From: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org (eda-thoughts-digest) To: eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Subject: eda-thoughts-digest V2 #48 Reply-To: eda-thoughts@smoe.org Sender: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Errors-To: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Precedence: bulk eda-thoughts-digest Monday, February 22 1999 Volume 02 : Number 048 * If you ever wish to unsubscribe, send an email to * eda-thoughts-digest-request@smoe.org with ONLY * the word unsubscribe in the body of the email * . * PLEASE :) when you reply to this digest to send a post TO the list, * change the subject to reflect what your post is about. A subject * of Re: eda-thoughts-digest V2 #xxx or the like gives readers no clue * as to what your message is about. Today's Subjects: ----------------- ET: hola [moonsong@ix.netcom.com (Charlie, Andalite, & The Goddess)] ET: a couple of ramblings [winters ] ET: some stuff [zerocool@sunlink.net (Niki)] ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 20 Feb 1999 21:54:09 -0800 From: moonsong@ix.netcom.com (Charlie, Andalite, & The Goddess) Subject: ET: hola Hi you guys, Well I sorta wrote something-ish, I haven't written in awhile so here's what I got. How's everyone? No one's posting much lately. What happened to Kat's genius, Jon's insight, Jamie's humor, Doc's applaudings, Lara's wanderings...? - - - - - - - There was a time when we said, he loves me - -strawberries, sunscreen... the strings played a perfect harmony & the notes sang themselves. Now we sift around, as if in a daze, of angst, they say. Picking the strings, plucking the notes, with calloused fingers, a far off look, trying to use them to find some reason or meaning in the eery jumbled beat, holding the green berry vine as it wilts... and then, we say... he loves me not... we pick the white flowers & they fall & echo, not... but not without, because energy pulses stronger than ever here. we move to the wave lengths & sway when the note hits right, & kiss...with the limelight. II & every now & then the red light flashes on pale fingers in an empty air above compacted rhythm, & we see the petals falling, onto our upturned palms... & maybe again we say, he loves me... even in our angst that we project as we squint, illuminated, still dancing on the strings to find notes to put the strawberries... - -to our lips, & pluck the confusion apart from relief 2/20/99 love, Sam the ? angel "I can't speak a whisper to this ignorant pen, that wanders off pages talking of sunshine and men. These fingers that embroidered towels & silence kill the paper in madness of guilt & defiance." moonsong@ix.netcom.com ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 20 Feb 1999 14:56:01 -0800 From: winters Subject: ET: a couple of ramblings BEAUTY i tried to forget about him. it's not like he ever did anything good to my life. but little things trigger the memory, of how it once was. he rapes my mind at night and enter into my dreams. it's not like i want to think about him. i would prefer to focouse on someone, anyone else. but i can't get out of my mind, how he would call me beautiful, and how i would stutter because i wasnt expecting him to say kind words to me. even if the kind words were filled with alternative movites, at least he said them, and at least i believed for a split second, that yes i was beautiful. picking up the pieces of life can be hard. someone comes in and shakes everything about. it's hard not to remember the first place we kissed or how we met. it's hard to forget how he just stopped calling and how his kisses changed from being soft to hard. its difficult to forgive because the memory still lingers on of long nights that were blinded by his lies. and i wonder where he is right now. and i wonder what he is doing right now. because i am here thinking of him and he is there telling another young girl, that yes she is beautiful. I AM TOLD.... i made a mistake today. i looked in the mirror and didnt see myself. i saw the reflection of someone lost. i saw the past and all of my regrets. i saw how it was all my fault that things turned out this way. i didn't see my short blond hair, but my long brown ratty hair. i didn't see the large hazel eyes with mascrea to lengthen the lashes, but i saw the big glasses and confusion. i saw small breasts and pale lips. i didn't see the girl that i have become over the years of adolcences. so i ask....how can i become an adult if i can't handle being a teenager? i can go into the army and buy a lottery ticket. my life is changing fast, "your no longer a little girl" they all say. i have become what i waited to become: an adult. yet i can't stand tall without worrying that my breasts are sticking out. and i can't look at a man without feeling i am asking for something else. i am still a little child, yet i am told to grow up. i am told that i am not little anymore. i am told that i have to look for more in life. i am told money matters. i am told to let go of my ideals. i am told to become a cynic and bitter bitch. but i was brought up to believe my pigtails were me. i was brought up to believe that everything will be fine. if we all just let go of the walls around us. i am a little girl growing up in a world that expects me to forget about my childhood. COFFEE we sit and drink coffee. speak of nothing at all. just watch the rain hit the windows and complain randomly about life. i like my coffee with 2 creams and 3 sugars. you laugh and say that is no longer coffee. sometimes you read to me and other times i eat your food. we do this weekly, just you, me and the coffee. we both are in love with someone far away. so we talk about the pain. you will move in with him in may, i will meet up with him again in dublin around september. and we will part. no more coffee talks. we will be sipping lattes with our men. we will finaly be in the comforting arms of The One. yet somehow we got an understanding together. somehow we decided to like this smalltown. we have found the beauty in slushies and putting ashes in lukewarm coffee. somehow we changed this place into a home. here i am. sitting with the coffee. waiting for you to show up from work. this has become a ritual. and i know your not him, you don't posses what he does. but you are everything that i need right now, a friend who understands small pointless coffee talk. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 21 Feb 1999 20:33:44 -0500 From: zerocool@sunlink.net (Niki) Subject: ET: some stuff So low Very far below everything, everyone Removed countless times Slightly traveled Reverse Forward Side Other Side A dance of want and need Jealousy and anger Past memories stolen Grieved for Hold onto thoughts Dreams, Don't tell anyone- shhhhhh Hold silent until The rest fall from the grasp of the demon Then tell your tales And dreams and poems To ears that have been forever Decieved and Deprived of the music Of free thought I saw you today...with her...I wanted to tell her off...call her a bitch and a slut...but I don't really think that-she's been through more then most I know...but I still want what she has...YOU in other words. So anyway-I said hi to her first...I was alright...then I said hi to you and I thought that the blood was going to ruin my new shoes...it did of course in my mind...but I don't think she saw it...and I don't think you saw it...but trust me it was there...contrary to our past... And I'm telling you this by the way because I've always wanted to...always wanted you to know how much pain I've been through...granted not as much as HER....but still-I think it should count for something...and I think I WOULD go through everything...just for you...but you don't need me...anymore then you did when I was just an immature child and you...well you were you and I guess you still are...but hell I wouldn't know now would I? I mean we don't even talk anymore... it hurts me too much... Even saying a simple 'hi' A HI THAT'S IT!! Well it just ripped my heart and soul out...and it fell right on the floor-the DIRTY FLOOR might I add-right in front of the three of us...but YOU don't care....did you ever fucking care? What I'd give to have you REALLY see this...but no...no no no....screw that...i don't think you care....i love you-for whatever that's worth to ya. ------------------------------ End of eda-thoughts-digest V2 #48 *********************************