From: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org (eda-thoughts-digest) To: eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Subject: eda-thoughts-digest V1 #293 Reply-To: eda-thoughts@smoe.org Sender: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Errors-To: owner-eda-thoughts-digest@smoe.org Precedence: bulk eda-thoughts-digest Sunday, November 22 1998 Volume 01 : Number 293 * If you ever wish to unsubscribe, send an email to * eda-thoughts-digest-request@smoe.org with ONLY * the word unsubscribe in the body of the email * . * PLEASE :) when you reply to this digest to send a post TO the list, * change the subject to reflect what your post is about. A subject * of Re: eda-thoughts-digest V1 #xxx or the like gives readers no clue * as to what your message is about. Today's Subjects: ----------------- Re: ET: Re: Help Angels [Uneaq1@webtv.net (Maggie)] ET: poems [winters ] ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 21 Nov 1998 01:47:58 -0800 (PST) From: Uneaq1@webtv.net (Maggie) Subject: Re: ET: Re: Help Angels I saw one of those spare-change thingys for the homeless by the register at the mini mart yesterday, and I said to myself "If only I had some money..." And I have made a decision that I will put all my spare change there, and even skip my slushee every once and awhile. The pennies add up. It's a small contribution, but it migt just make the difference. There's probably something like that where you live, so look around. When we moved, we reduced a houseful of stuff down to a mere vanful. And we threw away SO much. Right now, I feel so incredibly guilty... Make the difference! Maggie ICQ: uneaq1 ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 21 Nov 1998 14:06:30 -0800 From: winters Subject: ET: poems hey angels! i just found all of these , i wrote some of these a year ago and others about 6 months back. thought i'd share them with you, they aren't very good but they were all from a very confusing bit of my life. thank you for reading them if you do :) kat I DON'T KNOW YOU i don't know you your last name nor your # i have no idea who you are, why your haunting my mind all i know is i haven't been the same since i saw your hazel eyes and i want my arms to be oceans and hold tightly onto you i want my heart to rip out and enter into your bones. i have no idea if you ever plan on walking into my world and the more i think about it i'm just a little girl (in your eyes) but to me you are much, much more then a stranger who i adore just talk to me trouble me with your fears don't be afraid to say hello.... REGRETS i'm leiving a life full of regrets how i want to hold onto you longer without questioning my own selfish actions. i wish you would stay we could neck by the river some more and get to know the ground we walk on together. my hands are so dirty, love. yours feel like gold and i know you want so much more then me. WHEN I THINK OF THE CRAZY PAST when i think of you i would love to taste bitter hate and only think up of lies but the sweet taste of wine touches my lips and the fantasy of you and i replays in my mind- here we are 2 years later and still i can't say your now without a blush and you can't say mine without a pause. FADE AWAY iheard your voice calling out my name as my barefeet ran from this mess. under my breath i said it was all my fucking fault, my fucking fault. and i take the blame completely for staring at him too long at that hot summer day underneath the british skys. the letters we wrote now seem so damn pointless in the hindsight of time. they begin to fade away, fade away. the words and promises that latched chains to our feet are now being erased by time. i thought "somedau we will be together" was reality. but now i know, everything fades away. WHAT I DO IN THE MUNDANE TIMES WHEN I SHOULD BE THINKING OF YOU. i flipped through the magazine i spoke to the old lady sitting next to me i bought a coke and did a crossword puzzle but i swear i never thought of you when your name is mentioned in certain paths i am known to cross, i just shrug and say i have no idea if you are thinking about me if you are biting your nails like i am wishing your days away till the next talking to strangers, anyone so that thoughts of the past dont come back. but no--i never say that i miss you just that you are a part of my shadow hiding in the comfort of a memory. IT'S ONE OF THOSE THINGS I'LL NEVER TELL i went on the plane with false intentions saying that i missed the tea the smell the stores ANYTHING BUT YOU. we sat by one another i studied the ground you asked how the flight was and how i'm doing now that i'm back i said fine-instead of letting you know i hate that bitch holding onto your every word i hate the atlantic ocean i hate time and distance i hate growth and change i hate how i feel now that i can't speak to you anymore without answering with a polite lie. MISSING the emotion that i get when my heart wonders off and remembers your smile and how it left before i could tell you how it made me feel. DID YOU? did you cry when you heard my phoney words? after all those years, i laughed in your face; did you recognize the look in my eyes - ----the desperation to let go or did you only hear the tone of my voice? here i am love-2 years and some odd months later with short hair i haven't grown an inch not much has changed expect conversation talking to you about the weather the man in the corner the new store on Ripon Rd anything but why i left you at the airport a year ago why we have let time slip by without a call or letter why my words mean nothing to you now why we lie why we pretend why we avoid each other. EVERYTHING IS COMING DOWN here i am brittle and fragile with no emotion left in my after saying all of my fears over the table with my hot tea maybe it was his wisom- or the beer speaking but he said to live life today just forget about the future who needs worries that might never happen - ---everythings coming down--- the bitter taste of my pain my excuses my hot tea- spinning faster and faster the faces are blurred intogether - -----it's all coming down on me----- STUCK IN THE MIDDLE choices that i have to make descisions that i need to be finalized. dreams coming further from reality each wakening day dreams of honesty, him, foreign lands celtic music playing behind the punk his goals, his dreams colliding with mine me-a little girl sipping hot tea smelling of cigerette smoke and spilled beer him-older, alive drinking Harps while driving away with me wondering is this real? is this worth it? and "how are you's" mean nothing to him. i want to hear more then a "fine, and you?" did he waint in a long line today? did he meet an angel? or demon? him--starring at my every more god i giggled again blushing brightly i smile at him under the dim lights... waiting by the pohone for some sign of exsistence was this all some dream or sick joke? wanting to hear his voice on the other line not a bill collectors mother long lost friend but what if he called? after all this...out of the blue on a monday night would i say hi-ask how his life is and pray for more then just a "fine and you?" or would i pretend to be someone else. I LOOKED BACK.... i looked back because i heard a noise. i looked back because i was alone. i didn't look to see you. no i didn't look back to kiss those lips again. i looked back out of pure curiosity. not love or adoration. i had water in my eyes. not tears. allergies. i told myself to believe this when i realized that you aren't coming back. WAITING FOR HER.... it was raining. i've always liked the rain. i waited by the window. i waited on the doorstep. i waited baking a cake. i waited reading. i went back to the window and waited some more. i told them i just thought the rain was pretty. i told them i just wanted to cook. i thought you'd be early, so i didn't go out. thought you would show up on time, so i cooked you dinner. thought you would show up a little late, so i never went to sleep. you never came, even after the rain died down. but that's okay, i never thought you would do what you said. MY FAULT, MY MISTAKE, MY BLAME. your imperfection was in emotion and mine in reaction. we never seemed to fit, click, belong so we forced it. it's me fault, my fault, all my fault. i could have changed things. i could have loved you. here we are, still tasting each other's slimey, dirty, evil kisses. you say that you love me, a love that i shouldn't deny. too busy, too busy, too busy though to hold onto reality, relationships, love. and what is pulling us down? why can't we look beyond this and stick together? because your mind is still bitter, and so is mine to. you know it's all my fault. UNTITLED i'm waiting by the phone proving how pathetic one can get when their romeo is really some sick fantasy. when one places a crown on the wrong head and pronounce that he is a prince instead of the frog instead. i molded him in my mind into the most incredible man. without thinking of his intentions which all feel so wrong, so wrong here i am, 17 years of age and feeling my bones become weak from all of this inner abuse. i'm waiting while reading and occasionaly painting hoping he would simply say hi and if i'm lucky care how i'm doing. WATCHING A YOUNG MAN TURN INTO A STAR i was there when i saw this young man turn into a star. - --i swear to god i witnessed his eyes gleams like a childs and his body react to the love of music. he took me on a walk on one of those inbetween days and-me-so damn naive thinking this wasn't worth the pain and tears that i know he is leaving, so why bother? why bother? we sat down on a rock one that hits the river bank the sun was falling fast and all the differences between us died out but the moon managed to come up during one of those close your eyes and hold your breath kisses. UNTITLED after blank tears and tastless evenings out i see your face again. you look the same. (i'm not surprised) but with another woman on your arm (i'm really not surprised) she sneers and glares at me (i'm the young lolita bitch) while i try to understand how could you kiss my hand and promise me everything the moons, the star, the land and then hold onto her like i am nothing but a child ------------------------------ End of eda-thoughts-digest V1 #293 **********************************