions.yahoo.com ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 11 Oct 1999 22:42:45 GMT From: "~* cymbaline *~" Subject: ET: A faith poem I wrote this a few years ago I wrote it when things were going bad, but I had faith things would only get better. "Yellow Roses and Daffodils" All I had is gone once more, My journey is since forgotten. Time spent still as distant dreams fall by the wayside, only hoping to bloom again. Yellow roses and daffodils, my dreams are gone, but still you give me my hope for tomorrow. I know for sure my dreams are planted somewhere deep in the soil, and though it may not be today, they will bloom to be my yellow roses and daffodils. cymbaline 5/97 ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 11 Oct 1999 19:45:15 -0400 From: "steve c" <51peg@abts.net> Subject: ET: see i want to thank the group for letting me think out loud. Can't you see.. ? Each one of you gives me the same reasons i have heard over and over again. Try harder, burn in hell, bla bla bla.. well excuse me but (gag).. No substance. All any of us ever do is find a way to interpret this life so we can live in it. If I cannot find a way to accept this life for what it is without shaping it into some mold in my head, I do not wish to be here. It is in my head that none of this makes sense. 26 years and it all comes back to depression. However, my interest is sparked. This is the first group of people that has ever taken me seriously, that hasn't said some stupid remark to me like " life sucks man just get over it".. when i come in contact with people like that I honestly wish they get the living shit beat out of them so bad they nearly die. Not because of anger. Because that is what it would take to get them to see. And i have made no generalization. I have not one friend here in NC that does not drink, smoke , or do drugs. Not One. And i have searched and searched and searched. My head and heart cannot take any more abuse. I came into this world with nothing . It seems as if i will leave here with pain. Hope has done nothing but fail me. Fate has done nothing but lie to me. Love has done nothing but hurt me. Those of you that wish to start an argument forget it. I am way to smart for that. All of you know what i am talking about. Those of you that do not are the ones that make me feel so bad. It isn't your fault, I just hate it here. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 11 Oct 1999 20:18:45 EDT From: Mika911@aol.com Subject: ET: Some Poems Here's some poems of mine. They are mine so please don't use for any reason! :-) Thanks a bunch! You can let me know what you think if you like! A HUG A hug can feel so different A hug can be friendly A hug can be a quick acknowledgement A hug can be good luck A hug can mean I love you If we were to hug To you it might be little But for me it would be a golden treasure Will I ever have that hug? ANOTHER ON "THE NIGHT" (RECENTLY RENAMED "YOU WERE") You were so kind You were so understanding You are so beautiful You held in your true reactions How possibly could you truly not have 100s of things against me? Your arms around my shoulders Your voise whispering in my ear My nervous leg shaking us Oh, you made me feel so well And yet I was so embarrassed WITH YOU I am around you Around you such a short time The feeling you create in me The feeling is so great So fun, so happy, so in love I wonder? how thee would react if You knew this was about you NEW So many times I await the new The shiney, the bright, the clean Sometimes waiting for the new Even longer than I must Just so the new can feel even better But when I get the new I'm let down as it's so akward and needs breaking in Mika Want some extra money? Are you on the web a lot? If you answered these two questions "Yes." Then visit http://www.alladvantage.com/home.asp?refid=CCH-226 To see if it's for you! ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 11 Oct 1999 19:10:01 -0400 From: Ryan Posey Subject: ET: My email to an angel This is an email I wrote to my wonderful girlfriend soon after we celebrated our 18 month anniversary...I had to let the world know how I feel about her...any comments will be appreciated... - ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- - ------------------------ Dear Nicole, I don't remember (and maybe that is a testament to the problem) but I think I promised you a long time ago that I'd never stop being romantic and stop writing you all the time and stuff. I don't remember for sure, but I think I meant it.... I didn't mean to have let this long go without being sweet and nice and down-right honest to tell you a few things I love you You're my sunshine, my heart, and my life...I love you more than anything Some things happened tonight that made me think....I saw John (with the crazy hair) and Kelly....they seemed very happy and that made me miss you a whole bunch...I thought for awhile about how their love was new, just like ours was 18 months ago.... Then, I began getting ready for bed and George had music going as usual...but tonight it was different...he wasn't blasting rap...he was playing music on the computer....and all of a sudden I heard.. "ooga chaka ooga chaka"...I almost cried! I was so happy to hear that song after so long...It was fun and exciting to sing along.... Later tonight, I crawled into bed and tried to sleep. I couldn't get my mind off of my sweetie.... Then I tried to sing "I can't stop this feeling, deep inside of me...." to make me feel better....but that was as far as I got... It wasn't that I didn't want to sing more, but I couldn't remember any more... That made me so sad....Nicole, I don't ever want to lose that magic with you....It seems like all I think about now is getting home to be in your arms and doing a little dirty stuff....Well, I want to feel that magic some more...I want to make some more of that magic...I hope George leaves for awhile soon. I think his parents are coming down for one weekend and I hope he stays in the hotel. I need time and my room so I can sing to you....So I can read poetry to you...So I can LOVE you.... You're my one and only, and I don't want you to forget it.... "I can't stop this feeling....deep inside of me...." "Oh what chord did she pluck?" (or something like that :) Since I can't remember my other poem too well, I can't help but write you another...I love you so much and I have to let you know - -------------------- A love so.... By Ryan Posey A love so strong, that nothing could put it in chains. A love so big, that no universe could ever contain. A love so true, it seems like two doves. A love so good, it was blessed from Above. A love so right, it can never go wrong. A love so eternal, it will NEVER be too long. When our stars crossed paths, and I met you that fateful night, God smiled on earth and heaven, when I met my Sunshine. Got introduced me to an angel, and to him I am grateful. On that day He knew, A love so...PERFECT was born. - -------------------- Hey honey...i wrote this poem just for you...I hope you like it as much as i liked writing it...it made me remember the wonderful days when I'd write you poetry and long letters every day...I'll try to do the same these days...because I love you even MORE.... I love you forever and ever...we're a match made in heaven - ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- - -------------------------------------------- Ryan Christopher Posey "Have a nice day" - ME ------------------------------ Date: Tue, 12 Oct 1999 01:29:29 GMT From: "~* cymbaline *~" Subject: Re: ET: see Steve, If you kill yourself, you will take away any opportunity you will ever have in your life. 26, you're still so young! Look at me, I'm 19. I decided when i was 17 I'm not going to waste my life dwelling on the things I can not change. It's all a part of life. Sure, I get depressed. Sure, I want to commit suicide at times. YES, I cut myself sometimes! But I continue to live, because I know that I can't be depressed forever. God gave me many second chances at life. Think about it. If I kill myself tonight, I will never have the opportunity to have a longlasting, loving relationship. A relationship I've always dreamed about having. I will never experience the joy of bringing a new life into this world. Don't dwell on how your life is going now. Look to the future. Try to see the light. Things get better, IF you let them. There must be some things you want out of life! Life's great! Life only sucks if you let it suck! Please don't kill yourself. Its a stupid, stupid thing to do. I wasted alot of my life trying to taste death. Peace, Love and happiness, Kelly ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 11 Oct 1999 21:45:37 -0400 From: "Robert A. Peate" Subject: ET: beautiful tara i look at a picture of that magnificent red-head i knew, and i think, "how sad, but how sweet she is." she really is a beautiful creature, with sloping arms and a gazelle-like gait; i can hardly wait to see her become herself. - --robert a. peate ***** i believe the written word has always been my true voice. ~tara stevens ***** let the fate-sisters spin away; it is only one of the stories they weave that i am living out now. ~tara stevens i love you, tara. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 11 Oct 1999 21:29:36 CDT From: "Brian H" Subject: ET: i had the wierdest night last night Ok, now. I have a lot to say. =) Last night I tried a new style of writting poetry. You just think of something, and you let your mind take it somewhere. I kind of think of it as a way to communicate with your soul. It's kinda a wierd concept. But I got mine, and what I wrote was very disturbing. Not really, it was just kind of dark and mysterious, and that scared me. So then I kept doing it, and kept doing it. And then finally I wrote the word "help" on a piece of paper. That scared me. And so I just turned off the lights and laid in bed. So then I just was singing to myself, not out loud, angel standing by. So that kind of calmed me down. Then my mind went through, Amen. And when I got to, eyes stare up but somethings in the way. I stopped the song completley. I honestly did feel something above me. Not physical, but like... you know. So by now I'm just scared half to death because it's late at night, and I emptied myself out onto those pages into poetry. And I laid there for a long long time, until I fell asleep. Isn't that creepy. It was one of those nights when my mind got mushy. :) I also wrote a lot of new poems latley that I want to post with you guys!! [c: ߮I@N "The Jelly Doughnut of an Angel" halaasb@hotmail.com ICQ: 40694569 AIM: brianh5036 Yahoo: jellydoughnut6 Please visit my site: http://come.to/lifeuncommon ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com ------------------------------ End of eda-thoughts-digest V2 #291 **********************************