From: owner-avalon-digest@smoe.org (avalon-digest) To: avalon-digest@smoe.org Subject: avalon-digest V3 #109 Reply-To: avalon@smoe.org Sender: owner-avalon-digest@smoe.org Errors-To: owner-avalon-digest@smoe.org Precedence: bulk avalon-digest Thursday, May 7 1998 Volume 03 : Number 109 Today's Subjects: ----------------- [AVALON] o.k. what happened to my seconed entry? [Heather Marie Propes <] [AVALON] Re: Conclusion - "Let the chips fall on the fat leprechaun's fuzzy fez" - part 1 [Heather Marie Propes ] Re: [AVALON] Contest #77/#78 BULLETIN [Dawndalian ] [AVALON] Bryan Ferry poster for sale [Svenska63 ] Re: [AVALON] Bryan Ferry poster for sale [Dawndalian ] Re: [AVALON] Bryan Ferry poster for sale [Bob Yoursis Subject: [AVALON] o.k. what happened to my seconed entry? I sent it yesterday. The file size was 10,000 whatevers and I haven't seen it! I'm so mad! I sent it to the right place! Where is my entry? If anyone knows why it may not have appeared yet, could you write me back? Is 10,000 too big a file? I could break it up into smaller bits. Well, hope to hear from y'all. Heather Marie Propes asbuch@midway.uchicago.edu http://student-www.uchicago.edu/users/asbuch/index.htm#hometop ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 6 May 1998 10:22:06 -0500 (CDT) From: Heather Marie Propes Subject: [AVALON] Re: Conclusion - "Let the chips fall on the fat leprechaun's fuzzy fez" - part 1 I'm going to break this up into part because I think that the whole message may be to big.... Heather Marie Propes asbuch@midway.uchicago.edu > [Yesterday, dear reader, you may recall that the tension was rising > in Bryan Ferry's swank and funky palace as plans were made to swindle, > sabotage, and do Sheba Baby proud. Even the Royal Copenhagen was squirming > as "high tea" became just another word for "prescription aphrodiasiac > orgy." And now, welcome to the second episode....] > > "First, another cup of tea....." > ------------------------------ > > [Bryan pulls on a long satin rope and a few specks of dusk glimmer > in the sunlight. Soon a woman in a French maid costume enters, pulling > a teapot and cucumber sandwiches along on a dim sum cart]. "Nice dim > sum cart. Where did you get it?" > > "Oh, its just one of those little treasures I brought home from voyage > abroad to Westminister, California. I picked it up in that big mall on > Beach Blvd., you know the one with the big green Buddha out front? > [Ferry's impish expression tells me 'we both know what's in the tea, so > don't ask']" > > "Oh yeah. I like to buy those Chinese house slippers there. You know the > little rubber ones with the pictures of kittens and the pink bumps on > the soles?"[I return Bryan's expression with a look that says, 'yeah > this is better than that Ginseng love gum you buy in the 7-11]. > > [everything goes quiet and both of us get serious. We know it is time to > discuss "the deal" but that it is not going to be easy. Japanese > businessmen in Guam are the most dangerous types. Lawless, immoral, > unpredictable, willing to do anything, even put a paper ribbon with > Japanese characters down the side of a Roxy Music album and market it > in the States for $30 as a "Japanese import."]"Now then, I'm really > anxious to know your plan." > *end of part one* ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 6 May 1998 10:23:05 -0500 (CDT) From: Heather Marie Propes Subject: [AVALON] Re: Conclusion - "Let the chips fall on the fat leprechaun's fuzzy fez" (fwd) Here's part two.... > [now I'm going to play it cool. I've got something that he desperately > needs, the one thing that could help him regain his image as a suave > Europop singer] "Yes I do, and if I tell you what it is, you're gonna > be a whole lot richer. But I'm not just going to give my ideas away. > You've got to do something for me" > > [looks up with a distrustful scowl] "Yeah, what?" > > "I want the whole world to know that it was me who relaunched you into > stardom. But most importantly, I want to share in the *aura* of the > New Roxy Music! I want to be the new Roxy Music cover girl! I want to > have my body painted blue and lounge around on the coast of Wales with > little wings attached to my ankles! I want to be photographed in vinyl by > Guy Boudin while reining in a wild orangutan on a diamond studded leash > against a cardboard backdrop of Disneyland! I want to sing like Shirley > Bassey! I want the world!" > > "Hold up there. We'll see what we can do, but don't get too out of > hand [assumes an air of British superiority]. You are, after all, just > American woman. And you are just competing in a contest for your Roxy > Music Internet mailing list, a contest that was the brainchild of the > notorious syphilitic scandal-monger, Jimmy Vapor!" [suddenly a man > who resembles Riff-Raff from the Rocky Horror Picture Show takes our > dishes. I am taken aback for a moment when I think it is Brian Eno, then I > remember the sex change]. > > "You know him??!!! Please don't ever force me to meet him"!! > > "Yes, I know him, and I won't if you promise not to dominate my future > record covers. You can be on one cover, but you'll be dressed in a 1910's > bathing suit and carrying a parasol because the new image of Roxy Music > will be E.L. Doctrow. And we're playing ragtime from now on!" > > [weird, I think. And I wanted this guy? Well, yeah] "I'll tell > you what you've got to do if you're ever going to get your career off > the ground again. There's a new casino opening in Guam, owned by the same > people who own the MGM Grand hotel in Vegas. Only it's going to be called > the MGM Guam and it's going to have an aquarium in addition to the > gambling machines. The people that own it are really stupid. > You can tell because they've decorated the inside lobby > with little green leprechauns that pop up from the slot machines when > someone wins. The MGM Guam is going to relaunch your career and make you a > lot of money! And you're not even going to have to go to Guam or sing." *end of part two* ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 6 May 1998 10:24:36 -0500 (CDT) From: Heather Marie Propes Subject: [AVALON] Re: Conclusion - "Let the chips fall on the fat leprechaun's fuzzy fez" part 3 Here's part 3 (god, I need a secretary!) > "Wow! What?" [Ferry now has his mind on one thing only, as he nervously > eyes little Otis's tuition bill and the $40,000 Jeff Koons photograph > above the fireplace, Jeff and Ciccolina after too much Viagra]. > > "You're going to have to sleep with both the casino owners and the > Japanese guys, well metaphorically speaking. Remember that report that the > Japanese wrote for Guamese government about how they promised attendance > by their entire company, what was it called... oh yeah, the National > Japanese Company of Oil?" > > "Yes, the report that projected total profits of $5,000,000 for Guam > if everyone attends the concert?" > > "Disco. Get that report. Do you have a photocopier, some white out, and a > fax machine?" > > "Of course, every rock star does, even Englebert Humperdink."[Bryan > produces the report and lights a cigarette] > > [Cough cough! I spend a few minutes doctoring up the report with some > white out and a typewriter. Bryan grabs it out of my hand] "What the hell > are you doing with my report?" > > "I changed it so that it says "The National Japanese Country of All," > instead of "The National Japanese Company of Oil." Now it looks like the > entire country of Japan wants to see your concert. I also changed the > dollar amount from $5,000,000 to $5,000,000,000. Now we're going to fax > this little treasure over to the MGM Guam and tell them that the Hard > Rock's gonna get this contract unless the MGM would care to make a counter > bid. But if they make a counter bid they're going to have to pay you 5% of > the profits right now, over wire, and send you another contract on their > letterhead stating the new terms, including your 5%." > > "5% of $5,000,000,000! That's $2,500,000.00! But do you think they'll do > all this after seeing a messy fax?" *end of part three*> > > > ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 6 May 1998 10:31:49 -0500 (CDT) From: Heather Marie Propes Subject: [AVALON] Re: Conclusion - "Let the chips fall on the fat leprechaun's fuzzy fez" part 2 I forgot to put "part 2" in the heading of the other part two. This wouldn't be considered spamming, would it? > Here's part two.... > > > [now I'm going to play it cool. I've got something that he desperately > > needs, the one thing that could help him regain his image as a suave > > Europop singer] "Yes I do, and if I tell you what it is, you're gonna > > be a whole lot richer. But I'm not just going to give my ideas away. > > You've got to do something for me" > > > > [looks up with a distrustful scowl] "Yeah, what?" > > > > "I want the whole world to know that it was me who relaunched you into > > stardom. But most importantly, I want to share in the *aura* of the > > New Roxy Music! I want to be the new Roxy Music cover girl! I want to > > have my body painted blue and lounge around on the coast of Wales with > > little wings attached to my ankles! I want to be photographed in vinyl by > > Guy Boudin while reining in a wild orangutan on a diamond studded leash > > against a cardboard backdrop of Disneyland! I want to sing like Shirley > > Bassey! I want the world!" > > > > "Hold up there. We'll see what we can do, but don't get too out of > > hand [assumes an air of British superiority]. You are, after all, just > > American woman. And you are just competing in a contest for your Roxy > > Music Internet mailing list, a contest that was the brainchild of the > > notorious syphilitic scandal-monger, Jimmy Vapor!" [suddenly a man > > who resembles Riff-Raff from the Rocky Horror Picture Show takes our > > dishes. I am taken aback for a moment when I think it is Brian Eno, then I > > remember the sex change]. > > > > "You know him??!!! Please don't ever force me to meet him"!! > > > > "Yes, I know him, and I won't if you promise not to dominate my future > > record covers. You can be on one cover, but you'll be dressed in a 1910's > > bathing suit and carrying a parasol because the new image of Roxy Music > > will be E.L. Doctrow. And we're playing ragtime from now on!" > > > > [weird, I think. And I wanted this guy? Well, yeah] "I'll tell > > you what you've got to do if you're ever going to get your career off > > the ground again. There's a new casino opening in Guam, owned by the same > > people who own the MGM Grand hotel in Vegas. Only it's going to be called > > the MGM Guam and it's going to have an aquarium in addition to the > > gambling machines. The people that own it are really stupid. > > You can tell because they've decorated the inside lobby > > with little green leprechauns that pop up from the slot machines when > > someone wins. The MGM Guam is going to relaunch your career and make you a > > lot of money! And you're not even going to have to go to Guam or sing." > > *end of part two* > > > ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 6 May 1998 10:30:33 -0500 (CDT) From: Heather Marie Propes Subject: [AVALON] Re: Conclusion - "Let the chips fall on the fat leprechaun's fuzzy fez" part 4 And now, the exciting conclusion.....(part 4, ye scallywags!) > "That's the great thing about faxes. We can change whatever we want and no > one will suspect anything because faxes are supposed to be messy. Besides > if you send a fax people think you are more important. Especially if it > comes from your home." > > [We send the fax through. Within minutes after confirmation a new contract > is sent to us. It displays the logo of the MGM Guam hotel - a porpoise > with chips coming out of it's spout. Then the doorbell rings. It is a > Fedex man with a small envelope containing a check for $2,500,000.]. > > "Good start. Now we'll have to fax the Hard Rock Cafe with this counter > offer, demanding 10% of the $5,000,000,000 for the appearance. Oh, just for > assurance, let's photocopy this check and fax it to them too." [so we make > the $2,500,000 check into a cover letter. Only we white out parts and replace "Bryan > Ferry" in the with "Hard Rock Cafe Owner - Guam" and we replace "pay to > the order of" with "fax to" and start the fax. Soon a new contract comes > through and another Fedex is delivered]. > > "This is great. But now I have $7,500,000. This is all I really need. I > don't want to be greedy. It's really not right." > > [the Viagra starts affecting me in strange ways] "Yes, but I DO! Let's > keep making money off these mafiosi until you're a billionaire > again.[I hastily start whiting out and faxing. I've never seen this much > money!] > > [A few more checks and faxes later and I realize I've suddenly committed a > grave error. I sent an MGM Guam fax promising us 40% profit back to the > MGM Guam, with a cover letter addressed to the Hard Rock Cafe! Oh God! Bryan flies into a > panic. There is only one thing left to do - Blame it on Jimmy Vapor - > international conspirator, internet terrorist, vending machine hijacker. > > I quickly rip the fax out of the machine, getting toner all over my > fingers and call the MGM Guam to explain that the last fax was the work of > Jimmy Vapor. He must have hacked his way into our fax > machine, stolen the contract and cover letter data file, and sent it > out from his own. I desperately explain this to the MGM Guam. Meanwhile Bryan runs around > is running around the room gathering the checks and his clothing. He is > going to try to make it to the bank before they are stopped. He is wearing > sneakers. > > I'm talking to the receptionist at the front desk of the MGM Guam, and it > is obvious that she doesn't give a $*%&#(*$&)#(! what I am talking about, > but just doesn't want to take a long message for her boss. She promises me > that she'll intercept our fax and keep it from her boss, IF we'll just > get lost. I promise her this and ask her for her home address. I'm going > to send her a couple of million dollars because I used to be a receptionist > myself. > > The tension is thick. We solved the problem with the hotels, but will > their checks be worth anything? Suddenly Bryan is back from the bank. He > has just started a couple of Swiss bank accounts - initial deposit of > $5,000,000,000,000,000,000,000]. > > "My hero. But where will we go now? The entire governments of Japan and > Guam will be looking for us." > > "Ah, that's simple, darling [suddenly Bryan's confidence is back], when > you have enough money, like us! We will get plastic surgery. You will > change yourself into Jeri Hall and I will change myself into Brian Eno. Nobody will > suspect since Eno already changed himself Bette Davis, and Jeri Hall is > now so fat that people mistake her for Bette Midler." Then we will move > to Bel Air and attend Oscar parties with Clint Eastwood and Leonardo > DiCapprio." > > "Oh, it's so wonderful" > > [we kiss and James Bond music starts playing in the background]. > > > Heather Marie Propes asbuch@midway.uchicago.edu > > http://student-www.uchicago.edu/users/asbuch/index.htm#hometop > > > > ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 6 May 1998 12:32:06 EDT From: Dawndalian Subject: Re: [AVALON] Re: Conclusion - "Let the chips fall on the fat leprechaun's fuz... Oh Heather, You are sooo creative, where DO you find the time and the imagination? My imagination has stagnated a bit, but my sexual fantasies of Mr. Ferry have managed to thrive in this housewife's heart.....I still say we go find the Man in concert, somewhere (even in Guam....ugh...) and give him some Room Service he'll never forget....We two (and Middy) could eat him Alive.... Keep up the good work, babe, See you in San Francisco.... Dawne ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 6 May 1998 14:24:19 EDT From: JVapor7 Subject: [AVALON] Contest #77/#78 BULLETIN My Fellow Avalonians, Please be advised that James 'Jimmy' Vapor has been hospitalized after experiencing a massive seizure while reading Heather Marie Propes' entry. The prognosis does not look good, although while still conscious his last request was that Dawndalian elaborate further in regards to her Exact Intentions regarding Mr. Ferry, ie, please concoct the Ferry Fantasy Scenario Of Her Dreams (and please feel free to include any other Avalonians in this fantasy--except Arnie, of course). This will be judged as a contest entry, even upon the event of his death, at which point Rexy22 will take over deliberations-- provided he can keep the "Proops" references to a minimum, as this is considered a not-very-classy display of Avalon language per Hillman regulations. Thank you for your co-operation in this matter. Cards and letters of condolence may be sent to RODEISLRED@aol.com. PAPTI, INC. ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 6 May 1998 17:06:33 EDT From: Dawndalian Subject: Re: [AVALON] Contest #77/#78 BULLETIN Jimmy Vapor, Give me some time to (de)compose a Fantasy Scenario... you all are such hard acts to follow.... And Can I just say that I am SOOOO happy that this list is finally OFF that Dusty Slim slime.....whatever crap!! More later, Dawne ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 6 May 1998 22:51:27 EDT From: Svenska63 Subject: [AVALON] Bryan Ferry poster for sale Hi: I still have a few of these posters left: Bryan Ferry Poster - B & W photo of Brian with a cigarette in his hand. It is the photo from the back cover of "Boys and Girls." It measures 28" x 19" (71x50cm). The posters are in excellent condition. They have never been used, folded or put on a wall. They have been kept rolled up in excellent condition. I will sell to the first people who respond. $10.00 + shipping. Please email me for further details. Please put "Style Council posters" in your email subject so I don't think it's junk email and accidently delete it. Indicate your location, especially if outside the USA, for shipping estimate. References are available. Thanks, Mary Svenska63@aol.com ------------------------------ Date: Thu, 7 May 1998 00:06:06 EDT From: Dawndalian Subject: Re: [AVALON] Bryan Ferry poster for sale ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 06 May 1998 22:47:50 -0700 From: Bob Yoursis Subject: Re: [AVALON] Bryan Ferry poster for sale Mary, I'm definitely interested in one. I just joined the list today, and you don't want to destroy my confidence, do you? Thanks, Bob Svenska63 wrote: > > Hi: > I still have a few of these posters left: > > Bryan Ferry Poster - B & W photo of Brian with a cigarette in his hand. It is > the photo from the back cover of "Boys and Girls." It measures 28" x 19" > (71x50cm). ------------------------------ End of avalon-digest V3 #109 **************************** ======================================================================== Please send any questions or comments about the list to avalon-digest-owner@smoe.org